Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 11

'The office workers' - Common App EC essay about debate


desm2012 6 / 36  
Dec 25, 2011   #1
It is 1076 characters with spaces, so I think I need to cut it down. So please let me know what is superfluous, any grammatical mistakes (I'm not sure if it should be I or me in "and of her mother knowing it was I on the phone..."), and I guess how the essay makes you feel. Do you think it's right for the topic?

--

The office workers stare at my debate partner and I as we try our best to be quiet while carrying 20 pounds of paper and an intimidating collection of pens down a flight of stairs. It's not easy, but we make it to the street with only a few minor disasters. Then, we scream.

A few years ago, I wouldn't have shouted in celebration in the middle of a crowded Manhattan sidewalk. I would have grinned, certainly. But making noise, even raising my voice above a whisper, would have been out of the question. In fact, until joining debate in 9th grade, I barely spoke at all. My childhood was filled with my best friend coaxing me to sing, and of her mother knowing it was I on the phone if she couldn't hear "hello."

But when a friend convinced me to join debate, all of that changed. I found a place where it was encouraged to say all the things I thought, where even the most esoteric ideas were lent an ear. I loved it, and my voice grew louder and louder, culminating in the jubilant scream I had held in since the judges made a "3-0 decision for the affirmative." I am heard.

flutenerd 7 / 19  
Dec 25, 2011   #2
This is really good!
I think it should be "knowing it was me"
You could probably take out this sentence, or at least part of it, because you make it clear in the previous sentence that it isn't easy: "It's not easy, but we make it to the street with only a few minor disasters." Maybe something like "The office workers stare at my debate partner and I as we try our best to be quiet while carrying 20 pounds of paper and an intimidating collection of pens down a flight of stairs. When we finally make it to the street, we scream."

Is there a limit on how many characters or words?
lambo448 1 / 2  
Dec 25, 2011   #3
This is great! If you need to shorten it, try changing "pounds" to "lbs." as a start. Then if your really daring, I would suggest changing the sentence "I found a place where it was encouraged to say all the things i thought ," to "I found an environment in which i could speak my mind..."
OP desm2012 6 / 36  
Dec 25, 2011   #4
@flutenerd
I think it should be too, but my word changed it to "I" so I was like, maybe I should get a 2nd opinion on this...

That sounds good, thanks.

@lamb448
I'm trying to avoid abbreviations and stuff bc I don't think they look very pro.
Here's my essay again, now it's exactly 1000 characters w/ spaces lmao

I'm afraid it doesn't really flow. Do you guys think that's a problem?
flutenerd 7 / 19  
Dec 25, 2011   #5
I think it flows fine. If you're worried about that though, have someone you know read and review it for you.
OP desm2012 6 / 36  
Dec 25, 2011   #6
I think I'm going to ask my dad...He's very critical, so I'm sure he'll have some suggestions.
flutenerd 7 / 19  
Dec 25, 2011   #7
Good idea.
Would you mind also taking a look at my "MIT- Personality attribute question" one? Don't look at the original thing, go to the bottom.
zhouyihao 1 / 2  
Dec 26, 2011   #8
it is a great one as above!

i think "The office workers stare at my debate partner and I " should be changed into "The office workers stare at my debate partner and me "

and a question: frankly speaking, i don't quite understand the first para but i know you want to use a flashback to pose ur first encounter with debate and how it changed you. it's always a good idea to write about CHANGE!
kwikandrew 3 / 5  
Dec 26, 2011   #9
you can write really well! keep it up!
cherrybomb94 20 / 44  
Dec 26, 2011   #10
Thanks for editing my essay! Here are some things I noticed while readng yours:

But when a friend convinced me to join debate, all of that changed. I found a place where I was encouraged to say all the things I thought; where even the strangest ideas were lent an ear. I loved it, and my voice grew louder and louder, culminating in the jubilant scream I had held in since the judges made a "3-0 decision for the affirmative." I am heard.

...the last sentence of your essay does not flow well, and it seems rather abrupts; also, there is a change in tense from the second-to-last sentence to the last sentence (past tense to present) which adds to the awkwardness.

This sentence is also very gramatically "wierd", you should rewrite it: My childhood was filled with my best friend coaxing me to sing, and of her mother knowing it was I on the phone if she couldn't hear "hello."

Other than some grammar things like that, this essay seems pretty good. Hope I helped! :)
OP desm2012 6 / 36  
Dec 26, 2011   #11
Thank you very much guys!
@ zhaoyihao, thanks for pointing that out. It's fixed.
@kwikandrew, thank you :)
@cherrybomb94, ha funnily enough I actually have changed that 'my chilhood sentence' to "Many of my childhood memories consist of my best friend coaxing me to sing, and of her mother knowing it was me on the phone if she couldn't hear "hello." " because I agree, it did sound very strange.

I'm going to talk to my English teacher about the ending, because it's not where I want it to be. I'm glad you agree with me.


Home / Undergraduate / 'The office workers' - Common App EC essay about debate