I had only one dream : College admission

In my nineteen years of existence, I had only one dream. That dream was to pursue a career in the field of which my mother had always wanted to persist. My mother was a small town realtor who had a passion of becoming a pastry chef, but never had the chance to go after it. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in the year of 2007 and later took her own life in 2008. I was 14 years old, traumatized, lost in my own world because I have just lost my mother who was my best friend. The day of my mom's funeral I've made one promise to her and that was to be the pastry chef she has always wanted to be. After six years of preparing myself to become this amazing chef I planned to be, I came to a sudden realization that I've been chasing the wrong dream. For years I've worked like a robot, now I want to step out of the kitchen and do what makes me feel alive again.

I have always wanted to learn more about the fashion industry. I want to learn more about the fundamentals of consumer behavior and build my skills to create a marketing communication plan using advertisement. I've worked in a few retail stores in my high school and college years to learn more about the business. I also created a blog online about my opinions about fashion photographers and ad campaigns. As my blog became more and more attached to me, I've decided to travel to Europe to write about the trends that are becoming popular around the European country. It was the start of my soul searching journey. In the summer of 2013, I booked my first flight out of the US. I was afraid, but knew this would be the best spontaneous trip I have ever planned. When I arrived in Europe, I looked around and did not know where to start. I stayed in London for a week and then took a train to Paris. I felt my inspiration for fashion growing even larger than it ever was. After coming back home from my trip, it was like I grew an extra eye on my forehead that can see fashion in a whole different level. Bags, shoes, clothing, and accessories became hard to just take a glimpse of. I can't say that I have a terrible choice of clothing when it comes to dressing up. But I can say that I am not unique. I HAD the taste of a 29 year old woman who dressed casually for work. Now, with my third eye I see the colors, I see the designs, and I see designer clothing that is hard to detach myself away from. When I open my closet, the colors that used to overwhelm the lighting bringing dullness inside, has been rearranged by new excitement. As I open my new wardrobe, it is now what I call "alive".

I've always dreamed of going into fashion school, but never felt that I had what it takes. But now I know that if I'm passionate about something I'm going to go for it without turning back. This is what I have been missing out on in my life and would not want to lose any opportunity. I am still young with a lot of time on my hands that is too precious to waste. I will be a dedicated student who will give it my all until I reach a level of success. My goal is to know what I want to do in my life. It just took me quite a long time to give up everything I prepared myself for. My mother is someone that I love more than anyone in the world, but chasing after her dreams wasn't the answer for me. I'm finished with my mom's past and now I am moving on to my future.

Two of your sentences clash: "In my nineteen years of existence, I had only one dream." and "After six years of preparing myself to become this amazing chef I planned to be...". Also, it doesn't exactly sound like it was your dream, but rather something you felt you had to take on. I would start with a sentence like this: "For six years, I have been trying to live my mother's dream of becoming a pastry chef."

Your second and third paragraphs both start with "I've always..." This makes me feel as if I'm re-reading the same paragraph. I think you should change one of the two phrases to something else.

There are also some grammatical mistakes. Here are my corrections, although you may want to cross-check;
"...a career in the field of which my mother had always wanted to pursue ."
"...who had a dream of becoming a pastry chef"
"...because I had just lost someone who was both my mother and my best friend." (The writing in blue is just a suggestion.)

"As my blog became more and more important to me, I 've decided to travel to Europe to write about the trends that are becoming popular inthe European countries ."

"I felt my passion for fashion growing even larger than it ever was." I think an expression like 'bigger with each new piece of clothing I saw' or 'bigger with every step I took' would be better than 'even larger than it ever was'.

"...comes to dressing up, but I can..."
"When I open my closet, the colors that used to overwhelm the lighting bringing dullness inside, has been rearranged by new excitement. As I open my new wardrobe, it is now what I call "alive"." I'm not too sure what you're trying to say wit those sentences. If you're talking about a wardrobe change, you should make that more clear. If you're talking about a different feeling about your wardrobe, then the second sentence should be something like "Now, when I open my wardrobe, I feel alive."

"I've always dreamed of going to a fashion school"
"...and would not want to lose any opportunity." Again, not sure what you mean. Any opportunity to do what? Maybe you meant something like 'would not want to lose that for anything in the world?'

"until I achievethe level of success I aspire towards . Again, the blue text is just a suggestion.
"My goal is to know what I want to do in my life." It seems you've already found what you want to do in life, so maybe you should write something like this: "...success, now that I know what I want to do with my life."

Overall, I think the essay content is very good. It's personal, gives the college an insight into your life, and clearly shows your passion towards fashion.

Thank you so much for revising my essay!

It's good to include the prompt with your essay response so that others can understand what it expects. I guess this is a Personal Statement... is it?


She was diagnosed with breast cancer in the year of 2007 which took her life an year late.


... Well... I see you've got a point here, but you are going to pursue a career which was someone else's passion. Just because you love somebody, should you pursue her career passion? I think you too need some liking towards it. So, include something to say that you and she shared this same interest. Otherwise, you would not be able to convince the admission panel that you are a right candidate.