Please revise my essay and make comments ~
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"There is one who leads and there is one who follows." This sentence is my father's favorite motto. My father is an entrepreneur who started a company that produces brassieres according to orders from name brand companies and enjoys his business connection's confidence and trust. Also, as a pioneer, my father tried to create better designs to give customers 'more comfortable' and 'newer'. In consequent, he obtained several patents on his invention of advanced technique in producing brassieres after he overcame hundreds times of failure and his disadvantage from his sex. Furthermore, my father is never content with his successes and never stops to take risks to achieve more in order to be a respectable leader. I knew my father as a hardworking and successful entrepreneur. After I decided to major in Business Administration, my father started telling me a lot of experiences he has ever had during his career. The more I heard about the business world from my father, the more I wondered about the real business world because my inexperienced ego to be an entrepreneur was vague.
One day, while my curiosity about the real business world was increasing, I was offered by my father to work in his company on the weekends and I took the opportunity without hesitating to get rid of my curiosity about the real business world. For the first few weeks, I had watched and learned what and how the company produces. I did not spend time in the company with my father rather with other employees. The more I worked in the company, the more I saw my father as the president of the company. My father was not a just hardworking entrepreneur but he was a truly devotional leader. In Korea, almost all manufacturing companies hire many immigrant employees from Southeast Asia because they work at low. Like other companies, more than half of all employees who work for my father's company are immigrants. It is not unusual that immigrant employees suffer certain degrees of discrimination in Korean working conditions.
In face of the problem that Korean working circumstances have, my father sincerely took care of and tried to find his own ways to cope with immigrant employees. My father treated immigrant employees on the same footing with Korean employees and he encouraged all employees to work harmoniously. In order to do that, my father took the lead in getting along and spending times with immigrant employees. My father ate lunch or dinner with them at least once a day and made jokes to relieve their intense and anxiety. Occasionally, he talked privately to randomly chosen person to know what they thought about or how the company could improve their working conditions. Moreover, he even built a dormitory near the company for some employees who could not afford their house regardless of reasons or excuses. Based on my experience for one year in the company, I had witnessed that the company became internally stronger and more cooperative.
My father's company is not as big as 'Samsung' or 'LG'. Also, my father cannot be like Bill Gates or Warren Edward Buffett. However, I believe my father has opened his own path. And I count on the fact that passion, devotion and efforts that my father has put on his work make him a great entrepreneur and an excellent and respectable leader. As a witness to my father's career and devotion, there is no choice except that I admire my father. The opportunity to work in the company was my second turning point of my life to shape what kind of leader that I can be.
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with the university or their admissions procedures and requirements. Can you post the prompt here?
Regards,
Gloria
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