"one of these stars I saw that night" - Why Columbia?

Its okay if you hate it, just leave a comment pleaseeee.
I have to cut about 30 charachters.

The tiny dots in the dark sky that twinkle, and shine brightly - what are they? I look up to the stars and imagine myself reaching out and capturing one in my hands like a firefly. Each falling star is an opportunity to make a wish come true. So what if all the stars fell and landed on earth, how beautiful would the sight be. The night of Christmas Eve I sit in the car, a bridge away from New York City and I see it: stars on earth. The lights of the buildings glow and I see a city of opportunity to make dreams come true.

Columbia University is one of these stars I saw that night. I realized then, that I must reach for this star. Located in the heart of New York City, Columbia provides the perfect environment for a student to study architecture. I would be surrounded by architecture, which ranges from beautiful cathedrals and the historic Flatiron building, to the intriguing Guggenheim museum and our modern world wonder, the empire state building. Attending Columbia, instead of learning only from cold textbooks descriptions of buildings, I will be able to look at them with my own eyes, create my own descriptions, and fall in love with the buildings for what I saw and experienced rather than through someone else's words. But in return for providing a great environment, I will become a promising Columbia alumnus. Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground," but with Columbia University as my star, my ultimate goal of becoming an architect has become much more attainable.

I rushed this and I'm not sure how it is. Is the whole star thing to confusing or corny?
please leave a comment

Haha i love the star concept, its very cute. The beginning is very captivating. Though I think you put a bit too much description at the start about the stars.

However, though very fanciful and "fairy tale like", maybe talk about some specific college or program that is unique to columbia. I understand you like the environment of nyc, but nyu has the same environment right?

something to think about . great work !

look at mine if you get the chance?

thanks so much. I'll deffinately change that up

I also like the star concept a lot. I especially like the conclusion! But, I believe that you should say something more about what Columbia will provide through their academic courses or architectural classes. Can you look at my Yale or Common App essay, too?

I would be surrounded by architecture, which ranges from beautiful cathedrals and the historic Flatiron building, to the intriguing Guggenheim museum and our modern world wonder, the Empire State Building ( like the connection!)

Attending Columbia, instead of learning only from cold textbook descriptions of buildings , I will be able to look at buildings with my own eyes, create my own descriptions, and fall in love with the buildings instead of learning only from cold textbook descriptions of them . But in return for providing a great environment, I will become a promising Columbia alumnus (How?).

Good Luck

I love the concept but the sensory details about the star seem over the top. Instead of eliminating them i say engulf them in a narative and make them seem subtle but influencial. And make the whole introduction more natural to read. (btw please edit my yale engineering supplement)

The tiny dots in the dark sky that twinkle, and shine brightly - what are they? I look up to the stars and often imagine myself reaching out and capturingto capture one in my hands like a firefly. Each falling star is an opportunity to make a wish come true. So whatand if all the stars fell and landedto land on earth, how beautiful would the sight beit would be a beautiful sight . The night ofOne Christmas Eve I sit in the car, a bridge away from New York City and I see it, as I sat in the car overlooking New York City, I saw it : stars on earth. As I gazed upon the lights of the glowing buildings glow and I see, I saw a city of opportunity to makewhich could make my dreams come true.

I hope this helps- I tried to cut down on words - nice idea :)

im really curious to see how your final draft turns out, you're a great writer, please post it id like 2 look at it

the star concept was very nice.
do you mind post up your final draft?