Hey!
Its been a while since I've posted on forums so please bear with me =)
This is my draft for the Harvard/yale supplement and they don't require any specific topics.
The third row of my left pinky is bent about thirty degrees in towards my left ring finger. The motion ...
Intro: I really liked your introduction. I was actually looking at my finger while reading the first few sentences. :-) BUT, I thought "The motion of my left pinky is insufferably hindered by the presence of my left ring finger and vice versa. " was quite confusing. Also, Ironically, my right pinky is as straight as theirs - it's just my left one that's bent. How is that ironic? Perhaps use the word "however"?
1st paragraph: I really liked this sentence: Quite remarkable considering a bespectacled Asian boy who just got the school's ostentatious (and inconsequential) award for "highest academic achievement" was on stage not sporting a violin or seated by a piano but brandishing a guitar; an electric one at that too. But it can be re-worded because it's a run on that doesnt have a main subject since you start with quite.
2nd paragraph: Good old Pachalbel's canon :-) I poised my three functional fingers on the guitar strings moist of sweat . Moist of sweat should be placed directly after what it is describing - your fingers. Also you can remove "(drum-set manned by a friend)" . I really like this sentence "The speed of time is commensurate with one's heart rate and mine was racing."
3rd paragraph: I crunched through the verse with my special powerchords (traditional powerchords make use of the index, ring and pinky fingers; I use the index, middle and ring fingers), and as I started the entry notes of the chorus, my tummy (This word doesn't sound appropriate with the context surrounding it.) jumped, and an electrifying tinglingtingle? raced up and down my whole body. My three functional fingers danced up, down andremove and just make it an asyndeton across the fingerboard pressing, pulling, tapping andfollow last comment - this makes your actual action more visual bending Baroque melody spiced up with 21st century metal distortion. This was the musicTense change? that inspired me to play the guitar.
4th Paragraph: Maybe you can add what caused this deformity? This is the kind of music that still keeps me up late nights figuring out alternative fingerings to compositions - patching up the absence of the pinky. My bent pinky is my handicap, my stigma, my pride, and my source of inspiration. Take my middle finger from me and I will still figure out a way to play the guitar.Remove...it doesn't add on to how your pinky is your inspiration.
5th Paragraph: I think you need a stronger transition here. Also, the New Zealand twist is nice, but it doesn't add anything to your essay...it is sort of a distraction. Also, why is it a shame? It seems more as a spectacle that you can move your three fingers faster than their four.
Overall awesome essay. Hope this helps. Sorry, I like to scrutinize things :-|
thanks for the edits. really appreciate it =)
Perhaps i need to make it clearer that its the left pinky that is really important in guitar-playing.
ill come back with a revision =)
No problem. I would really appreciate it if you could read my 7 year Med. essay. Thank you!
analyzing is spelled as analysing, unless analysing is some word i dont know like the fifty other words i dont know in your essay
analysing is the british spelling =P
im an international hehe
but i will change all the words to their american counterparts =)
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I also wanted to tell you I love your first sentence! It is perhaps the most interesting first sentence I have seen today. I suggest giving some deep consideration to the purpose of this essay. You obviously write very well, so the thing to do now is use your powers optimally!
What is your intended major? What else do they know about you? How does an essay about guitar fit in with the other things they know about you?
I always advise people to try to present themselves as determined, resolute students who have clearly decided about many of the things they want to do in life -- and then showing how it is absolutely necessary for you to go to this school, with its specific resources, in order to achieve your goals. I think this gives you an advantage for being accepted.
So... take another look at this and say, "What effect am I trying to have on the reader with this essay?" by doing that, you may realize you want to change some things that do not forward your purpose.
its a good essay but its 2 long...shorten it a bit...n ad somethn to make it tand out cuz thats wht colleges want!!
Thanks for all the feedback!
I've revised the final two paragraphs and my conclusion is more explicit and it gives a clearer sense of purpose.
Thank you again =)