Opportunities, knowledge, diversity, symphonic band, tennis team - Why Stanford

I need to cut out 200 characters, thanks for your help!

Why is Stanford good for you?

Stanford, unparalleled in its opportunities for exploration, is the ideal school for me.

Before my living situation changed, each night I would knock on my mother's door, enter, and declare: "I have a question." She would put down her mystery novel and sigh, knowing this would take at least twenty minutes. I would then ask, for example: "Do religion and science both stem from an evolved need to understand one's surroundings?" bounce off theories, and proceed to a new question.

Here, I am satisfying my unquenchable thirst for knowledge with the metaphorical pineapple smoothie that represents exploring new ideas. At Stanford, this drink is served up daily by students who have in common a love of learning and preference for collaboration.

Diversity makes these ideas interesting. Stanford represents over 90 countries, 50 states, and thousands of points of view. This is a refreshing change from my high school, where almost everyone is a white Californian and "republican" is practically a swear word. There, I befriend international students such as Brian from Hong Kong or Francisco from Chile whenever possible.

In four years of Symphonic Band, I have played alto, tenor, and baritone saxophone, as well as bassoon. I need to try everything. Stanford promotes academic freedom, so I can delve into topics from Neuroscience to Nietzsche, and far beyond.

Also, I firmly believe that "When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make super-lemons" (Clone High). Watching Professor Shenoy speak about neural prosthetics, I could not stop smiling at the thought of partaking in similar endeavors, a commonplace practice at Stanford. I kept shaking my head in disbelief; but it's true: Stanford is real.

I will join a tennis team and a jazz ensemble or perhaps the legendary marching band. I will work and engage in public service; mentoring in an East Palo Alto school appeals to me. Yet I cannot list everything; Stanford is perfect for me because there are always new experiences to explore.

I think you have a good start to this prompt. However, I feel as if you are describing how you are good for Stanford, not how Stanford is good for you.

The second paragraph, where you introduce the anecdote about your mother, I find, is a sudden change from the first, and goes a little of topic.

Since you emphasize the fact that Stanford provides "academic freedom" and "exploration," so tell them how you would use that at your time at Stanford. What classes will you take to show your diversity?

Please takes my comments as friendly suggestions.

Hello,

I have graded this essay based on a matrix that we use at Essays Done. Your essay received a grade of 78/100. This is a good start. Although your essay only scored a 78/100 I am quite impressed. Of all the essays I have read on this website so far today, yours was the most spot on. I liked the fact that you mentioned a Professor at Stanford and a few of the classes that they offer. This shows that you have genuine interest, enough so that you have researched the school at a level deeper than just simply opening a brochure. Unfortunately, none of your arguments are solid. Why Stanford? There are many other schools where you will find international students, republicans and democrats, a local school district to teach in, outstanding professors and out of this world classes. To make this essay stronger you need to focus on a real tangible passion that you have and how that passion can be nurtured an guided at Stanford. We can help you do this.

thanks guys.

nice!

I think you can find a way to express these ideas that is more original, more clever:
...students who have in common a love of learning and preference for collaboration....(Lots of schools have students like this. You have to say something about a particular building or group or resource, etc. as Stanford.

Diversity makes these ideas interesting. Stanford represents over 90 countries, 50 states, and thousands of points of view. ----- getting a little brochure-ish, can you think of a brilliant and ticklingly unexpected way to express this idea?

:-) I like the feedback you give other people, Gnu, thanks for participating!

Oh, I have an idea... use this as a way to cut characters: Diversity makes these ideas interesting. Stanford represents over 90 countries, 50 states, and thousands of points of view----all the INFORMATIONAL stuff in an essay is the stuff that weighs it down. A strong essay is one that promotes one big idea and gives a lot of EXPERIENCE for the reader with action verbs and sensory words. :-)