Oscar Luis Puelles "My Journey started in Peru"

My life changed completely when I came to America to study. I was born in Peru, and although my life there was not easy, it was not as difficult as it became here/as in here. I came to study, with a student visa, the Associate degree program at Hesser College in Manchester, NH. It was harder for me than it was for the average student(I could understand this sentence that It was a harder problem for you than any other student???). Due to my legal foreign student status, I could not apply for any type of financial aid, scholarships, student loan or grants.

In order to obtain a student visa in Peru, I needed to prove to the American embassy that I had enough economic resources to pay at least half of the two-year program, which totaled US$18,000. To get that money, I had to work and save for 7 years. Saving US$18,000 in a third world country, like Peru was back then, would be like saving 3 times that amount in America just to go to college.

Although I faced (will 'had to face' be better?)many challenges when I arrived to America, I did not get discouraged. I remembered the previous difficulties I had already overcome. I remembered that after much struggle I found a job after High School, and I wanted to enjoy some of the money I earned, but I could not because I had to save that money to pay for college. I remembered when I was a teenager in Peru and studied English after high school every day in an institute 20 miles away from my home and how hard the commute was. I needed to do this, as Peruvian high schools did not have after-school programs like American ones do. I remembered when I was a kid child and I had to carry water in buckets from blocks away from my home because of water shortages in my town. I thought if I was were able to overcome all that, I would be able to accomplish/achieve my goals here.

The biggest challenge of studying in America was not the classes or subjects, but instead it was dealing with the pressure that my student visa could be revoked and that I could be deported if I could not save enough money to pay for my remaining tuition. That is why after having to get a job in the College cafeteria as cook, a more beneficial job for the hours and free meals than the math-tutor position I could have got, I also had to get a dishwasher job on weekends All the 'had to get' you used should be replaced by to have/get job/a job. I was a full-time student working fifty hours at per week, living on only $40 at per week and also paying rent, because I could not afford to live in the dormitories. At that point, that was the most difficult time of my life, but I am proud to say I succeeded, because I finished the Associate degree program debt free, on time and with 3.8 GPA.

I said that was the most difficult time of my life until that point, because after finishing my studies, I got married but unfortunately divorced soon after, it means thatmeaning that once again I had to face I again faced the problem of being deported. My marriage had made me a temporary alien resident, but since the marriage was over, the INS assumed I had no reason to continue living in America. After a long legal process, during which I had to pay almost $15,000, I finally became permanent resident. During that time, I worked 65 hours at... week on two jobs and lived on only $70 at week after expenses to save as much as possible to have money available in the event I got deported.

Because of the financial responsibilities I had after finishing my education, my marriage and the legal processes of paying lawyers and papers fees, I could not be too selective on the jobs I took. That is why after becoming a permanent resident I quit (tense) quitted my night-shift job and started working at Bank of America, which required a 67-mile round trip commute. It was a job I had to leave because soaring gas prices and the expense of maintaining my car gas price soaring/rising and car expensesno longer made the job financially possible. I could not move closer to work because I had to stay in New Hampshire, where I had started the legal process to become U.S. resident, and eventually U.S. citizen. Had I moved closer to work, it would have delayed my citizenship process.

Looking back at all the challenges I have faced, I can say I want to face even more It sounds so strange!. I like overcoming challenges that seem formidable. I will not say I succeed on all of them since I could not get a 4.0 GPA in College and could not make my marriage work. But I do my best, and my best has brought me here: becoming U.S citizen without having any family family relatives in America to rely on. I know I can succeed at in almost all the challenges I face )verb tense in this sentence) by working hard as I did during my studies study, and making intelligent decisions, much like I did while saving money and choosing jobs. Since my childhood days, from carrying water in buckets, to today, applying to one of the most prestigious Universities in the world, my journey, my American journey is not over. With new advantages and new challenges, it is just in another phase.

Good day Ly. Thank you so much for helping me with my essay. I have a doubt on changing "If I were able to overcome all that." I were means in the case, a hypothetical situation or a situation that hasn't ocurred yet, right? But those experiences already happened to me. It's not a supposition, but something that already happened, which is in the past. That's why I wrote "I was" instead of "I were."

Also, I wrote the sentence "It was harder for me than it was for the average student" because almost all my fellow students at that college were U.S. citizens and had some kind of financial aid. They didn't have the problem of being deported if they couldn't pay for their tuition, as I did. You think there's a better way to convey this idea?

In addition, when I wrote "I can say I want to face even more" I meant the challenges I faced didn't scare me or turned me down, but encouraged me to continue fighthing to get higher in life. The overcoming of those challenges proved me that I can overcome tough challenges.That's why I wrote next to that sentence that "I like overcoming challenges that seem formidable" Please, how do you think I can improve the phrase "I can say I want to face even more."

Finally, I did want to explained better on the the "I remember" chain paragraph how all those experiences influenced me, but my essay is already 880 words, a little over the recommended word limit for a college essay. If I explained to much about those experiences, my essay may be too long.

What I learned from those experiences is that when you don't come from a privileged background, life is a constant fight if you want to move forward and progress. You have to be willing and ready to make not just choices, but sacrificies, to give up something you may like to get something is more benefitial for you. The problems you face on certain moments of your life just prepare you for the next ones coming ahead. In my case the "little problems" I face of carrying water when I was a child and making hard commutes when I was a teenager made me strong and smart enough to face my bigger adult problems of deportation and economic pressures. You think I should include this on my essay, even though it would make it longer?

Once again, thank you so much for your guidance and patience with me. Good luck. Have a nice day.

:-). Uhm, I appreciate your effort and your drawing experience. Maybe what I want to say and share with you is the grammar and some sentence structures to make your essay better, you can only improve some sentence structures and grammar to a higher level, practice more with them because it will demonstrate more EXACTLY all your thought and emotion to be closer to the readers (I mean it make them interested in your essay), well, and using more another ways of expressing your idea with English can also make your English better. Anyway, nice to meet you with a nice day, today.

Great discussion here...
I have a suggestion about how you can clarify the main idea at the beginning of this essay. Make a short intro paragraph, like this:

My life changed completely when I came to America to study. I was born in Peru, and although my life there was not easy, it was not as difficult as it became here. (Add a thesis statement that expresses the important truth or theme that you want the reader to remember. This is the most important part of the essay; what idea will you plant in the reader's mind?)

[new paragraph]
I came to study, with a student visa, the Associate degree program at Hesser College in Manchester, NH. It was harder for me than it was for the average student. Due to my legal foreign student status, I could not apply for any type of financial aid, scholarships, student loan or grants. In order to obtain a student visa in Peru, I needed to prove to the American embassy that I had enough economic resources ...

See what I mean? Give a thesis statement and end the first paragraph. Then, start to tell the story in paragraph 2.

:-)

Good day Ly. Thank you a million times for your reply. I want to ask you if you think it would be a good idea to change the sentence "if I was/were able to overcome all that" to "if I could overcome all that"

Also, you said the sentence "Looking back at all the challenges I have faced, I can say I want to face even more" sounds strange. You think I could replace it with "Looking back at all the challenges I have faced, I feel capable and willing to tackle any other that may come ahead."

In addition, at the end of the 'remembered" paragraph I'm thinking to add "at a early age I learned that to move forward in life, a person must be willing and able to do sacrifices. To give up something one might like or enjoy to get instead something more benefitial." I think this summarizes what facing those challenges at that early age taught me. What do you think?

One more thing. You think on the sentence "without having any family in America to rely on" would be better if instead of "family" I write "relatives" or "family or relatives."

Please Ly, tell me what you think on this parts of my essay. I'd really appreciate it. Thank you, not a million, but a billion times for your guidance, patience and help. Have a nice day.

I did not see any indents for any new paragraphs, I think you should include those in for sure! It will help whoever is marking the essay.

Nah, not in this kind of forum, TJ. In emails and blogs, etc, we usually do a line break instead of indenting. But ordinarily, you would be rght! It's just that when they paste the essay into this forum is does not keep the indentations...

Hello EF_Kevin. Thank you for you advice. I inserted a thesis statement where you said I should. It is this: "my search for the American dream was to become harder than I thought, but regardless of that I continued."

Please tell me if this is OK or if it could be better. Thank you so much for your help and patience. Have a nice day.

Hello EF_Kevin. Thank you for you advice. I inserted a thesis statement where you said I should. It is this: "my search for the American dream was to become harder than I thought, but regardless of that I continued." Please tell me if this is OK or if it could be better.

Also, I need to ask you: on the 6th paragraph I mention that I got married and divorced soon after. The actual sentences are "after finishing my studies, I got married, but unfortunately divorced soon after." You think I should include only with a few words why I got divorce? You think I should include this sentence "...soon after due to my wife's adultery." You think that's too much unnecessary personal information? I'd like to include that part to show that I didn't get married just to get a green card, but that I got married because I was in love. Please tell me what you think.

One last thing. You think this essay could get me into a Ivy League?
I'm posting the whole essay with all the corrections and suggestions I got here so you or any other could give me more help with this.

Thank you so much for your help and patience. Have a nice day.

Oscar Luis Puelles "My Journey"

My life changed completely when I came to America to study. I was born in Peru, and although my life there was not easy, it was not as difficult as in here. My search for the American dream was to become harder than I thought, but regardless of that I continued.

I came to study, with a student visa, the Associate degree program at Hesser College in Manchester, NH. It was harder for me than it was for the average student. Due to my legal foreign student status, I could not apply for any type of financial aid, scholarship, student loan or grant.

In order to obtain a student visa in Peru, I needed to prove to the American embassy that I had enough economic resources to pay at least half of the two-year program, which totaled US$18,000. To get that money, I had to work and save for seven years. Saving US$18,000 in a third world country, like Peru was back then, would be like ...

SEE BELOW

Nope, I still think you need to add one more sentence to that paragraph. Give it 4 sentences in all. Add a 4th one after that sentence. That is not a memorable sentence, and it does not show your plan.

I want you to show your plan. I want you to give the reader a sentence that tells exactly what you want to do.

Example: I want to learn all I can about hypnosis, and then I want to learn everything I can about marketing. That way, I can market products that reach a lot of people and help them to "become the change they want to see in the world" (Ghandi).

Do you see what I mean? What is your creative plan for making a big splash in your field. If your plan is creative, it will make the reader want to empower you. (People are fickle; they like to be entertained with interesting things.)

Challenge for you:
Revise this to reduce the word count by at least 15%. Find creative ways to shorten sentences and omit unnecessary phrases.
Then, add some sentences to the beginning and end of some paragraphs -- sentences that show how the story is related to your CREATIVE ACTION PLAN. And of course, show how this school is part of your plan.

:-)

Nope. This is still too vague. It is like a slogan. The dream should be specific: I want to learn as much as possible about Internet marketing while I major in abnormal psychology, because my American dream is to cure everyone of their neurosis by using the far-reaching poser of the World Wide Web. ---Do you see what I mean? It is a specific plan.

If you want to leave a positive mark, you need to have a plan. In order to make a plan, you need to be inspired. What inspires you? What would you work very hard to achieve?

:-)


I'm sorry I missed this question last time. I want to use this opportunity to hit you with your Psychology of Writing enlightenment:
The divorce is not part of your purpose. The purpose of the essay is to hit the reader hard in the face with one idea, one big idea.

You have to hit the reader hard with a single concept that she will remember after reading. That is the THEME.

I don't know how to tell you whether this is good enough for an Ivy League School... No matter what school it is, the reader will be a human. Don't buy into the hype; humans are all primates, all similarly confused.

The story is about an experience that was probably profound for you, but the story is... lacking substance. I think you need to make that plan and focus on it. What are you going to do? Lots of people are from Peru, and lots of people carry water, but you are going to do something that makes you different. What's the plan?

(I hope you don't mind my stubborn criticism!)

Hello EF_Kevin. Thank you, again, a billion times for your guidance, patience and help. Please, don't think at all you have a "stubborn criticism" towards me. I'd call it "constructive teaching." This is what I could come up:

"The American dream for me always was to go to America, receive the best education, have a career in Economics or Business and leave a positive mark there. It also included repaying my parents all their sacrifices and hard work for me, which inspired me greatly. My search for that dream was to become harder than I thought, but regardless of that I continued."

You said that lots of people are from Peru and lots of people carry water. It's true. But almost any of those people go through the things I've told on my story. I've always had a plan: come to America, become citizen, get a education, work hard and smart to be successful, etc. I think that makes me different, not just what I will do, but what I've done until now in Peru and here to be on the place I am now. That's what I wanted to show by relating this story. I've read several college essays before and I didn't see any specific plan on any of those essays. I already have a plan, which I've taken since before coming to America.

By relating my story I wanted to show how hard I can work, how witty I am to take decission and that no matter what problems may show up, I don't give up to my plan of being sucessful in live. How exactly am I going to be successful, doing exactly what? That I don't know.

Honestly, I don't know exactly what I will do after graduating college and I think many freshmen don't either. I know I like numbers, money, the business world, but I don't want to lie or exagerate.

Thank you for reading this. Have a nice day

These are the words I think you should stop using. Any time you say "be successful" you can instead say exactly what you want to achieve. Any time you say "get an education" you can say exactly what field of study you want to master AND what specialization you want to choose.

You can cite current articles, recent advancements in your field -- and show that you actually have a specific plan.


Yep, so you do not have a plan yet. And you are right when you say many applicants have no plan. But my job is to tell you how to write an essay that will be as effective as possible. The reader will favor an applicant who has been making a detailed, specific plan for a long time. That kind of thing is inspirational.

If you do not have a plan yet, make a tentative plan. This is important. Even though you might change your direction, make a plan now -- a tentative plan -- based on your talents and interests. It may change, and that is okay... but if you want to impress the reader, show that you are a methodical thinker who can make a plan!! :-))))))))))))) You are not exaggerating or lying if you make a tentative plan (which includes several short term goals!)

After the 2008 financial collapse a new part of my American dream became still being part of those enterprises, but involved influencing those enterprises to keep them profitable without causing economic havoc.----I altered this sentence a little. I made it concise.

I think productive IS better than profitable! :-)

maybe Boston Consulting Group, I don't know. ---But wouldn't you be impressed with an undergrad who said, "Sooner or later, I am going to get a position at Boston Consulting Group!" That student is more impressive than the student who is more realistic and says, "I don't know exactly which organization I will work for..." Isn't it strange? The realistic person is not as impressive as the passionate person.

Exactly what method I will use to influence those companies, maybe not-so-suffocating financial reform and/or fairer trade with China, I don't know. ---Well now you are getting down to it. In fact, this sentence could even have a place in your essay.

I don't want to erase any of my experiences because I think those make me outstand from the average transfer applicant who didn't have to worry about about being deported or didn't have to save for 7 years to go college.--Yes, good call. Just say them in as few words as possible. When giving info, use as few words as possible.

There is always room for a sentence or two about what you are determined to accomplish. And the details are the greatest part! A really eccentric person with a dream... that is what makes readers respond.

Honestly, the essay is so impressive already... I think it is a winner. It's just that I feel like the way to complete it is to express what you intend to do now. So... I keep bantering about it with you. I am longwinded!

Hello EF_Kevin. Thank you, as usual, a thousand trillion times for your guidance and help. I think I finally came up with my specific and inspiring short-term plan:

"My life changed when I came to America to study. I was born in Peru, and although my life there was not easy, it was not as difficult as in here. I have always had interest on how money flows and the overall economy functions; that's why I want to learn how markets and businesses work because my American dream has been going to America, mastering in Economics and being part of a banking institution, a financial or consulting firm like Boston Consulting Group. After the 2008's financial collapse a new part of my American dream became influencing those enterprises to keep them productive without causing economic havoc through methods like not-too-suffocating financial regulation and farer trade with China . My search for that dream was to become harder than I thought, but regardless of that I continued."

Please tell me what you think. I have your opinion on very high regard. Happy 4th of July. Have a nice day.

...interest in how money flows and the overall economy functions; that's why I want to learn how markets and businesses work because my American dream has been going America, mastering in Economics, and being part of a banking institution -- a financial or consulting firm, like Boston Consulting Group. After the 2008 financial collapse, a new part of my American dream became influencing those enterprises to keep them productive without causing economic havoc and contributing to success without financial regulation that does not suffocate business, through fair trade with China, and through innovative methods I will develop based on expertise I gain at NAME OF SCHOOL. My search for that dream was to become ...

Awesome, dude. You got it. Now all the time we spent was worth it. It is hard to commit to a plan, but you got it. Now you can set deadlines and short term goals for yourself based on this plan. When you completely transform the world economy, I am going to remind you that you worked on your idea in this thread.

See, the thing is... you have to be able to EXPRESS your plan. Then, you can act. That is what we call "magic words." I think these magic words will really be quite effective for making the reader want to give you an opportunity.

Great job!

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