Hi all,
I am looking for some suggestions as to how to improve my essay (not so much grammar suggestions as thoughts on the general idea and structure of the essay). I would really appreciate any advice! Please be harsh! I am also open to suggestions for a title. Thank you in advance!
Bam! On the last beat of the song, Meghan and I struck our most outrageous diva poses. Breathing heavily and nearly panting after finishing our original three minute fifty-seven second dance routine, the two of us stood in front of mom and dad with beaming eyes and the silliest grins slapped across our faces. "Bravo!" one of them shouted, as my sister and I happily welcomed the sweet sound of applause. Whether they were truly impressed with our routine or simply amused by our amateur dance moves, I could not be sure, but in any case, our thrilling performance had been a success. The journey to this point, however, had been marred by discord and dispute.
When Meghan and I were in the first and fourth grade, respectively, our cousin had gifted us a pink portable boom box embellished with pink and purple daisies. Naturally, it was the first thing we turned to on the next rainy day. As soon as we brought out the new toy, an argument over who had DJ rights immediately erupted.
"Stop pressing the skip button! I want to listen to that song!"
"I hate that song!"
"Can't you let me have my way for once?"
Hoping to put an end to the incessant bickering and to divert our attention from the contentious issue, my mother suggested choreographing our own dance to the music. Little did she know that she was opening a whole new can of worms.
Meghan and I enjoyed an entire five minutes of conflict-free fun. "Five, six, seven, eight!" I would count. As the pop song started, we would happily skip around a circle with arms outstretched like airplane wings. After that, however, Meghan desperately wanted to incorporate a couple of spins while I thought some funky arm movements were much more appropriate for that part. I emerged victorious, but the next minute, Meghan and I were once again battling over the specific type of arm movements to include. Frustrated and emotionally drained, I blurted out, "I'm older, so my ideas are better!" One thing I admire about my sister is her will to stand up for herself. In response to my comment, an enraged Meghan started on a bona fide rant on how so very wrong I was, and subsequently stormed off.
Meghan and I settled our differences the next day and worked on our routine until it was performance ready. The dance turned out even better than I imagined with Meghan's input. Looking back, I appreciate that Meghan put me in my place. I was so focused on fulfilling my own vision of the dance that I opposed to all of my sister's suggestions. This incident and many others have taught me the importance of reconciliation. Even if Meghan is four years younger than me, her opinion is equally as valuable. I have realized that to lead effectively, being sensitive to others' needs is as important as pursing one's own goals.
Firstly, I like the topic that you chose for your essay. It's not about a relative dying, or an important historical figure, but you do a good job at the end of summing up how your sister influenced you.
However, I'm not sure how well your structure flows. I can see what you were going for with:
1. An effective intro, with a story to start the essay
2. How your whole adventure started, with your cousin buying you a boombox
3. The conflict between you and your sister
4. Conclusion: how the conflict was resolved and what you learnt from it
I think you just need to tighten it up about with marking words, to clearly delineate your thought process of going through those four steps.
For example:
- at the beginning of second paragraph start with: it began when
- put a colon after erupted
- the DJ rights bit is cute but (and this may just be me - take of it what you will) since you started your essay talking about dancing, when you write that you two took out the boombox I immediately assumed that you had already decided to choreograph a dance. To mark the change between when you were just listening to music, to when you were actually dancing, I think you should get rid of the DJ bit and just say 'who was going to choose what song we were going to listen to', or something along those lines
-again, at the beginning of the third paragraph write 'at first', so that the reader can clearly pick out the development of your story
- the last two sentences of your third paragraph have a wee sequencing problem by putting reflection before evidence. You reflect on how you admire that your sister stands up for herself, before the reader knows she actually stood up for herself. If you want to keep it the way it is, put a dash at the end of the first sentence and merge them, or talk about her reaction and then reflect on it
- at the beginning of the fourth paragraph put a word to suggest that you are nearing your conclusion i.e. Nevertheless or Eventually or in the end
Otherwise your writing is very clear and you do a great job of getting your point across.
I hope this helps and good luck :D do you think you could help me with my common app essay too? Thanks!
When Meghan and I were in the first and fourth grade, respectively, our cousin had gifted us a pink portable boom box embellished with pink and purple daisies.
You have some very cool sentences... great to read. This is a really nice writing style.
I think you can come up with a better word than bam at the start. You can get the same effect with a word that perhaps contains more meaning. You can even use a short sentence. Try different alternatives, because I think bam does not work.
Even
if though Meghan is four years younger than me, her opinion is equally as valuable.
All this amounts to a lesson you learned about leadership. That means my advice is like this: Try condensing the meaning and all excellent sentences of this essay into an anecdote near the beginning of a new essay. Compress all the great writing here into one awesome paragraph, and let all the meaning of this essay be contained in that small amount of writing. That way, you can use this as a "jumping off" point and develop the theme in any way you want.. perhaps making connections to your field of academic interest.
:-)
