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'Outside is cold and dry' - Common App Essay - childhood to adulthood transformation

dowotyyyyy 2 / 5  
Oct 20, 2014   #1
I've been revised it only three times but I just couldn't make it looks better :(((((((
Please take a look at it and ANY comments or criticisms are welcomed!!!!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PROMPT: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Outside is cold and dry. I am sitting in a warm and snag room and mustering up my courage to write the application essay to the American University. This weather reminds me of two years ago at this time; I was standing in the chill wind of Calgary's unbearable bitter winter morning and waiting for the early bus to go to The Chinese Academic of Alberta, the Chinese school that I volunteered for. Although the work was not easy, but what this volunteer job offered me is something that cannot be superseded.

I witnessed almost two years of winter in Calgary during my three years in Canada. What I had to do at that time was arrive at the school before nine o'clock in the morning every Saturday. Since I only lived with my mother in the foreign country, the chances of go to school by car for me was very limited. Therefore, every weekend, it took me at least 2 hours to get to the school by bus. At the beginning I almost gave up this volunteering job because I really felt that it did not worth my efforts - I had to force myself leave the bed and struggle with the harsh winter for the most time of the year. Every time I woke up I had to find some reasons to support myself. For instance, there was still a child who had not remembered the word "oxygen" yet - although I had already taught him the word for three weeks. Just like that, two months later not only that child finally remember the "oxygen" word and got the meaning of it, it was also a miracle that I began to treat this work as a routine. Granted that sometime I still felt a little bit of tired, the smiling faces and the aspirations to fresh knowledge of my students would eventually cheered me up and strengthen me.

My mom keeps telling me that truly grown-up must have the sense of responsibility, but I was confused - isn't it the same as determination? However, I sort of understand the subtle difference between these two, and this is also one of the things that my one and half years experiment taught me. For me, responsibility is the perseverance with the investment of one's true heart and feelings. Every weekend I had to face a same group of people and deal with a same kind of works; even my students' complaints over their classmates were all much of a muchness. But the teachers were waiting for my assistance, my students were eager for my advices and help. I have responsibility for them. Once I start doing something, it means that I have to be conscientious in my work. Whatever the work is, and no matter how boring or arduous it is.

Actually I was a completely different person before I went to Canada. Before went through the baptism of my volunteering experiment I was a kind of person who let the grass grow under my feet and lack of enterprising spirit. But right now, for example, instead of give up the courses that I don't understand, I will teach myself after class and ask teachers questions; always be positive and serious about my club's activities even there were only five people at the first.

Those words, persistence, responsibility, and patience, are not just some abstract concepts to me anymore; they has become parts of me. Although I might not be a strong and firm grown-up just yet, I am already a young adult bearing a sense of duty. No give up halfway, no complaints about the difficulties, I know lucidly that there is no reason for stop after you began something. These changes on me will arm me and help me face the next challenge in the unknown future.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 20, 2014   #2
Roushoui,the problem with your essay is that it does not answer the prompt at all. We are talking about a life altering event that led you to transform from a child to an adult during a time when you were supposed to still be in the mindset and actions of a child. Topics that cover this prompt include life lesson results. So you should discuss something serious and truly life altering. Reflect on your life so far, was there any point in time when you felt like you had to grow up fast because you had no other choice? That is the kind of question you should be looking at answering while looking for a proper topic for your essay. Possible topics include the death of a loved one, a rite of passage in your community or family, baby-sitting would be a simple example of this, or having to take responsibility for your actions. My suggestions are meant to help guide you towards properly answering the prompt. Kindly consider these constructive criticisms and suggestions. I am looking forward to your revised version, if you decide to write one that is :-)
OP dowotyyyyy 2 / 5  
Oct 20, 2014   #3
OMG Thanks for your suggestion vangiespen! But rewrite the whole essay is not a good news at all....ugh

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