Palazzio Vecchio - Carnegie Mellon Supplement

List the books (if any) you've read this year for pleasure. Choose one and in a sentence describe its impact on you. (Limit 500 words)

1) Inferno by Dan Brown, 2) Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, 3) Intelligent Investor by Ben Graham 4) Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian by Eoin Colfer

Pacing through Palazzo Vecchio in Florence, Italy, Robert Langdon is immersed in centuries of magnificent artwork, the culmination of the Renaissance in Italy. However he isn't here for leisure, he's on a mission to find the clue hidden in the Dante's mask, in order to save the world. Easy to get lost in the enormous collection of art, a precise plan of action is necessary to reach his goal of avoiding Inferno. (Dan Brown)

Robert Langdon is a Harvard Professor of symbology, who is tasked with piecing together various symbols in Italy in order to find and suppress a contagion. By definition, a symbol stands to represent something else, through some form of deeper meaning. Frantically travelling from art museums and the Palazzo Vecchio in Italy to the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, some of the finest pieces of art are explored, such as Lorenzo Ghiberti's Gates to Heaven. The twist however, is that from all of the art Langdon encounters, he must put himself in the mind of the perpetrator and properly choose with specific works of art have the clues hidden in them.

Similar to Langdon in Inferno, I am drawn to Carnegie Mellon because I will be offered a vast amount of opportunities and numerous potential paths to take, of which I have to take the right one in order to reach my ultimate goal of succeeding on Wall Street. Carnegie Mellon is the Palazzo Vecchio, and I am Robert Langdon. However, my Dante's mask is a diploma from Carnegie Mellon.

First I think you really answered the prompt and you did a good job. I think you have a good start so far and it could still use a little work.

Very good, it passed my initial expectations. I am not entirely sure what corrections could be made here unless you want to add a few creative words into it.

I think that you are merely making an analogy but not answering the prompt. They want to know what the book's impact on you was. How did the book help you choose a career or how did it help you see the work in a different light? I think these questions would be a good, but limited, way to rephrase the prompt.

Good luck!

The beginning is a bit confusing in conjunction with the rest of the the sentence, try rewording it or adding words such as "Since it is easy to get lost"


After the "frantically traveling" clause, there needs to be a subject. The reader knows that it is Robert Langdon, but the sentence needs to be grammatically correct.

Also, "travelling" should only have one L = traveling

Finally, you might want to expand on the last paragraph; for example, since you state there are numerous opportunities, be more specific: what is an opportunity (/program) available at Carnegie Mellon that you can take that will lead you to your ultimate goal?

Overall, I like your essay and the different pieces of art you name throughout. I like how you wrap up the essay with the same image of Palazzo Vecchio, Robert Langdon, and Dante's mask in relation to your own life.

Thanks for taking the time to read, what aspects of it do you think I can improve?

WizFan2
great first para. the last one - not so much.
though I love how you wrap up the essay, you haven't been very specific. Pick a course, a professor, or some study abroad program that you really LOVED, and go bananas.

It has a lot of potential, you just need to make sure the essay doesn't lose its momentum.

Let me know if I can help further.

Similar to Langdon in Inferno, I am drawn to Carnegie Mellon because I will be offered a vast amount of opportunities and numerous potential paths to take, of which I have to take the right one in order to reach my ultimate goal of succeeding on Wall Street. The most unique aspect of Carnegie Mellon is that through the joint economics program with the Tepper School of Business, I can merge those multiple paths into a convergent road to success. While taking courses through Tepper, I'm guaranteed networking connections for internships and jobs, while through Dietrich I will be allowed to freely explore other interests. With these opportunities, Carnegie Mellon is the Palazzo Vecchio, and I am Robert Langdon. However, my Dante's mask is a diploma from Carnegie Mellon.

How's the last paragraph now?

WizFan2
much better than the previous one. some edits:

Similar to Langdon in Inferno, I am drawn to Carnegie Mellon because I will be offered a vast amount of opportunities and numerous potential paths to take, of which I have to take the right one in order to reach my ultimate goal of succeeding on Wall Street. - i get the sentiment, but sentence structure is quite convoluted and doesn't flow at all. definitely revise.

Second last line, cut out 'with these opportunities'. just start with 'carnegie mellon is the...'

possibly merge the last two sentences (could ignore this):
Carnegie Mellon is the Palazzo Vecchio, and I am Robert Langdon - the diploma is my Dante's Mask.

Let me know if I can help further. and please read my new post on the st. olaf essay.

Is Dietrich another school? Even though the college admissions will know what it is, it seems very vague and just blindly placed into the paragraph. You can explore other interests such as your passion for _____.

This is just an opinion, not necessary: Also, you can place a semicolon after "jobs" or just make it an entire new sentence itself.

But good job revising your last paragraph, it seems much more specific to the college now

This is much more specific but I kinda see what they were saying about the analogy part. Try to make it about the impact on you.

I do like your essay but it only totals about 253 words and with the limit being 500 I would suggest you add some more content to it. Just make sure that anything you add is actually important, admissions counselors don't want to be reading a bunch of fluff.