Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.
- note: i DEFINITELY went out on a limb for this essay- this is a very rough draft. this is the general direction i want my essay to lean towards- any suggestions?
Panic. Chaos. Insanity. And that's just how my desk looks half of the time. After living for16 years on this chaotic, yet often amazing world, the only thing I have truly learned is that appearances are deceiving. If you take a look at my book bag, my desk, and my locker, the one commonality you may discover is that they're all a mess. Even myself- at first glance I may seem like the least likely candidate to be applying to a school such as Stanford; however, I pride myself on that fact. I believe that life is short, life is sweet, and life isn't all about studying.
If I am your roommate, you will sure be soon to discover that while studying is a priority- it is far from being my top priority. Coming from an Asian background I live up to the stereotype of having demanding parents, and consequentially I spent the majority of my childhood seeing my desk more often than my backyard. After years of house arrest, I have come to realize that while academics play an important role in one's life, it isn't everything. I've discovered that, miraculously, it is possible to have a life outside of studying. While my academic performance may not be at the level of a super genius- I have had the pleasure of enjoying every minute of my schooling career, exploring different paths be it educational or not. As my roommate, you will quickly realize that I love having a good time and be warned- I'll force you to have more fun than you can possibly endure. Ultimately, I believe that you will recognize that I am not just another stereotypical Asian and I sincerely hope that by becoming my roommate, you will realize that appearances can, in fact, be deceiving.
I believe that you will recognize that I am not just another stereotypical Asian
This is the heart of your essay. Stay with that. Elaborate it. I like the liveliness of your opening but I, probably like you, worry that an emphasis on messiness may have a negative effect. I'd lead with fun-loving instead.
hmm thanks for the tip- maybe ill just examine my personal life or something in a third person point of view. yeah def. saw the messiness as a negative though
Don't switch to third person.
I like the first line as it is, just don't want you to go too far in the direction of stressing messiness and disregard for studies.
Even myself- at first glance I may seem like the least likely candidate to be applying to a school such as Stanford; however, I pride myself on that fact. I believe that life is short, life is sweet, and life isn't all about studying.
^I got quite thrown off by those lines actually.
-You admit that you seem like an unlikely Stanford candidate.:
-You could have said that because you have a stereotyped image on the Stanford student. It is understood that Stanford admits students who are very academic, therefore the stereotyped image would be a nerd right? Are you trying to pride yourself that you do not look like some nerd?
Fine, Stanford also admits people who have strong talents. Are you implying that you are not talented then?
If you were on the track of the former suggestion, it shows some ignorance on your part on the type of community and people that Stanford look for.
-Also, whilst life is not all about studying, it is bad enough that you decided to structure your sentence in an informal manner, but it is worse when you try to give off the impression that studies are not important to a University such as Stanford, where a lot of independant study is actually required.
'If I am your roommate, you will sure be soon to discover that while studying is a priority- it is far from being my top priority'
^O dear God. I already thought the previous line was bad, and now you say this? I will look at the rest of your essay now..lol
After years of house arrest, I have come to realize that while academics play an important role in one's life, it isn't everything.
^Is the 'house arrest' a literal term, or were you actually placed under probation. Only include 'house arrest' if the latter is true, otherwise it can be quite misleading.
I've discovered that, miraculously, it is possible to have a life outside of studying. While my academic performance may not be at the level of a super genius- I have had the pleasure of enjoying every minute of my schooling careerand exploring different paths be it educational or not.
^Learning at school is not a career. Quite frankly, you can omit the whole sentence about the 'super genius'.
As my roommate, you will quickly realize that I love having a good time and be warned- I'll force you to have more fun than you can possibly endure.
^
Perhaps you can talk about what fun is. Dorks may think that going to a comic book convention is fun, however I would much rather prefer a rave party.
Also, some people may think that books are their best friends and that studying them is their definition of a good time. Other people like to sit home and play World of Warcraft. If these are people's definition of 'fun', then will you actually encourage them to do these activities 'more than' they 'can possibly endure'?
Ultimately, I believe that you will recognize that I am not just another stereotypical Asian and I sincerely hope that by becoming my roommate, you will realize that appearances can, in fact, be deceiving.
^You are not only addressing the room mate in this question. You are also writing to the Admissions Council.
Good luck man...
You are not only addressing the room mate in this question. You are also writing to the Admissions Council.
Yes indeedy. And so saying that studying isn't your main priority, and that you plan to be a party animal, while refreshingly honest, is a horrible idea. There is a time and a place for honesty, and application essays aren't necessarily it, unless you happen to genuinely possess all of the characteristics and to hold all of the views that the admissions officers are looking for in successful applicants. That said, you can still go with the messiness thing -- you won't be the first university student to leave his room a tad cluttered, and keeping your room disorganized isn't predictive of academic success. Studying sort of is, though, so you should avoid any and all claims that you will treat your academic work as anything other than your first priority.
haha thanks for the advice- decided to scrap the idea, I over exaggerated a lot because many of the essays I've looked at for this prompt tried to...add bits of humor..thought I'd try my hand at that but it didn't work out to well. I'll probably scrap this idea and just try to focus my essay more on the idea that I'm not just another Asian stereotype like the first reply stated. Thanks everyone!
Humor is good. It is also very subjective, and so difficult to do well. That said, there is no reason you shouldn't make your essay a bit lighthearted. Just make sure the personal flaws you point out aren't ones that might adversely affect your academic performance -- the applications officers likely won't find that particularly funny.
The central idea -- that you are more light-hearted, fun-loving, and spontaneous than the stereotyped Asian American over-achiever -- is excellent. The lively tone of the first piece was refreshing and showed the personality you described. So, it's just a matter of conveying the same idea, in the same tone, without exaggerating your messiness (bad for roommates) or disinclination to study (bad for admissions officers).
For example, warning your roommate that s/he will have more fun that s/he can endure is funny and good, especially if you illustrate by mentioning your zest for all sorts of extracurricular activities -- arts, sport, etc. Universities like well-rounded students who will actively involve themselves in the life of the university community rather than sitting at desks all day and night. So, it's just a matter of adjusting the balance.
Thanks for all your suggestions, I decided to stay with the topic and I'm going to omit the negative parts and focus more on the stereotype. I did over exaggerate a lot, so I'll probably tone everything down and hopefully it'll be better. Thanks everyone!
I think you should make it clear that it is only your peers that stereotype you.
You do not want to make it sound as if you think that even the Admissions Council stereotypes a person by his/her nationality. That is rude. They will not like it.
haha of course. I'm not going to say that they're the ones that are stereotyping, I'm just talking about high school's normal stereotypes
At the moment you mention stereotypes as a frame for your letter, which is fine, but I wouldn't go into much more detail about them than you already do. The letter is supposed to be about you, after all.
Panic. Chaos. Insanity. And that's just how my desk looks half of the time. After living for16 years on this chaotic, yet often amazing world
Chaos and chaotic. How about tumultous?
How about tumultous?
I think you mean "tumultuous." That's a good word.
i think everyones overthinking it.
i like your idea of house arrest. the admissions ple will know you didnt mean real house arrest unless there retarted (which there not. common they work for stanford)
and then, you can say messy, but only to incorporate it into your essay about "looks can be deceiving" i liked that as your main idea.
a lot.
go with taht.
make that what you mainly want your roomie to know about you. i do agree that you do want to keep it professional though, you are writing to the admissions ple!
good luck!
Did you ever come up with a revised draft for this one?