"My parents are pastors" - UC Prompt #1 - My World

Please don't feel bad about criticizing it... I will be very thankful if you actually criticized alot.
Feel free to throw your criticism at my essay because I know I am not that good. ^_^
So please help out in my essay~ I will listen to every suggestions~ ^_^
Thanks in advance for all the help~!

Prompt#1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My short life thus far has been a perfect depiction of the common saying "a person's environment shapes who he is". I can confidently say that my familial and social background has molded me to be the caring and friendly person that I am today. Not only has it shaped my personality, but it has led me to dream to be a leader that will use the love of Jesus that I have experienced to travel around the world to help people in need of a helping hand or a friend that will listen and trust them.

I am from a Korean family of six and have an older brother and two younger sisters. The fact that I have multiple siblings has helped me to be more cooperative with others and helped me to learn the importance and strength of a group. I did not get to do whatever I wanted to do, instead my parents always taught me to try to go along with my brother and sisters. I thought it was really mean, but now that I am older I can see that they only did it for my own welfare. I was being taught by my parents to try to work with people around me without argument and to try to help them in as many ways that I can. I still recall that when having something to eat I would always have to share it with my brother and sisters even though I did not want to share with them. Another vivid memory that I have is that whenever we would gather to eat there was a simple rule, never start eating if one of our family members was not present.

My parents were missionaries, but now they are pastors at Full Gospel Los Angeles Church. Because of their job I had the chance of traveling to different countries and thus learn four unique languages. And with them being missionaries it was easy to go on a mission trip. Shocked I was when I went to North East of Brazil on a mission trip. The small village was surrounded with trash and children were suffering because of the disease and lack of food. Regardless of the trash, the children were amazed and content to see a Korean talk in Portuguese. Troubled by this reality, I decided to not let anyone else suffer like they are and be there for those that need a friend or a hand to stand up again.

From birth, I was taught to live a Christian life and taught about Jesus' love. Their religious influence has always played an important role in my life. I was told to always help others just as Jesus helped our family and me. A donation was given with pleasure but money lacked when needed to buy clothes. I would not get why they cared so much about helping and treating others so well. But now I am thankful that they taught me to be more caring and helpful to others because I can go out and help people with a little more ease than my peers. I enjoy seeing people smiles of thankfulness after I lend a helping hand. This Christian background has taught me to always treat others as I would like them to treat me.

My background has played a vital role in shaping and helping me to realize my ultimate dream, which is to travel around the world and help people that are in need with the love of Jesus. I still want to travel and learn more about new cultures, languages, different people, and different personalities. I believe that the lessons that I have learned from my surroundings and my parents has given me a boost to realize this dream because I have gained the ability to cooperate with others and work within a group. More importantly, the religion that I follow has taught me about Jesus and his love and has blessed me with a passion to share it with the people that are in need.

Prompt#2 My Strenght

"You talk more than teachers do!" the teacher would tell me. Since elementary I had been an active speaker in class and in a relationship. As I grew I started learning four new languages, Spanish, Korean, English, and Portuguese. And with that I knew that I had a great talent in languages and therefore in speaking and listening to others.

These four languages have helped me throughout my whole life in ways that were obvious and also in ways that I did not even dream about. Spanish was my choice for foreign language class. I took the Spanish 1-2 class, but in my mind I thought that it was too elementary for me because of my background with the language. Burdened with frustration I decided to ask the counselor to raise me to a higher class. My counselor, Mrs. Makijan told me to talk to the Spanish teacher Ms. Villagomez to take a test. I took the test and fortunately did well and went straight to Spanish 5-6. Through elementary Spanish, I learned an important lesson that I cannot coast through my academic career. If I want to grow as a scholar and as a person, I must continue to push and challenge myself. While Spanish 1-2 may have been a trivial bump in my high school journey, it actually was a catalyst in how I view school and general academia today.

Speaking multiple languages has granted me the opportunity to meet and speak with different people that my peers have a difficult time approaching due to language barriers. A perfect example is my involvement with my church's street mission's work. What started with me speaking with a few people in Spanish in the middle of Skid Row in Los Angeles, California turned into me translating Korean sermons into Spanish. I did not expect it but it was yet another door that was opened due to my knowledge of multiple languages.

I am very thankful that I had the opportunity to learn multiple languages which is helpful because I want to travel around the world and to do that I would need to know multiple languages to communicate. Prepared to achieve my dream, I am always encouraging myself that if I challenge and push myself I can achieve my dreams.

Since young I did not get to do whatever I wanted to do, I would always be taught by my parents to try to go along with my brother and sisters

(its "Since I was young...")

At young age I thought it was really mean in their pa
(omit "at young age")

i think you have great details and points, but i think you should have a better intro and conclusion. you need a more interesting or effective conclusion and you generalize too much in the first paragraph.

if you need to shorten your essay, i think you should delete / summarize this para, and focus more on how your parent's religion affected your dreams and aspirations:

My family is a Korean family of six counting both my parents. I have an older brother and two younger sisters after me. The fact that I have multiple siblings has helped me to be more cooperative with others and helped to learn the importance of group work. Since young I did not get to do whatever I wanted to do, I would always be taught by my parents to try to go along with my brother and sisters. At young age I thought it was really mean in their part, but now that I am older I can see that they did for my own welfare. I was being taught by my parents to try to work with people around me without argument and to try to help them in as many ways I can. I still recall that when having something to eat I would always have to share it with my brother and sisters even though I did not want to share them. Another vivid memory that I have is that whenever we would gather to eat there was a simple rule, never start eating if one of the family member was not there. Through my parents I was taught both patience and the importance to work peacefully with the people that surrounded me.

Thx alot~ ^^
if i omit "at young age" what can i write?

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE HELP~ ^^_^^
ANYONE ELSE PLZ HELP ME... T.T
I NEED AS MUCH HELP AS NEEDED~

you dont need to write anything else, just omitting is fine =)

Thank You Channy~! ^^
you are really helpful!!!!
i feel more confident now...^^
is there any other little corrections to make it better?

I can seriously relate with this essay! I'm Korean too and my dad is a pastor. :D

I have an older brother and two younger sisters after me

My parents were missionaries when they were younger, but now they are pastors atin a church called Full Gospel Los Angeles Church.

I think you use the word "different" too many times. Maybe you can find a synonym for it.

The essay is very straightforward and easy to understand. I just think you need to watch out for grammatical errors.
Good luck with your essay!

Hey! You chose a risky topic to write about. You emphasize the fact that your parents are pastors too much, but the essay is nicely written. Some of the information is redundant, so if you are short on words, you should take the repetitive parts out. =)

criticize mine from Korean perspectives? (check my profile)

Thanks alot guys~ for the help~ ^^

first essay i skimmed and didnt notice much. you answer the prompt nicely tho.

And thus the ability to speak multiple different languages is the talent that I am most proud of.<awkward wording>I had the blessing of living in four different countries, therefore, learnt four different languages. <here too. the clauses sound off a bit.>

which granted me to learn Spanish; lived in Brazil, which granted me to learn [where I learned Spanish...learned or learnt, I thik its learned.>

"Why am I wasting time here?" I regret taking french. It's no real help here in SoCal. maybe instead of mentioning the spanish class event, talk about what you used Spanish for in your trips, and in church.

to do that I would need to know their languages to communicate.
I am a little prepared to achieve my dream <sounds insecure> [Learning these languages have prepared me to achieve my dream...] edit the ending a bit.

I have experienced in my life the saying that the environment that is lived shapes the person to be the person one is.
-this sentence kind of sounds awkward and wordy. maybe rewrite it like "...that one's environment shapes him or her into a unique individual?"

But now I am thankful that they taught me to be more caring and helpful to others because I can actually go out and help others with a little more ease than others. I enjoy seeing people smile in thankfulness after I had helped.

-"because I can actually go out and hlep others with a little more ease than others" sounds a little unnatural and maybe too colloquial (?). maybe say" I am grateful that my parents have taught me to become a more caring and helpful individual?" Also, maybe say "people smile with gratitude?"

So I am always eager when it comes to help another person.
-I am always eager to help other people.

With all the moving, I was able to meet unique types of people and learn different cultures and languages. I think this as a great blessing in my life because it added to the knowledge of various languages and the encounter of various people that live in the world.

-This makes me very curious: "what kinds of different cultures and languages were you able to encounter through your unique experience?"

And lastly the experience of different cultures has helped to be somewhat ready to know how to deal with different people.
-This sentence sounds uncertain. I think you should be more conclusive and write it with more confidence. Be confident of what you have achieved!
"The exposure to different cultures through this unique opportunity has helped me learn to interact and deal with a diverse range of people?"

Don't use "somewhat ready"

Good luck with your essays! :) I am Korean myself by the way :)))

Thanks so much for all your help ~ ^_^
ill edit it again =P

I would try to use a bit more descriptive language when you are describing things like your mission trip to Brazil. As a Brazilian citizen who as also been to the slums, I think you can be a lot more descriptive than just "villages covered in trash." The only other thing I would not is that lots of other kids write about mission trip experiences and admins are getting tired of reading them. Make sure your essay has a unique angle.

THANKS ALOT~
KKK
ILL HAVE THAT IN MIND AND EDIT AGAIN~ ^^
THX

I think readers could clearly understand the ideas you express in the first essay. However, your essay is a little bit redundant. In addition, I think you should distinguish one point that affects you most during writing. For instance, you have talked about your parents, siblings, regions. Than you may use some information as backgrounds and emphasize, for instance, your trip to Brazil to express your dream to help people around the world. That way, you will easily impress the readers.

These are just my opinions.
Take whatever you want.

longyue i dont get it.. can u plz explain your comments? =PP
sorry

Sorry for making your confused. I am saying you may distinguish one point, for instance, your trip to Brazil and let other information be backgrounds. In this way, your opinions could be concentrated in one point instead of spreading around. I think this would be better.

Just my opinions.
take whatever you want.

I Think your writting is good enough. HOwever, it's just the idea. I dont good at grammar much :D