So this is my first draft of the personal statement for the common app (about an extracurricular). I have two specific questions. The first about the length; it's too long, what can i do to shorten it to 150 words?
the second is about vocabulary. Not many people know about the Parkour (it's a sport, and the subject of my P.S.) Practitioners of Parkour are called Tracuers. Do i need to explain this in the P.S, or is it okay using vocabulary that the admissions officers probably won't know?
Otherwise, any general feedback about the statement would also be greatly appreciated.
Thanks guys!
Jonathan Flash
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PERSONAL STATEMENT:
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Parkour is a physical discipline inspired by human movement, focusing on fast, efficient forward motion over, under, and around obstacles in one's environment. I first got into the sport in 9th grade, and started training routinely the next year. At the time, parkour was not a well-known sport in Brookline. However, by encouraging my friends to train with me and later post flyers and make websites to promote our group, we helped spread awareness of the sport.
Now, my friends and I train with the New England team. The Brookline parkour community has gone from one member to almost thirty, and there's nothing I enjoy more than seeing one of the newcomers master a dexterous technique. I teach members and plan meetings for all of Brookline's parkour participants, and take pride in how I am viewed by other practitioners of the sport.
I don't think any more explanation of Parkour is necessary. I had no idea what it was and I still kind of don't, however the importance of it is that it's not a very well-known sport and I think that that was clearly conveyed in your statement.
However, I didn't find it necessary to stick in "Traceurs" at the end. It's not too obvious to the reader that a Traceur is one who practices Parkour as the words don't seem too related, and really the last thing you need to do is tack another definition to the end of the statement. I'd suggest that you merely say "players of Parkour" and avoid having to teach the audience a new word.
Now, my friends and I train with the New England team, and the Brookline Parkour Community has gone from one member to almost thirty. Having trained longer and harder than most of the other members, I consider myself the best in Brookline
I honestly think it's a little tacky to outright tell the audience that you're the best Parkour player in Brookline. I know that admissions officers tell you not to hesitate about expounding upon your accomplishments, however is it not apparent to audience that you're the best player since you started the team and are training its members? So the statement comes across as being a bit insulting to our intelligence. Besides, the fact that you started and lead the team is more important than telling us how skilled you are at the sport.
At the time, Parkour was not a well known sport in Brookline; however I made the effort to encourage my friends to train with me. We taught each other and trained often. I would post flyers and make websites promoting our small group and encouraging newcomers to train with us to spread awareness of Parkour.
I would simply rewrite this as: "At the time, Parkour was not a well-known sport in Brookline. However, by encouraging my friends to train with me and later post flyers and make websites to promote our group, we helped spread awareness of the sport of Parkour." Though my version is still not perfect by any means, do you see how I cut out the redundant phrase "we taught each other and trained often," and then joined the sentences about your friends and making flyers? I think this keeps the flow and direction more clear (not to mention it should help cut down on your word count).
Besides those few minor details, I thought your essay was interesting and well-written. I think the admissions officers will appreciate your unusual topic as well. Good luck!
I think it will be find to use the normal discourse for this area; showing your knowledge about any subject is always a good thing when dealing with an admissions board. If the member has a question, he/she will know who to ask!
As for the piece:
"Parkour is a physical discipline inspired by human movement, focusing on fast, efficient forward motion over, under, and around obstacles in one's environment. I first got into the sport in 9th grade, and started training routinely the next year. At the time, ParkourAs this is neither a proper noun nor the first word of a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. was not a well known sport in Brookline; however, I made the effort to encourage my friends to train with me.
Thanks for the tips chink, and for the feedback, EF_Team5, but what do you mean by "contradictions"?
if you just mean use of the word "but", would you recommend i simply change it to something along the lines of "...has gone from one to almost thirty, and there's nothing i enjoy more than seeing one of the newcomers learn a new technique"
(also, is "newcomers" and "new technique" sounding redundant? maybe i should change it to like..."difficult technique", or "initiate creative techniques")
So I guess here's draft two, based solely on your advice. I'll also get an opinion from my english teacher soonish (don't take it personally- just utilizing all of my resources XD) to make a third/ fourth draft. Whadda you guys think?
okay sorry to kindof be spamming this thread, but I'm currently playing a lead role in a movie because of my parkour (as in, I star in an emerson college film in which i do parkour as a pursued/pursuing character). Should I include that as just a nod at how good at parkour i really am? (I don't want to sound conceited here, but the goal is to sell myself, right?)
Then again, fitting that into the 7 available words I have and still having it flow and sound well written would be a challenge. Any tips on fitting it in? Should i just leave it out altogether?
okay sorry to kindof be spamming this thread, but I'm currently playing a lead role in a movie because of my parkour (as in, I star in an emerson college film in which i do parkour as a pursued/pursuing character). Should I include that?
I think it would be awesome to include that, however I think it's a matter of choice about where you want to stick it in your application. To put it into your short answer might be a bit difficult without shifting the entire focus of it in a new direction. It might also make it a bit long..
I would suggest putting it in your activities list. Colleges often allow you to be very liberal in your use of the "description" column. There, you can describe in a good paragraph how you got that role without taking the tone and focus away from your short answer.
Alright, thanks for the advice chink.
wait a second where is this "description column"? I'm looking at the common app, and in the activities section i only see a small space to write additional info about the activity listed. It has something like a 100-character limit too...does the common app not have said description column?
Oh, yes. I suggest that, in addition to filling out the rather tiny activities chart the common app offers, you attach your own activities list with more in-depth descriptions of your activities and awards. While this is not required, it can only help you to elaborate more greatly on your accomplishments. A good 3-4 sentences per activity should be sufficient.
OOOH, wow i didn't know I could do that...wow, thanks.
I didn't say "contradictions," I said "contractions." These are words such as "can't," "won't," and "shouldn't." These words should be written in their full forms; "cannot," "would/will not," "should not."
In regards to redundancy, I like the word choice substitutions better as they do make the piece more interesting. The new piece is much cleaner, organized, and streamlined.
haha oops i guess i just misread. my bad. well thanks for all the help guys. I got a lot from this!
^_^
hasta,
Jonathan