'Be a part of our team and family' - ucf- determination

What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

When you are part of a team, you are a part of a family. Four months ago our school lost their second baseman in a car accident, and we lost our sister. The next game was tough. Ally's spot on the field remained empty. We started the game that night without a second baseman in remembrance of our beloved friend. The determination I had to win that game for Ally, empowered the rest of the team, and we served Ally proud that night. Determination gets me through everything in life, it is my greatest quality.

Maybe -
...my school lost our second baseman in a car accident; we lost our sister that day.
Less wordy, more poignant.
Take our the comma after Ally
maybe put We served Ally... in it's own sentence.

Nice, short and to the point. You managed to convey feeling in such a short paragraph. Nice.

I really liked the essay and it hits a soft spot in the reader's heart. However, I feel that it is maybe too short, I'm not sure. If you can write a little more, then I think you have a great essay on your hands.

What there is is good. But it doesn't qualify as an essay or anything else except a paragraph.

What it does do is lend itself to a lot of possibilities. This can be extended in so many ways. You could discuss your own determination, or the determination of the community to recover and move on.

Sometimes I try this exercise: take each sentence of the intro and try to make a paragraph out of it. If you can, you k ow how to expand what you have written.

The story definitely strikes a cord in my heart. Try expanding on it, and really conveying the steps you took to get over the incident. Colleges like hearing about how you overcame obstacles and how it helped you develop as a person

I agree with all the above posts. It was a great story and if expanded would be even better. That is a great idea about overcoming obstacles.