Participating in the regional science fair (Common App- Short Answer)

Hi,

This is a rough draft of the short answer prompt for the common app.

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Participating in the regional science fair has given me more knowledge and experience than I could ever gain from doing any other activity. I've done a research project for the past two years now in various subjects such as botany and environmental science. My sophomore year project focused on testing the immune system of plants and the following year, I developed an innovative and effective way to purify water using phycoremediation (algae). Formulating an experiment, alone, and conducting it was not easy. After presenting my project, I witnessed how much knowledge is culminated in one fair. I feel like I truly have an impact on science because so many certified judges are eager to learn about my research. The skills I learned from doing this research have definitely helped me realize that I have the potential to be involved in a medical related career.

This is fine but dull. What I mean is that it's serviceable and won't hurt you, but I suspect it could be more interesting. Could you, perhaps, try to convey (rather than just report) your fascination with the subjects you studied or your excitement in experimentation?

The beginning sentence is unnecessary; it tells the reader what you're about to show them. Your elaboration of what science fair has done for you is a more active way to inform me that you've gained more knowledge here than anywhere else.


Why not?

"Culminated" is not the word to use here. If, in one fair, all the knowledge was culminated, then the knowledge grew so as to reach an apex during the fair. But I'm assuming no one was doing any more experiences during the actual fair; you're probably looking for "accumulated."

The first half is rather prosaic. The last few lines however:


^I think these last few lines can be worked for a more effective conclusion.