High school science fair - Questbridge Proudest Achievement Short Answer

Good evening! This is my first time creating a thread on EssayForum. I understand that it's a little late to be requesting feedback, But I'm requesting feedback on one of my questbridge short answers (i believe this is my worst short answer). Please provide honest feedback. Thanks in advance!

Tell us about one of your proudest achievements or moments and what it says about you.

Perhaps my proudest achievement was winning my high school science fair on two separate occasions. Prior to completing my project, I seriously doubted my ability to compete against other brilliant minds in such a competitive event, considering that my hydroelectric generator faintly generated enough voltage to power a mere .75 watt light bulb. However, I managed to improve upon its efficiency and ultimately win my school's science fair.. However, my pride doesn't stem from winning this competition. Being selected to attend the Gwinnett Regional Science and Engineering fair forced those who had previously doubted my ability to succeed in a major stem competition as an underrepresented minority to acknowledge my talents. Although I ultimately did not emerge victorious in the county science and engineering fair, these events revealed how sedulous of a person that truly am. Several of my peers have previously discouraged me from acting upon my interests in stem. However, I refused to falter in the face of pessimism and discouragement. Competing in the county science and engineering fair highlighted the potential achievements that I can yield as I continue to develop mentally.

of a person that truly am = I am
of a person that truly am the phrase in this statement sound confusing

Competing in the county science and engineering fair, put , before highlighted

While I can see why you would want to present both achievements in this short response statement, there is a problem with this presentation. You should be picking only 1 of the 2 accomplishments to present. You should pick the achievement that says the most about your drive as a student and your desire to succeed. Perhaps it is the Gwinnet Regional Science and Engineering Fair that you should be expanding in this discussion? Base upon what I have read, it appears that this is the achievement that would best depict you as a potential college student. It shows several moments when you might have given up, but then you didn't. So a fuller discussion of this topic might be the best response to the prompt.