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'passion for business' - A Hopeful Junior Transfer - Personal Essay


speedoflight25 1 / 7  
Jan 17, 2012   #1
Hey everyone,

I'm currently a California community college student (sophomore), and am applying to a number of universities. I have started writing my personal essay in response to the following:

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

I wanted to get a few opinions before I posted my essay here to have it reviewed. Basically, this is my story that I write in my essay...Keep in mind, I'm just summarizing what the paragraph is about

Paragraph 1 - In the middle of high school, I moved across the continent, and that was extremely difficult. It led me to suffer from depression, and my junior and senior year didn't go well at all. This paragraph starts off by focusing on how well I did during the beginning of high school, but then found myself going downhill for the last two years of high school.

Paragraph 2 - I write about how I came to the realization that I had to get my life back on track (after my senior year of HS). It wasn't going to be handed to me. I decided I would enroll in community community college, then transfer to a 4-year within two years.

Paragraph 3 - I talk about my experience in community college, how I did, what I liked about it, but also why I now want to transfer out. I also talk a bit about how I came to the realization of what it is I want to major in.

What do you guys think? Are paragraph 1 and 2 necessary? Personally, I think they show a pretty nice upward trend. But hey that's just me. I'm here to find out what YOU guys think :)

That 2008 night in (City) still remains vividly in my memory, and at times feels as if it just happened yesterday. My family and I had gone out to a local Chinese restaurant, and the night was off to a cheerful start. "Ben, we have some great news!" my father said with a glistening smile. Sitting there, eager to hear the news, I had no idea it would be so devastating. "We're moving to the States in August", said my father, his face still beaming with a smile. With that one sentence, I lost my appetite entirely, and was at a loss for words. (Name of City) was my home, where I grew up, where all my friends were, and the thought of leaving all of that was behind was difficult to accept.

Prior to relocating to the United States, my first two years of high school were impressive. My grades were great and I was captain of the boy's soccer team. I was also part of UBUNTU, a nonprofit club that focused on fundraising in order to allow orphans in Kenya to attend a local high school. Club members were also partnered as pen pals with one of the females, and the letters I received from my pen pal truly shaped my personality in the sense that I never take anything for granted, and am a strong believer in helping the less fortunate. To this day, I am a strong believer of helping out the less fortunate whenever I can. If more and more people would adopt this mentality, then I truly believe the world would be a better place.

In addition to the activities within my school, I was quite active outside of school as well. I played competitive hockey and was working towards my dream of receiving a hockey scholarship. Balancing academics and competitive hockey was a challenge, which I tackled adamantly. All in all, my future was looking bright, and my plan was to go straight from high school to a four year university. Unfortunately, after relocating to the United States, the majority of my junior and senior years were spent coping with the relocation, and it soon became apparent to me that I was suffering from depression.

While I had found a few friends in my new high school, I often found it difficult to let go of my past, and would constantly reminisce about my childhood. I soon realized that the only solution was to keep myself occupied, and I decided to pursue a field I had always had a passion for; business. I decided to map out a number of business ventures that I could pursue through the internet. I had always been computer savvy, and figured that I should combine my computer skills and business mentality. At the time, I was 16 years old, and far too young to start my own "brick and mortar" type of business. On the other hand, I was certainly not one to settle for the classic "$8 an hour job" most would pursue at my age. I joined a number of popular internet marketing forums and spent countless months reading and reading, educating myself on various online business models and how they could be monetized. In the end, I decided focus on building niche websites, which would be monetized with Google Adsense. This model allowed me to practice both my marketing skills, as well as my entrepreneurship skills, while keeping me occupied with something I enjoyed.

Those first two years in the United States helped me grow as a person in many, many ways. I was more mature, confident, independent, and most importantly, knew what career path I wanted to pursue. I now know first-hand that life is full of hardships, and it is how we deal with those hardships that determines whether they will turn out to be negative or positive experiences. In my case, the hardship I faced was moving to the United States, but I decided I would turn it into a positive experience by pursuing a passion of mine. While at the beginning of move I had set my mind on moving back to Canada after high school, by the end of my senior year, I had grown fond of the United States, and realized that the country was full of opportunity.

After deciding I would remain in the United States, I enrolled at (Name of Community College) during the Fall of 2010. I had a number of goals, which included completing a rigorous course load, maintaining a high GPA, and ultimately transferring to a four year university that offered a strong business program by the Fall of 2012. At this point, I have certainly achieved two of my three goals, and now it is time to meet the third; transferring to a four year university. Attending (Name of Community College) was a spectacular experience, in the sense that I was given a second chance at proving my academic ability, and also receiving an education that did not put any major financial pressure on my parents. Nonetheless, there is no longer any growth potential for me at (Name of Community College), due to the fact that they do not offer a specialized business program. Their lack of business program coincidently leads to a student body that lacks an interest in business, minimizing any sort of networking opportunities which is essential in the business world. I truly want to enter a university that offers a strong business program, and also offers a number of business related clubs where I can network with other like-minded individuals.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Jan 19, 2012   #2
Hi :)

You are off to a great start! You have an interesting story and many good points to write about.

First paragraph: Be descriptive to get the reader's attention, as you begin your story. Try to be as "positive" about your depression as you can, try not to sound dramatic or give trivial reasons. Definitely link your depression to your move, but don't make it sound like you cannot adapt. basically you set the scene here, in order to describe your upward progress.

2nd paragraph: What inspired you to be better? Describe a few things that led to your realization. You knew that certain skills are required to be successful, and if you would not have learned these skills without hard work and perseverance. What small achievements led to you thinking that a good education is necessary?

3rd: Yes, explain how your education has shaped you into a more confident, happy, intelligent person. State your short term and long term goals. The college wants to know that you are a "person with a plan" and they you possess the skills to get what you want in life.

I think your ideas are right on track, you have a good plan for your essay. I hope to see the result of your outline posted on here, and will be happy to edit! Best of luck to you :)
Tennisbaby111 2 / 10  
Jan 22, 2012   #3
I think its a good essay all in all. However its a little bit choppy and lacks flow. You need to throw some transtion words at the beginning or end of the paragraphs to make your essay flow better. Also a little more details and more emotion in it. I cant really feel what kind of person you are from this essay and that's what the admissions need to see. Its feels a little rushed without the details. But you have a good start. Just go into details on more stuff and put some transition words in it. I like the beginning of the last paragraph when your talking about how you got your passion for business. Apply that to the rest of the essay. But also in the last paragraph, you dont need to tell them your GPA and other achivements. They already know that.
OP speedoflight25 1 / 7  
Jan 22, 2012   #4
Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I tend to do that a lot. I'll definitely go through it now, and make some adjustments. The CommonApp says the essay should be at minimum 250 words, but they don't give a maximum. I assume it would be bad to write an essay that is really long, which is why I've tried to keep it as short as I can. I'll check out those links you provided as well :) Thanks again!

Any other feedback guys/gals ?
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Jan 23, 2012   #5
Hi :) Nice job with your editing, you must be working hard on this.
I will look it over for you again.

(Name of City) was my home, where I grew up, where all my friends were, and the thought of leaving all of that was behind was difficult to come to grips with, to say the least.accept.

... I was part of UBUNTU, a club that partnered members with pen pals in Africa.
I would make this notion its own sentence- it is very interesting

It was a challenge balancing academics and competitive hockey, but it was a challenge I always tackled adamantly.
You could say: Balancing academics and competitive hockey was a challenge, which I tackled adamantly.

Unfortunately, after relocating to the United States, the majority of my junior and senior years were spent coping with the relocation, and it soon became apparent to me that I was suffering from depression.

You state this perfectly.

While I had found a few friends in my new high school, I often found it difficult to let go of my past, and would constantlyreminisce about my childhood.memories in my head.

I had always been computer savvy, and figured that I should leverage my skills and combine my computer skills and business mentality.
This sentence sounds funny... "leverage my skills" should be removed/replaced to make this sentence better- but you make a very good point!

I joined a number of popular internet marketing forums and spent countless months reading and reading, educating myself on various online business models and how they could be monetized. In the end, I decided focus on building niche websites, which would be monetized with Google Adsense. This model allowed me to practice both my marketing skills, as well as my entrepreneurship skills, while keeping me occupied with something I enjoyed.

Wow! Awesome! The is the "essence" of your essay!

I now alsoknow first hand that life is full of hardships, and it is how we deal with those hardships that determines whether they will turn out to be negative or positive experiences.

Your conclusion is impressive! Nice essay :) Good luck in school
Tennisbaby111 2 / 10  
Jan 24, 2012   #6
I think your essay is just about prefect. The only thing is you should shorten or merge the 2nd paragraph when you get to the part about the UBUNTU. Its kinda going off topic. It's good info to include but try shortened it. Also merge the 2nd and 3rd together. But besides that I think you have a greate essay here. Good luck!!!:)
byeung1489 4 / 10  
Jan 24, 2012   #7
You should NEVER mention your gpa in the paper because it makes you sound like you know you have good grade so let me in.

STUDY PERSONAL but meaningful.
OP speedoflight25 1 / 7  
Jan 24, 2012   #8
Thank you! You're right. I just read my whole essay, and that part really does take it off topic. Appreciate the suggestions.

You should NEVER mention your gpa in the paper because it makes you sound like you know you have good grade so let me in.
STUDY PERSONAL but meaningful.

Yeah, you're right. Thanks. I wrote it in my original essay, but another member here told me to take that out. If you see my most recent version of my essay, I took out the GPA part :)


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