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My passion to learn. Transfer Essay / Personal Statement for Mechanical Engineering Transfer

mlm428 1 / 1  
Mar 9, 2019   #1
Hello Everyone -

This is my first post here on EssayForum, and from my research I am excited for the potential positive, or negative, feedback that I may receive. I am look to transfer this upcoming fall and this is a rough draft of the essay that I am looking to submit. My question to the forum would be, do you feel as though I have demonstrated my new found passion and willingness to learn? I want to also communicate that I am hard working and I am excited for what my future holds in this field.

What are your biggest take aways from reading this?

Thanks so much!!

Discovering the Unknown

Ever since I was young, I have been curious, intrigued, by the unknown. Growing up, I dreamed of one day be able to create something. To work hands on with something that would make a difference. However, I never knew what that was or how I would get there.

Throughout high school I knew that I wanted to make a difference. Because of this, I had thought that I wanted to become a police officer. I assumed that if I studied criminal justice and went on to join a department, that I would be able to make a difference. And so I applied to CCRI, RIC, and of course URI. All but one school, URI, accepted me. Looking back, I can now see the lack of passion for what I wanted to do. And because of that, I believe that not being accepted into URI was one of the best things that could of happened to me. It forced me to reconsider my decisions up until that point. I began to wonder, what should I really be pursuing and what is my true passion.

This thought of, what is my passion, has been a question that I reflect upon very often. It is not easy, nor should it be, for one to discover what they truly love. Unfortunately for me, it was staring right at me my entire life. Since I was young and could use tools, up until now having access to my own shop, I have loved to work on things. I have always enjoyed fixing things, and understanding how things work. Within my shop I spend hours upon hours fixing engines, fixing cars, fixing motorcycles, woodworking, and learning. Not everyone reads schematics and blueprints for fun, nor do they read entire books on different designs of bridges, buildings, and airplanes. To me, this is what i enjoy, and this is my passion.

The pivotal moment in my life, and for my career has been the opportunity to join the Tiffany & Company manufacturing facility located in Cumberland, Rhode Island. In my initial position I was exposed to CNC machines, or Computer Numerically Controlled machines. Along with this, the exposure to the engineering team demonstrated the type of opportunities there are within the engineering realm. Up until this point, I did not know how to correlate my passion to a career. Since having the exposure to the manufacturing facility and the team of excellent engineers, I have been able to propel my passion even further than what it originally was. Now, not only do I still want to create and understand components, I now want to understand the machines and processes that make those components and systems real. Through this exposure to manufacturing and manufacturing technology, I have been able to identify what career will allow me to pursue my passion. I now plan to become a mechanical engineer, and specialize in manufacturing technologies and processes. Eventually I would like to use my experience and knowledge to become a systems engineer. I believe that this path best correlates with my passion, and would provide the best opportunity for my to fulfill my dream.

Over my time at CCRI, I have had the opportunity to work with some inspiring professors that have guided me along my current path. I have enjoyed my time at CCRI and I appreciate all those that have assisted me in my quest. I have completed my course program with great success and I ready for the next chapter in my life. I will of course miss CCRI as it is were I found my passion; however, I am excited as to where this stepping stone will take me next.

From my research on where to continue my education, I believe that within Rhode Island, no other school can provide the level of rigorous curriculum, and opportunities to learn and grow than what that of what URI can provide. For this, I am submitting my application to be apart of the 2019 fall transfer class. I would like the opportunity to prove to my future professors at URI, that I can live up to, if not exceed their expectations. I would be honored to be a URI Engineering student, and I can promise you that I will work to the best of my ability to demonstrate my passion to learn.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,801 4780  
Mar 10, 2019   #2
Matthew, the essay will be better served if you start with the second paragraph. It helps move the essay forward immediately as opposed to having the reviewer read through unrelated information in the first paragraph. He isn't really interested in your childhood musings. He wants to know exactly why you want to transfer schools and change majors at this point. Rather than saying that you have been able to use tools since you were young, edit that reference to instead indicate that "I have always had a talent for using tools.", age reference not required since that only complicates the presentation.

I am convinced about your passion but not convinced about your passion to transfer to URI. The statement about the university is so generalized you could replace URI with any university name and it would still suit the presentation. That is how non-effective that presentation is. Try to build up the way that your interest in URI was developed and what makes URI (program and curriculum wise) the best option for you.
OP mlm428 1 / 1  
Mar 10, 2019   #3
Hello Holt,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my essay. I have incorporated your suggestions and it has given me a different perspective on how I should attack this essay.

As for your second paragraph on my passion to transfer, I have the opportunity to submit two essays, one being a personal statement, and the second being a "Why are you interested in transferring the URI". I was going to write a separate essay on this topic, which would be more in depth as to my reasoning. In this essay however, my personal statement, would it still be appropriate for me to further include additional information as to why I want to transfer. Perhaps add a few key points from the other essay?

I appreciate the input and your feedback.

Thank you,
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,801 4780  
Mar 11, 2019   #4
It would be better if you remove the reference to URI in the personal statement since it has a specific prompt for this discussion. Focus your personal essay instead on the reasons why you decided to switch majors. It is better to not confuse the reviewer because the focal point of the discussion has specific instructions. Adding key points from the other essay into the personal essay will not help move your presentation forward. There is no need to add topics that have other essay allotments indicated in the application. Focus on developing your interest presentation and reasons for transfer instead. That will create a more informative and targeted essay presentation that better aligns with the prompt. The personal statement is actually meant for the discussion that describes the development of your interest, with only a slight touch on the university reason. So avoiding the university discussion, in this instance, will actually help your information presentation.

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