Hello! This is my second personal statement for the UC application. It took me a reaaaally long time to do because I had to write it all out and edit it to get the word count down to 425, to make the total word count equal to 1000. Phew!
Feedback, critique, and corrections are greatly appreciated. :) Thanks!
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
During the first semesters of both AP Biology and AP Environmental Science, I had the honor of participating in the Marine Science Discovery Program (MSDP), a life-changing educational experience conducted by the Marine Mammal Center that opened my eyes to the beauty of the oceans, the breathtaking abundance of life it harbors, and the harmful effects humans have on that life. From conducting a beach cleanup, to having the chance to see marine mammals devastatingly affected by plastic pollution, this program greatly influenced my newfound passion for environmental awareness.
Perhaps the most valuable theme this program brought to my attention was the effects of plastic pollution on the Earth. Having always been an environmentally friendly individual, it was shocking to see, first hand, the devastating results that the inappropriate disposal of plastics has on Earth's fragile oceans. One result in particular, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, made me sick to my stomach. In this gargantuan floating dump lies an accumulation of plastic particles that release toxic chemicals into the surrounding waters and that unsuspecting marine life mistakes for food. The idea that we humans are destroying the oceans, the part of the Earth that sustains all life, enraged me and therefore prompted me to raise awareness within my community.
I, with a group ecologically savvy teachers and students at my high school, teamed up with the local recycling center to create a program that both raised money for the school and raised awareness for the importance of recycling. An enormous mustard-yellow dumpster was hauled into the school courtyard and it was announced to the entire student body that if the dumpster were to be filled with appropriate recyclable material, the school would receive thousands of dollars in grants from the recycling center for its efforts. Because of relentless campaigning and the unity of the school towards one ultimate goal, the dumpster was filled, the prize money was earned, and every student gained a new environmental appreciation that they otherwise never would have acquired.
If it were not for the inspiration I garnered from my experience with the Marine Science Discovery Program, I never would have been made aware of the reality of plastic pollution and the many negative impacts it has on the Earth's irreplaceable oceans. I am overwhelmingly proud to say that I was part of a group that initiated the altruistic crusade towards proper recycling at my high school and I hope that this effort had as great of an impact on the student body as the MSDP had on me.
Great essay!
However I suggest that you should not get too comma happy.
For example:
From conducting a beach cleanup, (take out the comma) to having the chance to see marine mammals devastatingly affected by plastic pollution, this program greatly influenced my newfound passion for environmental awareness.
But that's just my opinion. Hope you can help with my essay! :)
