Hi,I'm currently working on my response for the UIUC application essay. Any help on content and grammar will be greatly appreciated.
P.S I'm not sure if the opening is appropriate for this type of essay prompt. Is it too descriptive?
Choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it. (300 words)
Playing in a hockey match is an unforgettable experience. The electrifying atmosphere in the stadium would send my heart racing the moment I stepped onto the pitch. Adrenaline would flood my body as I ran around receiving passes, tackling my opponents and working with my teammates to form one cohesive unit. Whenever we scored a goal, the roar of the crowd was like music to my ears. Nothing could beat this extraordinary feeling which, together with the strong sense of camaraderie with my teammates, has kept me playing hockey.
Initially, it was the novelty of the sport that attracted me. The cane-shaped hockey sticks and the synthetic pitch caught my attention. As I have not been exposed to hockey before, I was curious about how it was played and decided to take it up as my extra-curricular activity in junior college. Despite the tough trainings and the tight competition schedules, I did not regret my decision.
Through playing hockey, I learnt that for a team to perform well, esprit de corps was of utmost importance. In order to maintain a high morale, there must be communication between teammates and compromises must be made so as to minimize conflicts. The pressure to perform and play my best during matches not only boosted my mental strength and self-confidence, but also taught me to be responsible for my role in the team and to carry my own weight so that I would let my teammates down. I also learnt to respect every individual's contribution as only when everyone is playing at their best can the team be more than a sum of its parts. Hockey taught me to be a better team player; a lesson which could not be learned in a classroom setting.
Decent essay. Descriptive and specific enough, and very much on-prompt. Do you plan on continuing with hockey at university? If so, you might mention this near the end of your essay. If not, can you relate what you learned about being a team player to your proposed area of study?
"As I had not been exposed to hockey before,"
"I have not regretted my decision"
I think the first paragraph is fine. The narrative style draws the reader in and it does relate to the prompt (the feeling you get on the ice = why you continued with it) even if you don't explicitly state so.
As I havehad not been exposed to hockey before, I was curious about how it was played and decided to take it up as my extra-curricular activity in junior college.
