"had no passion for learning, let alone listening" - Common App Short Answer

During my community service I was thrown into the heart of the city of Hartford. I was placed in Burr School, which is a rough local elementary school. The students there were raised in a tough environment and had no passion for learning, let alone listening. I went and helped these students during their after school program. I was to make sure that they got their homework done before they went home because they refuse to do schoolwork when they're not at school. I was successful in completing this task. Other high school students that were also assigned to this community service were not up to that challenge of really pushing these kids to want to learn, and to want to succeed. I feel that the reason why I got them to actually behave like students was due to my high spirit and enthusiasm. I believe that those students saw me as a role model. The way they looked up to me gave me a priceless heartwarming feeling.

This is for Merrimack College.

Need help to shorten it.

Hey!
The essay is good but I think it would help you to show more compassion towards the students you were helping. I feel like this might be coming off a little harsh towards them and that is probably not your goal. Perhaps you could talk a little more about connections made with the kids. I know that you are tying to shorten it and this is probably not helping haha but I think it may improve your essay. :)

You should explain how you were able to get the students to do their homework

Whenever you use two adjectives in a row, use a comma:
The way they looked up to me gave me a priceless , heartwarming feeling.

Hey, this essay gives the reader a heartwarming feeling, too!

I was to make sure that they got their completed their homework done before they went home because they refused to do schoolwork when they're they were not at school.

You explained your experience very well, and the kids are lucky they had your influence.

:-)