My passion for Public Speech; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY

I will appreciate your help and help back:)

Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

In the summer of 2016,driving on the Golden Gate Bridge, humming my favorite song "When You Believe", watching a stunningly beautiful sunrise through the car window, I am exuberant. I'm going to make a speech for TED①-not as a scientist introducing a 3D-printed jumbo jet or an economist explaining the secret of the financial crisis, but as an inspiring public speaker. I've given speeches about race, gay and gender equality all over the world in hopes that I can illuminate my audiences to value equality for all and inspire them to take positive action for the betterment of humanity.

Of all the images that I've imagined, these stand out as experiences that I most want to have. These images converge and remind me of the first time I had to give an important public speech: it was also sunny, and the warm sunshine shone through the classroom window sending brilliant sunbeams to the ground. Sitting restlessly, I was waiting to report on the spectacular Tides of the Qiantang River. I had never given a formal speech in such a public forum, let alone one attended by many prestigious teachers from all over China. I was announced: "Let's see what our young reporter has brought back to tell us." I struggled to preserve my composure as I walked to take the microphone.

As I talked about the different phases of the Tides, I looked out on the attentive crowd. I knew they were picturing the grand scenery with my words as their guide. From their facial expressions-smiles, nods, a few heads tilted to the side-I could see they were enthralled by the grandeur of nature as I was presenting it, as if I were painting the landscape right in front of them. At that moment, I fell in love with public speaking as an art form-I became an oratorical painter, an artist.

Soon though, I began to understand the power of public speaking and how it could be used for good. Once, in a municipal speech contest, I was showing Kevin Carter's iconic photograph of a skinny Sudanese girl curled up in the dirt, dying of severe malnutrition and starvation, with the foreboding and hungry vulture staring from the background. I called my audience to ponder whether it was reasonable to be discontent with our own lives when half of the global population lives much worse, to complain and be so selfish, ignoring the plight of others around us. After, I saw in the eyes of those before me a kindling of understanding, inspiration and hope for a better future. It was a tremendously important experience for me.

Giving public speeches has become a vital part of my life, like the blood flowing in my veins. I've since competed in countless speech contests and obtained numerous awards, however what has made me most proud are not the honors; seeing people respond to my speeches with love and gratitude, with initiative, with raising money to help Sudanese children-this is what makes me proud and inspires me to keep on.

Great essay. Very imagery and descriptive. There are only a few grammar points that I can comment on.


This part is confusing, you may want to try to rephrase it.


Shouldn't it be Afterwards or After that?


There should be a semicolon before however


I think it should be changed to these are
And by the way, a great dream that you have. And you have shown the adcom that you have worked passionately to achieve this goal too. I wish you the best of luck with your college application!

thank you so much and i will help back!:)

Well .... I have a concern as to whether you answered this prompt properly. I find this is not exactly describing something that is central to who you are.