Peking University Model United Nations - Brown "Intellectual experience" MUN

Hi All! It's my first day to EF, and I am some what nervous to post my essay up. I am not native speaker and my essays will prove it ,LOL. Anyway, here's my essay draft:

Describe an intellectual experience you have and how it influenced or inspired you:

The moment I stepped into the conference hall I saw the navy blue curtain, the dark red carpet, the same yet different group of high school students. I didn't know what to do. It was my first year at Peking University Model United Nations, a place for elite Chinese students to discuss global issues, and I was assigned to World Heritage Conference.

March 7, 2008 - day 1
Our (Peru, Cuba, Chile) heritage Qhapac Nan-the Main Andean Road was in the second day. Today we were to be experts down stage and examine other attractions.

The first attraction is the Alexandria, an ancient ruins of the Roman Empire. As nervous and lost as I was, they failed unfortunately with 3 approvals and 15 opposes.

Q&A sections came, I struggled to do something. I wrote down my question on a piece of paper, and shivered as I forced out my first question. Even with the notes, some of my words didn't come out the way I wanted. After all, I was tried.

March 8, 2008 - day 2
Our presentation went well, followed with Q&A. Representatives from around the world came rushing to us with sensitive questions. The communication and cooperation issues are the center of attention in the joint declaration of six countries. After yesterday's experience, I was more comfortable making statements and answer questions. Soon, I wished I had two more mouths on my five feet three body to explain our points.

Finally when a representative said in formal debate, that "I think its universal aethetic and historical value should be recognized and inscribed", I was relieved.

March 9, 2008 - day 3
I was ironically "honored" "the most fastidious expert" in addition to "Best Delegate". Unconsciously I had infiltrated into the core of MUN: I began to believe in myself, to stick on to my judgements for the sake of professionalism, justice and humanity.

Madagascar performed Peking Opera; Egypt sang Auld Lang Syne. We were in suits holding a solemn nation sign, but at the same time a group of sincere and vulnerable students. I can now use a note of three words to make a speech of ninety seconds; I can listen and process questions, construct answers and talk at the same time with confidence. I realize how powerful it is to gather a group of students of passion and acumen. I am proud that we set aside political struggles and national interest for a common purpose. I am glad that I am one of them. I am more confident and more humble. I am more sharp in discussions and more open to opinions.

Standing on the stage, I witnessed a girl came all the way here, and would watch her go on.

Thanks for your help!

Some suggestions :
Today we were to be experts down stage and examine other attractions. ( Not really sure what you mean here, perhaps try to be a bit clearer? )

After all, I was tried tired.

Standing on the stage, I witnessed a girl came come all the way here, and would watch her go on.

Here is a great opportunity to give you and anyone else who reads this a useful writing tip. Get rid of that.
Finally when a representative said in formal debate, that "I think its universal ...
See what I mean? Kevin said that , "It is often good to get rid of the word that."

Soon, I wished I had two more mouths on my five feet three body to explain our points.----- too much detail, confusing.

Finally when a representative said in formal debate, that "I think its universal aesthetic and historical value should be recognized and inscribed", I was relieved.

judgements judgments

Can you find another way to type this last sentence? I'm not sure what to do with it!
Standing on the stage, I witnessed a girl came all the way here, and would watch her go on.

:-) I'm glad you joined EF!!