One of the core values of Villanova, as an Augustinian university founded on the teachings of St. Augustine, is that students and faculty learn from each other. As you imagine yourself as a member of the Villanova community, what is one lesson that you have learned in your life that you will want to share with others?
I also used this essay for Brown University (I added a little bit); is this essay appropriate for the prompt?
I grew up critiquing myself. My nose was too big and often ruined pictures. I was too short and my stomach was never flat enough, especially compared to the models gracing the pages of magazines and the Jennifer Aniston look-a-likes walking down the streets of Manhattan. I desperately wanted to be blonde, blue eyed and fair skinned, and in many of my daydreams, I replaced my brown eyes, black hair and olive skin with the traits I desired. I never knew where these insecurities came from, but I was never good enough and thought I would be happier if I could "fix myself."
One day, my mother saw me peering into the mirror in my room. "You're beautiful, Kimmy, and you're getting more gorgeous as the days go by," she said proudly as she stroked my hair.
I scoffed, saying, "You're my mother, you would never tell me the truth. My hair is curly and never wants to behave," and I continued, listing all my perceived faults.
My mother looked at me in the mirror. "Do you not see your beauty? There isn't one type of beautiful, you know. People pay to get curly hair like yours; how boring would it be if everyone had straight hair? And your nose is perfect; it compliments your big, brown eyes and long eyelashes. Anything else would not have made you as beautiful as you are."
I smiled at my mom and shook my head, but thanked her. She gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, "You are perfect just the way you are." She left my room and I once again examined my face in the mirror. Maybe things were not as bad as they seemed. My mom was right; I had always liked my eyes. And my nose did not seem so big when I considered my entire face. I always had the option to straight my dark, curly hair and it served as the perfect frame for my face. The olive skin I hated allowed me to make quick trips outside without having to worry about getting sunburned, and the color was a perfect complement to many of the colors I loved to wear.
That moment I had with my mother forever changed the outlook I had of myself, as well as of the world around me. Instead of immediately considering the negatives of things, I learned to appreciate the differences I saw and the diversity they provided. The bugs I used to scream and run from became the small creatures that served as the base of the entire environment with the most intricate features I had ever seen. The rainy day I once loathed because it did not allow me to play outside became the much needed break from the heat and made my street a free water park. I was finally able to look into the mirror and be pleased with what I saw, instead of always wishing for what I did not have.
When I come to Villanova, I hope to be able to share with everything the beauty I see around me. This experience taught me that beauty is held in the eye of the beholder, and there are not just a select few characteristics that are considered attractive.
its an interesting read, and fairly well written.
I grew up critiquing myself. My nose was too big and often ruined pictures. I was too short and my stomach was never flat enough, especially compared to the models gracing the pages of magazines and the Jennifer Aniston look-a-likes walking down the streets of Manhattan.
^i would not suggest starting off with the first sentence, because it gives away what the whole essay is going to be about. You could potentially lose reader interest.
id suggest starting off with
I desperately wanted to be blonde, blue eyed and fair skinned, and in many of my daydreams, I replaced my brown eyes, black hair and olive skin with the traits I desired. I never knew where these insecurities came from, but I was never good enough and thought I would be happier if I could "fix myself."
^Remnove the 'insecure' sentence completely and replace it with the Jenn Aniston one. i think, in that way, youve got a more interesting and powerful introductory paragraph.
Your ending is very cliched unfortunately. Also, appreciating buglife and realizing a much needed break does not support the concept of 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.
would you suggest I completely get rid of the last para? thats the para i added on.
and thanks a lot for taking the time to read and edit!
i would not say 'remove it', as much as id suggest that you 'improve it'.
A conclusion can help. An effective conclusion can help a lot.
Add more personal stories in the last paragraph that show the real you more. Like: "The ugly armchair in my living room that I hated now had character and history. I appreciated the comfort and support it gave me.. blah blah blah. Lame example, but little quirky stories that show the real you! Oh, I also found the ending to be a bit cliche.
Other than that, I liked the essay! I can relate and feel the same way sometimes, so it was nice to hear your opinion on it.
Good luck! I'm applying to Villanova as well, could you please read my essay? Thanks so much!
the beginning of your essay is very catchy, which is good. You might want to expand more on your conclusion like the previous comments says. Ask yourself questions like Who, What, Where, When, How, and Why. Also the prompt asks what will you share. that's the main idea. emphasize on that part a bit more. but overall, you're essay seems quite effective.
As I read your essay I noticed you said
When I come to Villanova
. You should definitely scrap that; you don't wan't to appear overconfident! BTW i hope you have reworked the last paragraph;like everyone said,its too cliche. Overall, your idea's great;i hope this isn't too late!
Too long, some sentences can overextend the reader's brain:
I was too short, and my stomach was never flat enough -- especially compared to the models gracing the pages of magazines and the Jennifer Aniston look-a-likes walking down the streets of Manhattan.
Hey, I like it! Near the middle, I started thinking it was going to be a self-indulgent essay by someone preoccupied with looks and pretending to have goten over the preoccupation... but you made your point so eloquently near the end!
I think it would change the essay for the beter if you got rid of this part, but I don't know why:
...truth," My hair is curly and never wants to behave," and I...
:-)
