Topic: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I am preparing myself for a personal statement for the University of California application.
Here is what I wrote so far and need helping with how to end this:
Many people in this world are suffering from permanent disabilities. This is how my life became- I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. A few months later I was ordered by my doctor to wear a pair of hearing aids, something that did not seem very appealing to me. When I was 5 years of age, I wore hearing aids every day to school and did not feel very happy.
During the first year of elementary school I had trouble with communication even with the help of hearing aids. I hated wearing them and always felt isolated. On the second year of elementary school, my doctor introduced me to a wireless device that works together with hearing aids, a receiver. The receiver helped me improve a lot with communication because I was able to hear every word spoken to the microphone. It was not until then that I began to appreciate the world of technology. The looks of hearing aids did not bother me anymore, but technology bothered me a lot. I began gaining interest in technology and how it works. I even performed a few simple projects involving electricity.
When I got to high school, I chose my dream career of electrical engineering with the thought of improving hearing aids.
How do you think this statement answers the question?
A few notes:
My doctor was impressed with my communication skills
My teachers were happy about me
Engineering courses at high school involved communicating a lot.
I added a little bit of ending:
Many people in this world are suffering from permanent disabilities. This is how my life became- I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. A few months later I was ordered by my doctor to wear a pair of hearing aids, something that did not seem very appealing to me. When I was 5 years of age, I wore hearing aids every day to school and did not feel very happy.
During the first year of elementary school I had trouble with communication even with the help of hearing aids. I hated wearing them and always felt isolated. On the second year of elementary school, my doctor introduced me to a wireless device that works together with hearing aids, a receiver. The receiver helped me improve a lot with communication because I was able to hear every word spoken to the microphone. It was not until then that I began to appreciate the world of technology. The looks of hearing aids did not bother me anymore, but technology bothered me a lot. I began gaining interest in technology and how it works. I even performed a few simple projects involving electricity.
When I got to high school, I chose my dream career of electrical engineering with the thought of improving hearing aids as a future career goal. Engineering courses in high school required a high level of communication and I was able to cope with the help of advanced digital hearing aids. Other students seemed shocked and my teachers were impressed with my skill level of communication. It is something I now love to do.
Ultimately, the world that I come from shaped me with a feeling of advancing technology a step further. This is something that blends with good communication skills that I got because of technology itself. It is because of the need for hearing aids ever since I lost my hearing that I appreciate technology and want to dedicate myself into electrical engineering.
To me it does not seem to sound right. It sounds more like a story than a description of my world so I posted here to ask how this answers the question.
Maybe I can add details and describe things in this same exact story that I wrote that make it answer the question and make it sound descriptive.
Or should I start again from scratch?
I am not the best with vocabulary and sensory details, so it may be a little difficult for me.
I think you can do some more showing than telling. I feel like you've been telling me facts about you, like being hearing-impaired and how you want to improve the hearing-aids by studying electrical engineering. My brother has the same exact story, lol. He has been deaf since the age of three and he majored in electrical engineering and recently graduated at NYU-Poly Graduate School (I think he studied bioengineering or something like that).
So this is actually not a story at all, it's just a summary of the past. Maybe you can start with an anecdote and try to draw readers' attention first.
P.S. Sorry if I sound insensitive... :/ I sincerely do not mean to offend you.
I must agree.
But how can I do more showing than telling?
This essay could be really strong but I agree with the others, instead of explaining the circumstances, you can start off with an anecdote of when you first wore the device, how you felt, its impact on you, etc. Then from explaining how you felt you can say that it impacted you so much that it triggered an interest in you to go into electrical engineering. Just a suggestion!
Goodluck!
Edited first paragraph:
"My life changed because of one thing - I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. My world changed. My personality was full of screaming so that I could hear myself. My mother always got mad at me and for almost no reason at all. I was drawn to a crazy world, a world of silence. But even this happened for a reason, a reason for me to feel joyful."
"My personality was screaming so that I could hear myself."
Also I don't understand how you transitioned from that ^ to anything about your mother.
Everything after that was powerful, and perhaps you can mention your deafness after the last sentence, so there is a sense of suspense at the beginning, and resolved at the end, but still attracting the readers' attention.
:)
I don't know what exactly you are suggesting there.
"My life changed because of one thing - I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. My world changed. My personality was full of screaming so that I could hear myself. I was drawn to a crazy world, a world of silence. But even this happened for a reason, a reason for me to feel joyful."
I removed "My mother part" to keep the focus on my self.
I think I should replace personality with another word. Like I said I don't have the best vocabulary skills. To actually describe well, good vocabulary is needed. That's how I think at least. I always feel like I'm missing something or it does not sound right.
Replace personality with character?
I will be happy if you can reply often right now because my essay is due tomorrow for English class where we are practicing and this one is supposed to be final.
Edited:
"My life changed because of one thing - I was born perfect, but at the age of 4 I lost my hearing. My world changed. My character was full of screaming so that I could hear myself. I was drawn to a crazy world, a world of silence. I felt as if I was the only person born. Life was boring and the world seemed pointless. But there was one thing in this world that I lacked, something that even now remains to bring pleasure to my world."
From there I plan on writing the story and include details in it.
I think I should do it that way because it's gonna keep ones attention in that they will want to try to figure out what I lacked.
I decided not to post my final copy on here. I feel like it should not be given to the public because I will want to use it for my UC application.
I will be happy to send you an email if you give me your email address.
Thanks for all the help!