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'my personality on a hanger' - Note To Roomate

mansam12 1 / -  
Oct 30, 2011   #1
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

As soon as you step into my closet, you are bound to see an array of colorful shoes, shirts, and jeans. I am thorough in choosing which colored shoe might go well with a certain colored shirt. Why is this so? Well, this is the way I like to dress. Since middle school, I have always enjoyed color-coordinating my clothing so that they match even to the smallest detail. That detail might be the color of my watch or the laces on my shoes. And if there is a special event coming up, I am most certainly going to dress to the best of my ability not only because of the upcoming event but because that's the way I am. Just about every school morning I take time in selecting the clothes I plan to wear and I make sure the colors complement each other if not directly match one another. I am an individual who likes to set a good first impression on people. This way, the next time they see me, they become inquisitive in knowing more about my persona. Interestingly, this past summer I went to an engineering camp in Terre Haute, Indiana and after I left, it seemed as if everyone there remembered me by the way I dressed. That was a nice little thing to know. My detailed, meticulous personality reflects through my clothing ranging from my bright turquoise shoes to my khaki jeans to my "Dallas Mavericks" hat. So if you were to take a look into my closet, what you are really looking at is my personality on a hanger.

Grammatical Errors?
What do you think?

Thanks in advance!

sonya15 4 / 29  
Oct 30, 2011   #2
This makes you seem a bit shallow and presumptuous. I think you need to focus on WHY you dress so meticulously. Talk about how it relates to other aspects of your life as well.

When I started reading this, I thought ok, this essay will soon talk about how dressing well relates to the person's life. But, it doesn't do that at all. No offense, but if I was reading this, I wouldn't be impressed because it doesn't come full circle.

I know this was super critical, but I really do like your style of writing. Just take the above comments into consideration, and I think it'll be great!

Will you read mine please?

Thanks, and good luck with Stanford :)
desm2012 6 / 36  
Oct 30, 2011   #3
I agree with Sonya15. I'm not really sure what the point of this essay is, other than that appearance is very important to you. The only "why" you put into this essay is "I am an individual who likes to set a good first impression on people. This way, the next time they see me, they become inquisitive in knowing more about my persona." These sentences tell more than show.

Also, you should work on varying your language. You use the word "color" 6x and the word "detail" 3x.
breakingRenee 5 / 11  
Nov 13, 2011   #4
I did like the essay however I felt as if it was missing a second paragraph maybe one that goes more in depth of your personality maybe one that states why you dress that way so you present a good image of your personality

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