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A pharmacologist - "Describing aspirations" Essay



Aizeng 1 / 2  
Feb 16, 2010   #1
I'm a horrible writer, but i been trying to improve it. This below is an essay i need help with, so with all of your kindness please help me edit this. Thank you, wish u all the best. =D

The title is: with 250 words or less, describe aspirations.

Aspirations, everybody at least in some point of their life have an aspiration. It could be something as small as getting a job, or as big as walking on the moon. To me aspirations are the things that keep me moving, and the one that stand out the most is my desire to become a Pharmacist. Growing up in a rather below middle class family, life wasn't as easy as it would appears to be. Most of the time, I can't even see my parents for a long period of time because they were elsewhere looking for jobs and ways to make money. What got into me and stronger my desire to become a Pharmacist is that no matter how hard my parents worked they never had enough money to go to a doctor or buy medicines that can cure them when there are sick. That along is one of my biggest motivations because being a pharmacologist is a way for me to support the family, not just put foods on the table but put their only dream, and myself, comes to life. Also with a career in hand, I could go back and help improves the world where I came from, so that people wouldn't have to lay around and wait for death to come because financially medical care wasn't suitable for them. Over all, with a short essay like this, describing my aspirations is somewhat impossible to do, but the above is one of many goals I have in life. Even though it's a typical aspiration, but with all the helps and supportive I'm getting, this dream will come true, and it will reshape the way people lives.

tiger31twin 4 / 7  
Feb 16, 2010   #2
At first you are talking about everyone and then you start talking only about yourself. If you are supposed to only talk to yourself then you should probably stick with it. You should also make sure you are using the right verb tense.alongalone . foodsfood . After table put a comma.This sentence is awkward "but put their only dream, and myself, comes to life".
erinhcho 6 / 17  
Feb 16, 2010   #3
I can't even see my parents for a long period of time because they were elsewhere looking for jobs and ways to make money.

can't and were?

What got into me and stronger my desire to become a Pharmacist is that no matter how hard my parents worked they never had enough money to go to a doctor or buy medicines that can cure them when there are sick

they are sick? they were sick?

also i agree with tiger31twin, you need to use the right verb tense

past? present? future?
OP Aizeng 1 / 2  
Feb 16, 2010   #4
Yeah I'm learning English so these things are killing me, and thanks for the help guys. Any more :D
erinhcho 6 / 17  
Feb 17, 2010   #5
same here, my native language is not korean
however, if you fix your grammar error, i think it will be a great essay! :)

--

oooops not english
my first language is korean lol
sorry!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Feb 17, 2010   #6
I have
You have
He has
She has
Everybody has
Aspirations -- everybody at least at some point of their life has an aspiration.

"at some point"
Everybody has...

...the one that stands out the most is my desire to become a Pharmacist.

What got into me and stronger strengthened my desire to become a Pharmacist was that, no matter how hard my parents worked, they never had enough money to go to a doctor or buy medicines that could cure them when there were sick. ---- this is a very good reason to want to have a good job as a pharmacist! I hope you achieve all your aspirations!!

You can say "even though" or "but" but not both:
Even though it's a typical aspiration, but with all the help and supportive I'm getting, this dream will come true, and it will reshape the way people live -- especially people in my family.
linmark 2 / 325  
Feb 18, 2010   #7
To me Aspirations are the things that keep me moving, and the one that stand out MOVES ME the most is my desire to become a Pharmacist. Growing up in a rather below LOWER middle class family, life wasn't as easy as it would appears to be.

HOW DOES REWORDING WORK FOR YOU?

That along ALONE is one of my biggest motivations because being a pharmacologist is a way for me to support the family, not just put foods on the table but put MAKE their only dream, and myself MINE AS WELL, comes to life. Also with a career in hand, I could go back and help improves the world
OP Aizeng 1 / 2  
Feb 18, 2010   #8
This is great guys =D and Thanks for all the helps <3 LOVE YOU ALL :P


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