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Philosophy represented by the three latin words - FSU Entrance Essay.



chelsealwayss 1 / 3  
Jul 21, 2009   #1
topic: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life

I feel like i have too many run on sentences. Also, my essay is a tad short. But i'm not really sure what to expand on.

The words "Vires, Artes, Mores" are three very powerful words. Each has significance and all have impacted my life. Though each word stands for something so unique to someone else, for me, "Vires" definitely triggers some strong emotions.

When I take a look back at my childhood years, it is so evident now that I was always presented with personal growth opportunities. When I was six, my parents divorced; my mom had to support my brother and me alone. I was constantly changing schools and being required to make new friends. Growing up without comfort or security had created this monstrous wave of negative self-worth. During my freshman year of high school, I developed an eating disorder. I went through "thick and thin" literally. I had difficult challenges with my peers, school work, and family relations. I had put my illness above everybody and everything. I continuously fought for my life. I gained back all my strength, and then some, by the beginning of my junior year. That was definitely a major obstacle, and I had to convince myself that I could get past it, physically and mentally. After I fully recovered, I thought nothing could get in my way. I felt invincible.

I have been at my current job for two and half years. I had started out as a bus-girl. Soon after showing my skills as a responsible and efficient employee, I was promoted to waitress. Talking in front of people and making light conversation with complete strangers seemed unthinkable, especially since I was fresh in recovery and still had some negative thoughts. I fought through the tears that came pouring out the first few mornings of my being on the floor, and now I'm more confident with the many things that I do. I'm not only an excellent waitress, but also talented in making anyone smile, which even my customers compliment me on, and that to me used to be an unrealistic statement.

I have recently made the decision to give up the all intended "senior year" to spend at the local community college because it was financially and educationally wise. These have molded me into the great person that I am today. My character is strong, determined, and willing; all of which will enable me to exceed at everything that I do.

The philosophy represented by those three words has personal meaning. I would make an excellent addition to your school. I won't forget to bring along my open-mindedness, my ability to reach for the impossible, and some Florida State Seminole pride.

llunachick2319 2 / 7  
Jul 21, 2009   #2
I think you would be able to add a lot of length and substance to this essay if you picked ONE aspect to focus on. You mention your battle with an eating disorder, your job, and your parents divorcing in a way that doesn't connect at all. You could make all three fit together, but you need to go about it the right way. For example, if the fact that your parents divorced (and all the complications that followed) had something to do with the eating disorder, explain that -- give your struggle some background. Then you can go on to explain the actual struggle that was your eating disorder, and how you managed to overcome it. After all of that, you can mention your job and how it serves as an example of how you've overcome your challenges and succeeded. Basically, just find your focus, then expand on it.

And just a couple notes:
For me, "Vires" is a strong word that definitely triggers emotions for me. -- it's redundant to say "for me" twice like that.

That definitely was a major obstacle -- switch 'definitely' and 'was'

Elaborate on your disorder, if you can - describing it with vague, cliche sentences like in the second paragraph won't do much for the strength of your essay.

and now I'm extremely more confident

and that to me use to be an unrealistic statement -- I think you mean "used to be"

I'm sorry if this sounds nitpicky - I just know you have a lot of strong material to write about with what you've gone through, so I'd love to see you make the most of it. :)
OP chelsealwayss 1 / 3  
Jul 21, 2009   #3
No, you're response is absolutely wonderful.
Hahaha. I figured my ideas were somewhat out of order. Thanks so much, you were a big help.
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Jul 21, 2009   #4
I am not just another kid writing "some essay." I would make an excellent addition to your school.

I'd cut that.

Like llunachick, I like the content of the essay -- especially the restaurant job and your struggles with an eating disorder -- but encourage you to organize it into a more coherent narrative.
OP chelsealwayss 1 / 3  
Jul 22, 2009   #5
Ok, thanks again for your inputs. I feel like i'm not that good at making a decent essay. Anywho, how about this for the first paragraph:

Ever since I was a child, I felt that I was always presented with personal growth opportunities. When I was six, my parents ended up divorcing; my mom had to support my brother and me alone. I was constantly changing schools and being required to make new friends. Growing up without comfort or security had created this monstrous wave of negative self worth. During my freshman year of high school, I had developed an eating disorder. I went through "thick and thin" literally. I had difficult challenges with my peers, school work, and family relations. I had put my illness above everybody and everything. I continuously fought for my life. I gained back all my strength, and then some, by the beginning of my junior year. That was definitely a major obstacle, and I had to convince myself that I could get past it, physically and mentally. After I fully recovered, I thought nothing could get in my way. I felt invincible.

And then i go on and talk about my job, and then the school thing, and then the conclusions.
And one last question, so in college essays, you shouldn't put things like, "a great addition to the school" etc?
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Jul 23, 2009   #6
Ever since I was a child, I felt that I was always presented with personal growth opportunities.

Really? When you were six you thought to yourself, "This is a personal growth opportunity for me"? I think not. This points up the importance of wording. What you mean to say is that you now realize that previous challenges, such as the one you describe when you were six, were also opportunities for personal growth.
jaredstabb 2 / 16  
Jul 23, 2009   #7
Justa suggestion. Really like the last sentence.

Florida State University just calls my name. The philosophy represented by those three words has personal meaning. I feel I would make an excellent addition to your school. I won't forget to bring along my open-mindedness, my ability to reach for the impossible, and some Florida State Seminole pride.
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Jul 25, 2009   #9
The words "Vires, Artes, Mores" are three very powerful words. Each has significance and all have impacted my life.

Hmm... Every student will be responding to the same prompt. What do you think the reader will think when reading these two sentences? "Wow! I want to read this one" Or, "Oh no, another boring essay"?

So, as Sean so often does, I'm going to suggest that you strike the first paragraph completely. For the rest of the essay, you need to use more concise phrasing and more active verbs.

For example:
When I take aL ooking back at my childhood years , it is so evident nowI can see that I was always presented with personal growth opportunities.
jaredstabb 2 / 16  
Aug 2, 2009   #10
I have recently made the decision to give up the all intended "senior year" to spend at the local community college because it was financially and educationally wise. These experiences and choices have molded me into the person that I am today. My character is strong, determined, and willing; all of which will enable me to exceed at anything that I endeavor to do.

The philosophy represented by those three words has personal meaning. I would make an excellent addition to your school. I won't forget to bring along my open-mindedness, my ability to reach for the impossible, and unwavering Florida State Seminole pride.

Just a few suggestions
tal105 7 / 128  
Aug 2, 2009   #11
i noticed that some of your sentences, well, a LOT at a time, are short sentences. when reading it sorta messes up the flow (for me at least) and i dont like it.

you may want to consider fixing it.

considering what you named your thread, im guessing you did it out of fear of having too many runons, but i really think you should either add to the sentences or combine them.

heres the sentences (one paragrah)

During my freshman year of high school, I developed an eating disorder. I went through "thick and thin" literally. I had difficult challenges with my peers, school work, and family relations. I had put my illness above everybody and everything. I continuously fought for my life. I gained back all my strength, and then some, by the beginning of my junior year.

AND: (next paragraph)
I have been at my current job for two and half years. I had started out as a bus-girl.

it just really bothered me because the flow was really nice and then these sentences REALLY disrupted it.

good luck!


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