I' prepared this short answer for college board,please help me to improve it
I think the most impressive extracurricular activity that I concluded is the one that I did during the summer of my 8th grade
In the heart of desert ,in an exceptional place circled by hills of sands where it was miles far from any city ,where it had an interesting weather in a summer night ,seven years ago
As anyone know desert nights are famous for their silence and beauty.desert is a place where you can lie down on soft sands and easily observe a lot of Constellations in the sky for hours and think about the sky's greatness desert's crop is dream.It's only thing that can grow well in desert.
this happened to me seven years ago in the desert of shahdad the night that I could observe clear sky from a new viewpoint and I could understand a little of its greatness
The night when I think about it ,I understand its greatness because in that night I finally came to understand :
What's the purpose of my life?
It is to study physics,to learn more about the magic sky above us.
This essay suffers from several grammatical errors. If I were to only revise these errors, I would rewrite the essay like this:
I think the most impressive extracurricular activity that I have concluded is one that I did during the summer of my 8th grade. In that summer I participated in a course in astronomy that was designed for 8th grade students. I participated there because I had a great interest to learn more about sky, ever since childhood. In the course, I learned a lot of new things such as astronomy's history, new things about solar system and stars, and so on.
The teacher introduced us to some useful books and I think dynamic astronomy was the best. I finished the book during the course and every day my interest in astronomy increased.
I can't deny that the course had a great effect of evolving my interest in astronomy, but I think the landmark event of the course was the time that I decided to go to a one-night trip to observe sky by telescope in the deserts of Shahdad. I think the instant that I decided to go on the trip is the most important moment of my life because that night I finally came to understand :
What's the purpose of my life?
It is to study physics, to learn more about the magic sky above us.
But apart from that I believe some major revisions must be made. The opening sentence seems unnecessary, and I think that you could open with a vivid description of the night you discovered the purpose of life. Also, I think you should do more showing, less telling in describing your experience. Some details, such as the kind of material you went over, the attitude of the teacher, etc. seem to be unexplored. Good luck on revising.
This is my opinion. Your short essay is kind of confusing and not organized.
maybe you can start the intro like this:
Everyone knows desert's nights are famous for their silence and beauty. Desert is a place where you can lie down on soft sands and observe skylight of Constellations.The desert in Shahdad is an exceptional place, circles by hills of sand, and rests far away from the busy city.
Many nights, I observed the sky from a new viewpoint and wondered about it's greatness. Then I came to realized: What's the purpose of my life? It is to study physics,to learn more about the magic sky above us.
and think about the sky's greatness desert's crop is dream.It's only thing that can grow well in desert. ( i don't understand this part. maybe reword it.)
I am agree with bobo4398 your essay was short and confusing but you can make it better.
when you said:(The night when I think about it ,I understand its greatness because in that night I finally came to understand :
What's the purpose of my life?)
I think you wanted to say :( that night while I was thinking about it I understood he purpose of my life. It is to study ....)
dear bobo4398 and thmn thank you for your opinion
please help me to improve this short answer for common app,I'd like to know your opinion about:
the idea of this short answer,do you think It's good or not?
I revised it as:
Everyone knows desert's nights are famous for their silence and beauty. Desert is a place where you can lie down on soft sands and observe skylight of Constellations for hours.The desert in Shahdad is an exceptional place, circles by hills of sand, and rests far away from the busy city.
seven years ago in a beautiful summer night in the heart of shahdad desert ,when I was at a one-night trip to observe sky with a group of my friends who were interested in astronomy,ever since childhood
I could observe sky from a new viewpoint and wondered about it's greatness.
Then I came to realized: What's the purpose of my life?
It is to study physics,to learn more about the magic sky above us.
You can just use desert as an adjective:
Everyone knows desert nights are famous for their ...
No need to capitalize: skylight of Constellations constellations for hours.
The desert in Shahdad is an exceptional place, circles by characterized by hills of sand, and it rests far away from the busy city.
Capitalize the first word of the sentence: Seven years ago in a ...
Capitalize the proper noun (i.e. the name of the desert): Shahdad Desert
:-)
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