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'My Pink Partner' Narration and Description for My auto pencil



Alyssa 3 / 6  
Oct 15, 2012   #1
Any advice is welcomed and appreciated. Grammar, sentence structure, coherence,etc.

My Pink Partner
Pentel Caplet 5.0 made from Japan could have been the most popular types of auto pencils when I was in junior high school. Its simple and well-shaped body won many students' hearts at that time because students didn't have to use pencil sharper any more. In the beginning of the semester, parents would take their children to a stationery store to buy the necessity for school. The first thing came into students mind was Caplet 5.0 and I was no exception. I chose the pink one like chose a magic wand in the novel Harry Potter.

The auto pencil is now outdated and dirty like a piece of old furniture. The lid covered the entire body looks like the misty glass. Even so, the body is hard as the reed stick. On the top of the shaft of auto pen labels three stickers. One of them is with my Chinese and Japanese name written on it. Name sticker was one of the famous stuffs during junior high school days. I used to have one thousand my name stickers at that time. The second sticker is similar to the third one. They are the mantras in Tibetan painted crookedly in red. The memory about how I got the mantras has faded away and I only remember they represent the meaning of "protect and support". Inside the shaft of auto pencil is lead which has circled the interior body dirty marks.

Though my pink partner is nearly antiquated to write with, it is still my best friend accompanying me to go through those tough study years. I think I will keep using this this auto pencil until it is no longer be used.

llin 4 / 6  
Oct 15, 2012   #2
Your attention getter doesn't get my excitement and if it didn't get mine, it probably won't get the attention of admission committees. Instead of telling us why everyone else picked it. Tell us about the time that YOU walked into the stationary store and WHY that pencil drew you in.

I believe that you could be much more vivid and lively in your word choice and voice. Don't describe the pencil's actual shape and functions as much where the pencil's actually been with you and in what ways has it impacted it.

Also, focus on grammar and ask an English teacher to look it over for you.
Good Luck.
OP Alyssa 3 / 6  
Oct 15, 2012   #3
But this essay's purpose is actually "describing a pencil" for its physical look.
And according to the grammar, could you please give some examples of my mistakes?
Thank you.
Delxysic 1 / 3  
Oct 15, 2012   #4
I did what I could. There still may be errors. Much of this writing is confusing about who/what you are referring to.


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