"A Place for All" - OSU prompt

The prompt for the osu admissions essay is why are you choosing Ohio State University. This is just rough draft of my essay, any comments are welcome, thanks!

Ever since I began attending Camp Fitch, a summer camp in Pennsylvania at the age of 11, I have loved the feeling of leaving home for a month and being independent, or as independent as any kid can be. For the past three years I have devoted my whole summer to being a counselor at Camp Fitch. This gave me a new found appreciation for being independent. It does not mean that my life has no limits and I can do what I want. It means that I get to decide what is best for me. As a junior in high school I thought long and hard about what school my parents and grandparents would want me to attend, and which one would impress my friends. However, after this past summer away from many of these influences I realized that I want to go where I am comfortable and where I see myself spending the next several years of my school career. That is why I am choosing Ohio State University.

For my entire life I have lived in the suburbs of Cleveland. I have grown up in a very conservative city. Being one of several Jewish students to attend Mentor High, a school of over 3000 students, I have never been very comfortable with the major difference in my lifestyle. However, after talking with many of friends of mine who now attend OSU, one of the most significant things I got from the conversations was how diverse it is. Not just in religious views but in career paths and social endeavors. This is exactly the environment I am looking for. Everybody looks for a place where they can fit in and I believe OSU can give me that safe haven. The ability to make someone feel connected to a place that houses 50,000 students is not an easy feat. If OSU can give me that then I believe there is nothing that can hold me back from achieving anything that I try.

Ever since I began attending Camp Fitch, a summer camp in Pennsylvania at the age of 11, I have loved the feeling of leaving home for a month every year? and being independent, or as independent as any kid can be. For the past three years I have devoted my whole summer to being a counselor at Camp Fitch. This gave me a newly found appreciation for being independent. It does not mean that my life has no limits and I can do whatever I want. It means that I get to decide what is best for me. As a junior in high school I thought long and hard about what school my parents and grandparents would want me to attend, and which one would impress my friends. However, after this past summer away from many of these influences I realized that I want to go where I am comfortable with and where I see myself spending the next several years of my school career. That is why I am choosing Ohio State University.

For my entire life I have lived in the suburbs of Cleveland. I have grown up in a very conservative city. Being one of several Jewish students to attend Mentor High, a school of over 3000 students, I have never been very comfortable with the major difference in my lifestyle. However, after talking with many of friends of mine who now attend are currently attending OSU, one of the most significant things I got from the conversations was how diverse it is. Not just in religious views but in career paths and social endeavors. This is exactly the environment I am looking for. Everybody looks for a place where they can fit in and I believe OSU can give me that safe haven. The ability to make someone feel connected to a place that houses 50,000 students is not an easy feat. If OSU can give me that then I believe there is nothing that can hold me back from achieving anything that I try.

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It is very well-written! But I don't see clearly the links between your independence and the reason you choose the school. Maybe you should emphasize more on finally you got to make the decision on your own because of your independence.

Okay thank you, I'm just having trouble fitting it into 300 words or less.