Hello, this is a highschool graduate from Korea. I wrote this essay, and I got acceptance letters from Michigan State University and Hope College.
I am now preparing for regular decision. I was thinking about using this essay again to some of the schools that I'll be applying. I was wondering if EssayForum's experienced members could help me in making my essay look more well-organized. Please comment on any grammar error, and please share your insights about how I should work more on my essay. Thanks a lot!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Bread
I want to be bread.
It was age thirteen. Mission trips to India and China have surely taught me the lesson of my lifetime and have firmly set my desire to live a sharing life. Seeing a myriad of children being abandoned in perilous condition, I was shocked and confused. I realized how meaningless my past complaints were and how blessed I was. Instead of stopping at overflowing thankfulness, however, I was filled with set of determinations.
I decided to be the one who can sympathize with other people's mourning.
I sincerely wish to share invaluable experiences and set of values I gained from homeschooling with people who are voiceless, desperately in need. I aspire to see these people drawing future dreams in spite of their surroundings and even sharing their own stories to later generations.
For more than 12 years, I have been and still is enriched with music. I felt an indescribable wonder and tremendous joy at how music can connect one another. I experienced that music is a common language which every nation share. Then, I realized that music was a way of communication as well. Now, I would like to step further and try communicating in more of social contexts. As music showed how strong a bond can be formed regardless of nationality or age, I believe this can also work by sharing. In this regard, I anticipate for the diversity of weak and poor I will be meeting and forming relationships with as I move forward into the future together. I expect to share my stories and enthusiasm with them and am eager to hear theirs.
However, just like I practiced the violin over 6 hours every day and tasted delicious harmony, I know that I need to be first prepared and disciplined for the abundant fruits. With confidence, I believe university could be a huge support and a preparatory stage for growth. So please teach me! Let me push forward to increase my academic ability in one of the most in-depth academic fields. Let me experience communities with varying perspectives. All these face one, ultimate goal of my lifetime: to devote my life to share.
Though this could seem just one small step, I am confident that in the long term, it will be eventually one giant leap for taking the role of "bread".
It was the Common App prompt that goes: "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
Until I saw this post, I couldn't figure out why you wrote it. So I kept skipping your essay without giving my comments. So, make sure you have your prompt included if you want to attract others attention and earn more feedbacks :)
I think what you've written above is not in line with what they expect from this prompt. It needs to be something that is central to who you are. This does not answer that. Here's some guidelines I picked from a few websites.
