'Poetry consumes me' - My Common App Essay

I have just finished my common app essay and I am very unsure of some of the grammar. I only have 2 days left until I have to apply! I was hoping you guys could just give me some tips and help me edit it. Thank You.

Prompt: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

Poetry consumes me: three simple words scribbled almost illegibly at the bottom of my math notebook. They would eventually begin the poem that illustrates wholly the immense passion I have for the art form that saved me.

You could say I was lost and, like most teenagers, unsure of my place in the world. Many days, high school seemed endless. I was crying out for something or someone to save me, to pull me out of the rut I was in.

'Your life is your life. Don't let it be clubbed into dank submission,' he spoke, almost exclusively to me. The words, a line from the poem "The Laughing Heart" by Charles Bukowski, resounded like plastic drums within my soul. It became the beat upon which I would march forward.

The poem speaks of the light and how it is essential to seek it out, to take chances as they come, to refuse to give up. I held fast to these words and with them, was able to find meaning and life in the everyday.

Bukowski's words also inspired me to write poetry of my own. With pen in hand, I was able to unearth the emotions that had, for so long, been buried deep within me. They began to take shape; rolling lyrically off the tongue, perfectly crafted around adjectives and simile. It was the ultimate contradiction: freeing, yet controlled.

"The Laughing Heart" ends simply: 'The gods wait to delight in you.' Words filling not only with hope, but also with incentive - the drive to go out and make everyday better.

Poetry consumes me: three simple words scribbled almost illegibly at the bottom of my math notebook. They would eventually begin the poem that illustrates (wholly:delete it because it's wordy) the immense passion I have for the art form that saved me.

That's the only change I could find, but your essay is good. What is your major because if it's English, then what you wrote here is on the spot.

Thanks for the tip! I'll definitely change it. Does anyone else have any edits or tips? Please, I really need advice!

(Urgent) MY Common App Essay and Short Answer

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 characters maximum)

When I first witnessed the documentary Silent Killer: The Unfinished Campaign Against Hunger, I was moved by the stories of children from all corners of the globe who were going days without food. I was further compelled by the message that "things can be done and it can be solved in our lifetime." I began with a food drive at my high school that ended up garnering 500 non-perishable food items for my local food bank. It ignited somewhat of a fire within me. I wanted to do more, on a global scale. I came across the World Food Program, a nonprofit organization that builds support in the United States to end global hunger. The program encouraged high school students to start clubs whose sole purpose was to raise money and awareness. Currently, I am trying to raise 2500 dollars in order to host a StopHungerNow food-packing event. The event would result in the packing of 10,000 meals that would be distributed to impoverished communities throughout the world.

[The poem speaks of the light and how it is essential to seek it out, to take chances as they come, to refuse to give up.] --> The poem speaks of the light and how essential it is to seek it out, to take chances as they come, and refuse to give up.

[They began to take shape; rolling lyrically off the tongue, perfectly crafted around adjectives and simile.] --> They began to take shape; rolling lyrically off my tongue, perfectly crafted around adjectives and similes.

[Currently, after writing several pieces , I am seeking publication for my work.] --> After writing several pieces to be proud of, I am currently seeking publication of my work.

[Words filling me not only with hope, but also with incentive - the drive to go out and make everyday better.] --> These words fill me not only with hope, but with incentive - giving me the drive to go out and make everyday better.

[...in our lifetime." I began...] --> ...in our lifetime." I had to do something. I began...
[...garnering 500 non-perishable food items for my local food bank.] --> ...garnering 500 non-perishable items for the local food bank.

*If you have any questions, please just ask!

Thanks for the edit! Just a couple questions:

1. Do you think I use the word "I" too many times in the second essay?
2. Did you change the last sentence of the first essay because it is a fragment? or because it sounded strange?
3. "chances as they come, to refuse to..." Is the hi-lighted part grammatically incorrect? do I have to have an "and refuse"?

4. Is the content of both of them ok? Does the first essay answer the question effectively? Does the second essay end too abruptly?

Thank you!

Sure! :)

1. I think because you are elaborating on your own experiences, it is okay. If you do want to change it, you may just want to rearrange your sentences so they don't consistently begin with I. For example: [I came across the World Food Program, a nonprofit organization that builds support in the United States to end global hunger.] --> When I came across the World Food Program, a nonprofit organization that builds support in the United States to end global hunger, the fire within me was fed.

2. I edited it for both of those reasons, actually.
3. Though not technically incorrect, this may confuse the reader if they are expecting a sequenced list. The sentence is a bit awkward if you're using and in the beginning and then listing three things instead of the common format of listing two things followed by "and" and a third item. However, if you like it how it is, it is acceptable as is.

4. To address the prompt more thoroughly, you might start with a quote from Bukowski instead of yourself. Also, in my understanding of the prompt, they are asking more about the character in the work rather than the author himself. I don't want you to have to change your whole essay, but it's something to consider. For the end of the second essay, you might elaborate on your progress in this project so far. Additionally, you might consider lengthening your essays. They say you have up to 1000 words, but you use only about 100 or so. Just a thought.

5. If you can, please consider reading over my essay and offering suggestions.

Thanks! Open to any more questions!