Pole-vaulting - my UF undergrad application essay

It all started one day while watching YouTube videos. It was a gag real of a pole-vaulter falling onto his pole as he was in the air and injuring himself. I kept watching more videos of people pole-vaulting and reaching heights upwards of fifteen feet. Ever since I saw these videos I have been fascinated with pole-vaulting, and joined my high school track team to participate in this soon to find out, ever so complicated event.

Not knowing anyone who could teach me how to pole-vault I asked the only kid at my school that also pole-vaulted. He told me about one of Florida's best highschool pole-vaulting coaches, his name was coach Cashman. When I met Cashman and asked him to teach me to pole-vault, the very first thing he told me was "this event will take more dedication and repetition than any other sport". Regardless of how many times he emphasized its difficulty, I pressed on into the event.

After the first month of practice I found out for myself that pole-vaulting was much more difficult than any race I had ever run. It took the combined efforts of my legs, body and mind to get me over the standard bar. The first couple of weeks I felt deterred from pole-vaulting, but I kept practicing in hopes of being able to learn how to pole-vault correctly. After many trials and many more errors, I was finally ready to jump in a track meet, or so I thought.

The day came when it was my time to put all the hours of practice to use. I was on deck getting ready to make my first jump. My heart was racing but my mind was beating it, thinking of all the things that either would or wouldn't happen. It was my turn to go, so I grabbed my pole affectionately named Mrs. Armstrong in hopes she would take me to the moon, but as I looked towards the opening height, I saw the tallest six feet of my life. As I started into my sprint I realized I have done this so many times I should be more prepared than a pack lunch. I accelerated towards my mark jumped and slung the pole back. As I landed on the mat the pole lay motionless, resting against the standard. The pole then fell along with the standard.

I didn't make it past six feet that day, but it did teach me a lesson. Sometimes no matter how prepared you are there are always unforeseen obstacles that life will through at you. When it comes to UF, I will bring lots of hard work and dedication no matter what unexpected obstacles the college life can throw at me. Just like in pole-vaulting I will keep on trying no matter how long it take for me to learn the subject or idea whatever it may be, Pole-vaulting also taught me to have humility in whatever it is that you do because everyone makes mistakes.

This is a good essay. You answer the prompt well, but I do think that you can write a bit more about how this experience will help you contribute to the UF community. You spend about 1-2 sentences doing that. Maybe expand that to a paragraph.

Overall, good essay. I really like it.

thanks to all for your help. cybertron i will definateley add more too it just gotta keep myself under 500 words is the only problem lol

Your essay was really good in my opinion. You described everything concisely and ended with your contributions to UF. Good Job

I like the humorous references toward the end but worry that the slow build, climaxing with a failure, and closed out by a few clipped sentences, could be adverse to your objective.

On the whole, I think a common mistake is to recount the details of an experience too extensively that the overarching lesson, qualities, whatever it is that you gained from it and wish to show, becomes overshadowed.

I didn't make it past six feet that day, but I experienced for myself the growth through failure that easy success can't always instill. I felt in my essence as I had not before; no matter how hard you prepare for something, devoting energy until you have nothing more to give, obstacles will loom and eventually one will catch your motion. Evidence that you've hit the obstacle won't be in dispute -- if you can shrug it off with confidence and unaffected resolve, your mental toughness and character won't be either. Thus, the reality that you're stronger than before will be known to you, perhaps only you. My experience landing on the mat, then seeing the pole and standard crashing, fortified my security with an outcome I had absolute control over. I've consistently applied the lesson of those few moments on that illusorily adverse day, beyond the scope of what I would have in success, and I hope I can make use of this ability to achieve great success at the University of Florida!

Look at how I rewrote your ending, emphasizing what importance the experience has as a tool to facilitate success at the university. Use it as a guide in rewriting your ending (don't copy it).