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Pondering over the career and my aptitude; NUS - computer Engineering



iam24 1 / 4  
Mar 15, 2013   #1
Topic: This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.

As there is only limited space (2000 characters), you are encouraged to present your ideas in focused and thoughtful manner.

I would be glad if you could review it and edit the beginning and conclusion..Please!


Pondering over the career and my aptitude,I visualize myself as a senior management position of a reputed organization based in Singapore.
During my school tenure,I have been awarded with various awards for academic excellence and have been the school topper year after year. Along with my studies I have secured coveted ranks in various Olympiads-a few of them being International rank 48 in 14th National Science Olympiad and state rank 13 in International Maths Olympiad and have been awarded with a gold medal many times for being the school topper in various science and maths Olympiads. At present, I am working on a Project in Computers to make a program using c language on "The Bank Management System".

Apart from my studies I have also been keenly interested in a number of sports and have won prizes in various quizzes, debates and symposiums, held at both inter and intra school level.

If there is one person who may be held solely responsible for spurring my interest in the field of computer engineering, it is my house helper's daughter. For sure, I grew up being intensely intrigued by computers and their mechanisms yet it was this little girl who sowed the first seed of my interest and inclination. One day, while I was working on my computer, she entered the room and stared with awe at the computer screen. Due to extreme poverty, she had never seen a mobile phone, leave alone a computer. Seeing her fascinated, I explained to her about the working of the computers. She was spellbound and asked me whether she would be able to own such a device. This strengthened my resolve, all the more, to study the subject from a renowned university given the chance. I dream of becoming a computer engineer and helping many children like her.

This will surely be possible with the course being offered by your prestigious institution.

Thank You!

OP iam24 1 / 4  
Mar 15, 2013   #2
Please help asap..its kinda urgent! :)
csga14 2 / 6  
Mar 15, 2013   #3
"During my school tenure,I have been awarded"

You missed a space there... :D

"...in various Olympiads-a few of them being International...)

I think you should just put a dot after Olympiads and then start a new sentece. But if you want to use this hyphen-structure, you need a space before it and you have to put another hyphen after you ended this thought.

On the whole it is a clear, well-written essay with nice structures.
temptprovidence 8 / 162  
Mar 15, 2013   #4
you have a good collection of points and expressions.. go for a revision and you will go with that perfectly.. although i didnt find one i will still request you to reach out for microsoft word pad..just copy paste it there and it will point out all sorts of errors. grammatical in green. others in red underline.hope it can help out even more...!!! BEST OF LUCK :)
OP iam24 1 / 4  
Mar 15, 2013   #5
Thank You! :)
could you please suggest me a suitable opening and closing para? or is what i have written apt?
Any other suggestions are also welcomed!
csga14 2 / 6  
Mar 15, 2013   #6
I'm not really good at openings/conclusions so I can't really provide any useful suggestions but you could add to the conclusion that you will do anything to acomplish your dreams and some other general things. Maybe you should read other essays on the same topic to collect ideas.
OP iam24 1 / 4  
Mar 16, 2013   #7
Dumi, could you please help me?
admission2012 - / 475  
Mar 16, 2013   #8
Hello,

This entire essay is horrible! You come off as very snobbish and elitist, which WILL put off admissions readers. You talk about how great you are and all the awards you have and how you learned from the lowly house-keeper's daughter. How could you possibly think this essay would paint you in a great light? All NUS is asking here is for you to fill in the blanks. What other experiences do you have that make whatever program you are applying to a great match for you now? My strong advice to you is to change the tone of this essay. Humility works wonders and will win you favors. Since I do not know what your main essay was about, or for what program you are applying to, I cannot fully help you. If you submit those here, I will be able to give you general guidance on how to change this essay.

Hope this helps
chessman567 5 / 168  
Mar 16, 2013   #9
Sorry to be harsh, but I totally agree with admission2012. You come off as a very arrogant person.


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