#1: What contemporary issue or trend relating to politics, culture, and society, or foreign policy particularly concerns you, and why? (300 words)
**Any and all critiques are welcomed! Thanks, guys**
It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling. It's a four-letter word that represents millions of deaths around the world.
This word is poop.
The more scientific term for it would be diarrhea. Either way, it epitomizes the global health issue that no one wants to talk about. You would think that in this sensitized age, everyone would understand the true effects of a dearth of clean sanitation and water supply. Living in America, where we are priviledged with wonderful technological advancements, we forget that 2.5 billion others have no adequate toilets and are forced to dump their wastes in the open.
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I think you mean, "You would think that in this sanitized age"
I love how you introduce the topic, but I think your momentum peters out in the second paragraph. Just some parts of it seem confusing: Did we lose $250 billion due to poor sanitation, even though you just said our systems are the best, or does the rest of the world lose that amount? Is there a specific disease you are referring to when you say that it kills more than AIDS, or are you still talking about diarrhea? Just remember to tie your essay back to your original subject, poop, at the end.
Thanks for your feedback!
Haha, yes, I meant to put "sanitized".
And you're right; it does seem to get a bit muddled in the middle.
When you read this essay, did you feel that I addressed the "why" portion of the prompt to a sufficient degree?
Or should I elaborate more?
Thanks again!:)
To be honest, I prefer your CMU essay over this one.
To start off, I think you should edit your intro a bit more. I don't know if poop necessarily = diarrhea? I think that the first few sentences (up to the line "This word is poop") can be rewritten to grab the reader's attention more. Come on! You're talking about diarrhea! Go into all that unappealing, vivid description! Throw in some phrases like "upside down, brown volcano" or "exploding chocolate fountain" or something with more imagery :)
" You would think that in this sensitized " -- I think that saying "One would think..." sounds better, but might just be me since I would prefer the term 'one' over 'you'.
"Living in America, where we are priviledged with wonderful technological advancements, we forget that 2.5 billion others have no adequate toilets and are forced to dump their wastes in the open" -- privileged is spelled incorrectly. Also, "dump their wastes" might sound a bit awkward. Maybe substitute in "evacuate their bowels" or something else. If you choose to go with what you have now, I think "wastes" should be changed to "waste".
"fifty communicable diseases are known to travel in human feces, which is why 1.5 million people, according to the World Health Organization, die every year. Every day, we lose 4,000 children to these preventable diseases. " -- I think if you listed a few of the possible diseases it might be more effective, since you reference "these preventable diseases".
"250 billion dollars every year thanks to poor sanitation" -- I would say that "due to poor sanitation" would flow better.
I also recommend that you strengthen your conclusion. If you fix up these points, I think it will come out as a solid essay. How's your CMU essay? I can take another look at that if you've updated it. Also, if you have time could you take a look at my Yale Engineering essays?
hahaha, you're hilarious!:)
I was trying to not make the adcom throw up in their mouths, but I do see the point of strong imagery.
Thanks a lot for your help!
And yes, I will post the next-final drafts of both this supplement and the CMU. If you could look at both, that would be great:)
And of course, I'll look at it right now~
I really wouldn't go into graphic detail like that. While it's humorous, it detracts from the serious and tragic tone you're setting in the rest of the essay- and beyond that, blecch. The readers might feel the same.
As for addressing the "why", it depends. Did you have any experiences with diarrhea that left you thinking how horrible it is, or did you know somebody with the sort of diseases you talk about? Those are just examples, if you have a backstory as to how you found out about this, by all means do it. That way you'll get that human touch in.
Haha, thank you; I've decided not to go into all that visualization.
While I don't have any traumatic personal experiences with these diseases, I understand your point with the critical "human touch." Do you mind reviewing my latest draft? :)
Great improvement from the previous essay! I think you changed it up for the better.
I do see a few more points that should be addressed to make it read better.
" use the toilet, then forget about the toilet." -- Maybe say "use the toilet, then forget about it, or forget it ever happened (or something along those lines?)"
" poop go?I shudder" -- SPACE!!! Small things like this can drive a reader insane. Make sure you put the space between the "?" and "I"
"true effects of a dearth of clean sanitation"-- Sounds a bit wordy to me. And I'm not sure if you should say 'clean' in front of 'sanitation', maybe 'adequate' might fit better?
"Besides the obvious aesthetic harms of open defecation"-- I have never seen someone use "aesthetic harms" to describe a situation like this, maybe you should consider something like "Other than the unappealing sight of open defecation..."
"diarrhea, the second biggest children killer in the world," -- change it a bit to be maybe "diarrhea, the second largest killer of children worldwide" or something.
For your last paragraph/sentence thing, I recommend that you follow the rule of 3: Change it so that it becomes "My concern is that...xxxxxxxxx" and end with a powerful statement (...we are ignoring the millions of suffering people because of our lack of consideration).
To me, that would just sound better. But again, it might just be me.
Other than these relatively minor things, I think you have improved it greatly! ITs more coherent as well as more informative.
Oh, also, if there is anything else that you would like me to take a look at for any of your other essays, feel free to ask!
If you have time, I would really really really appreciate it if you could look at my Yale Engineering essay for me (the anarchist/rebel titled one), as I have found your feed back to be really helpful. Thanks for everything you have done, and good luck!
AGHH THAT DREADED SPACE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
lol.
I totally agree with your tweaks, but especially about the concluding paragraph thing. I'll be sure to change that before I submit it in! (the deadline is almost here, yikeeees)
And of course! Your advice has been super duper helpful to me as well, and I'm glad to return the favor~
There is a definite shift in tone. in the beginning, there is a more humorous tone in which you tell the reader, like, relax, it is just poop. This made me laugh, but then your tone shifts, obviously, to a more serious one. I really like that. I like the shift in the tone. I do feel you might be a little too condescending in the second half. It seems you have a lot of resentment towards how Americans treat this issue, but maybe your reader might not like that you might be too tough on Americans. I would tread more lightly on that. Other than that, a really nice essay and very interesting, especially when you mention the statistics. I like reading your essays :]
@EmelyMorales Hmm, I think you're right on the condescending part. I took out "Americans" after "privileged citizens".
Hahaha, well thanks! Your essays are quite fun to read too :)
Here's my latest draft.
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#1: What contemporary issue or trend relating to politics, culture, and society, or foreign policy particularly concerns you, and why?
After eating a particularly fulfilling lunch, I felt my insides twist, and I groaned. That was my cue. I shot up from my couch and headed to the bathroom, where I proceeded to do what I've done for most of my life: use the toilet, flush it, then forget it ever happened.
But while I was washing my hands, I found myself staring at this miraculous invention and wondered, What would life be like if I didn't have a toilet? Where would all this poop go? I shudder now even as I think about it.
My curiosity piqued, I began my research, starting with poop. A four-letter word. No one wants to look at it. No one wants to talk about it. This is precisely how it has escalated into a global health issue.
One would think that in this sanitized age, everyone would understand the consequences of an inadequate sanitation and a contaminated water supply. Yet living in America, where we are privileged with advanced technology, we forget that 2.5 billion others have no toilets and are forced to dump their waste out in the open. Besides the obvious unappealing qualities of open defecation, there is another problem: fifty communicable diseases, such as cholera and meningitis, are known to travel in human poop. The most common symptom of these diseases is diarrhea.
My concern is that among privileged citizens, diarrhea, the second largest children killer in the world, is treated as a joke. There are rhymes, songs, and comedic acts dedicated to this particular symptom, yet it's responsible for 1.5 million deaths around the world every year. Every day, 4,000 children lose their lives to these diseases, diseases that can been prevented if only there is a sufficient supply of toilets.
My concern is that we aren't doing anything to reverse the consequences. We ignore the statistics; if there was adequate sanitation in India, 25% of girls would not drop out of school. We keep the toilet locked out of our conversations; my childhood friend, who moved to Japan, eagerly informs me of her advanced toilet upgrades as if she's discussing the latest celebrity gossip.
My concern is that we don't recognize this problem as the shameful imperative issue it really is. Poop is dirty, but what's even dirtier is that we are willing to ignore the suffering of millions of people. But maybe that's just me
I like how you bring the topic up in this essay. The "research" part you mentioned is fine but on a personal feeling, I'd like it if you expanded that a wee bit. Otherwise, the essay is amazing :) Love it.
Nice work! I think you are nearing completion!
A few more suggestions:
"My curiosity piqued, I began my research, starting with poop. A four-letter word. No one wants to look at it. No one wants to talk about it. This is precisely how it has escalated into a global health issue. " -- Could you make this flow a bit better? I think that its a little choppy in the middle where you have the short sentences. Maybe merge them to be like " A four-lettered word that represents something no one wants look at or even talk about".
"fifty communicable diseases, such as cholera and meningitis, are known to travel in human poop. " -- fifty? haha, I think you mean 'filthy'. And I would recommend that you switch out 'poop' for 'feces' here, since you are talking about the more scientific aspect of the topic rather than just something nobody wants to talk about. (if that makes sense?)
"if there was adequate sanitation in India, 25% of girls would not drop out of school" -- for my own knowledge, but why do 25% of girls drop out of school? What does sanitation have to do with school? Might just be my ignorance haha.
" if only there is a sufficient supply of toilets." -- Minor thing here: I'd suggest saying sanitary toilets ,because that would be a better argument for how its important to be clean and everything.
"We keep the toilet locked out of our conversations; my childhood friend, who moved to Japan, eagerly informs me of her advanced toilet upgrades as if she's discussing the latest celebrity gossip." -- I'm not really sure how this sentence is relevant to your essay. Are you saying that Japan has more sanitary bathrooms because they talk about it? I think you should state what you mean here, or take it out. THe essay works even if you just remove the sentence.
"But maybe that's just me" -- You dropped a period at the end. But I think its a very powerful ending you have, and that would work great to conclude this serious topic.
Good job improving it from your last rendition!
Hopefully you can have it done soon!
AHHH thank you thank you thank you for your all your help.
And haha, 25% of girls in India drop out of school because there is a lack of clean sanitation, so when they hit that time of month ahem, it just gets to be unbearable.
I think, after I incorporate what you just told me, that this will be my final draft. I'm so excited haha.
Good luck to you!!
Oh, one last thing. I don't know if you're still working on this essay or not, but I would suggest that you drop the last "But maybe that's just me." line to the bottom and have it its own separate paragraph. That might make it more powerful.
And I see now ... 25% is a lot from just that!
You're essay has really turned out well, much much MUCH better, in my opinion, that what you started out with.
Great work!