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'Poor people and the latest government action' - Common App Short Answer First Go



petemess95 6 / 9  
Nov 16, 2012   #1
This is my first attempt at the Common App short essay. Any help would be appreciated, specifically with my tenses and the last few sentences. My last sentence i'm not so sure about.

Over this past summer, I was given the opportunity to work in the office of my District's congressional representative Leonard Lance. My job was to answer the phone and direct the caller to the proper person. I thought this would be a boring and repetitive task, but after a few calls I quickly learned that this was not the case. While some constituents would call simply to ask a few questions or offer their opinions on the latest government action, others would call in tears over how they just lost their job and home, looking desperately for assistance. I felt helpless about these people, because all I could do was transfer them to someone with the resources to do something. Even though I had done everything I could for these people, I made sure to keep tabs on their case to see if any progress was made. This was an eye-opening experience for me because, coming from a town with very little issues with poverty, I had never understood the emotional impact of these things. I was given first-hand experience with the fabled "poor people" that the newscasters always talk about.

Jennyflower81 - / 674  
Nov 17, 2012   #2
Hi :) I really like your essay, it it a good topic to write about, and that job experience will help shape your image for your college app. So, I think there are no problems until the end of the essay. I don't know if you have a word limit, but the ending kind of leaves you wondering what happened to those poor people. I think I can help you wrap it up in a short way, in case your word limit only allows a short space. You wrote:

"This was an eye-opening experience for me because, coming from a town with very little issues with poverty, I had never understood the emotional impact of these things. I was given first-hand experience with the fabled "poor people" that the newscasters always talk about."

Maybe say it like this: "I was raised in a town with very few poverty issues, and the helpless callers opened my eyes to the problems of my community. By simply answering the phone, I became a lifeline for people that truly needed a helping hand."
OP petemess95 6 / 9  
Nov 18, 2012   #3
Jennyflower81

Yes, there is a 1000 character limit for this. And also, I love the ending you gave me, it's exactly what I wanted to say, I just couldn't properly articulate it!


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