Hello, Please help me edit this essay, which is for the Summer Health Professions Education program. I would greatly appreciate it if you criticize it as best as possible telling me where the essay needs improvement and what is good about it. Thanks in advance. Below you may find the prompt and my response.
Thanks
SHPEP seeks individuals who will advance the goals of diversity in the medical and dental profession, reduce health-care disparities, and/or improve health care to undeserved populations.
Coming from the Dominican Republic
Please share your experiences in one or all of these areas in the space provided below.
Coming from the Dominican Republic, I had been born in a very small and lower class family. We migrated to America, in search of a better life and opportunities that would transform the many struggles that we had been forced to endure into blessings. However, the truth of such move later proved to be only a facade. The symbol of greatness and prosperity that I would always hear others talk about America was not as such when my family and I had arrived in the land of the so called plenti and abundant. I suddenly realized that in order to succeed in America my family and I would have to work twice as hard as any other family mainly because the highest level of education that my parents received was that of a grade school education. Years passed and we slowly adjusted to living in America.
At the age of twelve, four years after my family had arrived in America, we decided to travel back to the Dominican Republic for the first time. I remember that as soon as we stepped off the plane and headed outside people, including children, were sitting along the passenger sidewalk with hats on the floor trying to coerce those who had arrived into giving them money in return for their cultural dances and songs. This only meant one thing and that was that the Dominican Republic was still the same place as I remembered. It was still a place where the disadvantaged were constantly oppressed and prevented from improving their lives for the better of society. Likewise, the Dominican Republic was still a place where the inequality between the wealthy and poor was still rampant and growing on a daily basis. Two days after our arrival, my mother, aunt and I headed to the country's capital city, as we were trying to buy some grocery for the week. Upon turning a corner, a young gentleman, who was probably no older than twenty five was sitting on the pavement along a wall desperately asking for money and food. I looked at his legs and noticed the level of swelling that they had and just stood there thinking about the pain that he must be feeling and whether he was able to walk. The level of sadness that I was feeling in that moment of time was beyond what words could describe. I was both puzzled and numb at what I was seeing. Nothing made sense, as I could not understand how there could be so much poverty in a city where lights illuminate every street-way, and a multitude of people pass by in luxurious cars completely indifferent to the level of suffering of many disadvantaged and lonesome souls. This is something that still continues to puzzle me. The reason for this is because I know that this situation continues to go unnoticed by government officials, the people who we citizens trust to improve the healthcare system and many other things within our society.
A week went by and the level of impotence that I was feeling about what I had witnessed in my own country was abysmal. Perhaps being born into a low class family helped me live and understand what struggle meant and the value that the smallest of things possess. Because of my family's social class, I was able to see the level of poverty that plagued much of the Dominican Republic. This was so much so that the same scenario I had witnessed before repeated itself, but this time in a hospital and in a more personal way. My mom had received a call telling her that one of her brothers was at the hospital with severe injuries from a motorcycle accident as a result of overspeeding. I remember how we rushed to the hospital in a Voladora, or speeding van as they are called in the the Dominican Republic, only to realize that my mom's brother had not yet been taken care of by the doctors because of the shortage in staff. I looked at the patient's waiting room and was awestruck by the number of patients awaiting to be taken care of. How could this be, I thought to myself. The only question that I found myself asking was, where are the doctors of this hospital? Nurses and doctors would sprint from one room to the next whenever they were called through the hospital's intercom, requesting their presence in different room. Everything seemed to be lacking order and cohesion. Suddenly, my ears were overtaken by a loud scream coming from a woman who appeared to be holding a sick infant in her arms. Did he die, I thought to myself. "What's going on," I asked my mom. However, she was just as clueless as the rest of us looking over. "He is not breathing," the woman yelled. "Please help me, please." I couldn't believe it. I had been a witness of a death that could have been prevented if there would have been more doctors and nurses available. Amidst the chaos, my mother called a taxi and took my uncle to a private hospital, where he was rapidly treated and kept in observation for two nights.
It is evident that experiencing both of these scenarios in one single visit to the Dominican Republic speaks of the rampant level of imbalance that continues to prevail in my home country. The saddest part of this, however, is that if nothing is done to help improve the healthcare system in the Dominican Republic, the situation will only continue to worsen. Laws alone will not be able to amend the many problems that persist. It will take more than just activists marching to lead the government to implementing better healthcare, better living conditions, and better trained doctors in their field. Until every citizen who has the luxury that others can only wish for step up and use their experience and power to effect positive change will the Dominican Republic be able to see a difference in the healthcare system. Now that my family has slightly risen up from poverty and that I have been blessed with bountiful opportunities, I feel that it is my duty and responsibility to give back, all with the goal of leading my country in the right direction.@brayan1996
I read the entire essay and I could feel the sincerity.
I could indirectly experience how you would have felt when you witnessed the baby die at the waiting room.
Despite the genuine sympathy and volition, people who are not from the country might think that your feelings could be politically myopic.
I think it would be better for you to expand your feelings to a more cosmopolitan level.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Brayan, your narrative touches the heart but does not allow you to respond to the prompt in an accurate manner. While the presentation of the experience at the hospital sounds like that is what the prompt requires you to do, that is not exactly the case. The prompt is asking you to discuss your background in dealing with medical or dental care disparities. This should be based upon actual service experience either as a member of a volunteer organization or as part of your exposure immersion experience for students interested in entering this line of work.
Your essay needs to reflect your work and accomplishments in this field. Therefore, telling the story about your family's migration to America is not a necessary part of this essay. The experience you had upon your return to your home country is a valid jumping off point, provided you are able to connect it to your interest in the field by explaining that after you experienced that, you decided to join such and such organization in order to do what you can to help those in need of medical care but lacking in funds.
Try to approach the essay from the aforementioned perspective. You need to be able to present some sort of professional or amateur experience in this field in order for the essay to work to your benefit.
