Hello again! I know I have not visited the site in a while. The Russian academic Olympiad for high school student is going on now and I had little time to practice writing. However, i wrote another essay on a topic that interests me a lot. I am looking forward to and will be very glad to hear your oppinion on it. The problem is that I got too much into writing it so it came out a 100 words too long and I don't know where to cut it. Anyway let me know what your suggestions are - I would be happy to hear any advice however small!
The College takes on big questions in the arts, sciences, and professions that go beyond the classroom. Write an essay of 600 words or less in response to the following issue: Which corrupts more, power or powerlessness?
Power of Powerlessness
"Snoring like a Sleeping Beauty" mused anesthesiologist, scrutinizing the data flowing at the monitors' screen. "Disinfect the operation sector, please" Gauze's white tongue licked the surface of man's back squeezed by the pale lips of sterile sheets. "Scalpel... Coagulator... Scissors... Retractor..." - Julia Danner minted familiar words with two seconds intervals, automatically performing the usual routine. These actions were just as common in her daily work as the case of the patient on the table in her practice.
She recalled with difficulty the particular knock on the door with which the man appeared in her cabinet for the first time. It was a young man, no different from any other men that came to her, of women for that sake. Got injured doing sports, decided it was nothing serious, his back hurt, came to consult local doctor, got diagnosed with displacement of the spinal disc and refused treatment in light of high technical complexity of the required operation. However, he heard of Julia's late years' success and turned to her for the last recourse. "As usual" reflected Julia that day while slipping a paper out of the table. She wrote a note to her assistant with directions as to the preparation necessary to take before the surgery date. The patient was thrilled to hear that in couple of days he will be operated upon by the famous Julia Danner. In between every few words he inserted "thank you"s so that his speech seemed ridiculously overpacked with the gratitude. "You are my Goddess" he exclaimed on the doorstep.
As the door behind his back closed, Julia returned to her desk but couldn't work for the rest of the day. Her thoughts were discordant. The greatest fear she had, the greatest worry was that one day, grace to all this praises from patients and colleagues she would come to consider herself equal to God. It was one thing she dreaded forgetting - no doctor, however skillful, can compete with the Creator. As long as the patient is doomed to death, nobody can save him. Yes, she suspected she did trick death couple of times. These time God returned people to life with her hands. It was always God.
"Oh God, what have I done!" It was as if in slow motion: her hand that was always guided by divine power trembled and the splinter of a vertebra wedged into the spinal cord. In a second she had no way to escape reality. Her patient was doomed to become disabled for life. Loosing concentration during the most common operation, she immobilized his stream of life as the damage of the spinal cord immobilized the flow of his nerve impulses. He was doomed to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Still worse, her reputation was doomed as well.
Years and years of education and practice, she gave up sleep and peace for the sake of mastering surgical skills. This was unbearable. "Bring another implant from the sterilizer" she snapped "the dimensions are wrong". The nurse turned to the tools cabinet. Before Julia know what she was doing, her "divine" hand clenched around a syringe and pulled the plunger to fill it with the lethal insulin dose. Nobody would know about her failure. She pulled the plunger as criminals pull the trigger and the hormone flew as a bullet to the man's brain.
As Julia looked down at the corps, she almost smiled at herself. Through her professional career Julia Danner anticipated that power to heal would bring her to believe to be equal to God but it was the serpent of powerlessness that made her think she could take away the divine gift of life. "How great the power of powerlessness really is" she wandered. Maybe the effect power has on people is well-known and thus it is something we become prepared for. However you don't notice powerlessness until it had consumed your whole heart. The contagious influence of it is not known and we are less vigilous.
"26 January 2014
A famous neurosurgeon Julia Danner committed suicide after being accused of murdering a patient on the operating table."
Throwing the newspaper in trash, the anesthesiologist reflected darkly: "Power can be taken away and you will be free from its contagious influence. You come to be yourself again. Nobody can rip powerlessness out of you" and after a few seconds he muttered darkly "Only death might".
737 words
Alina, this is a very interesting piece of creative writing which unfortunately, does not fall within the parameters of the essay. You are supposed to discuss, not relate an event that depicts power through powerlessness. While medical doctors indeed have the power of life and death. They are given that power by the people and the procedures that they perform to save lives. If a doctor goes rogue, there is a legal process with which to make them answer. That is not the point of this essay. Even the very end, where you have that quote does not make sense. Was death the one talking?
For this type of essay, you should look at politics for an example. Remember how politicians are often being arrested or accused of corruption or power brokering to help people get what they want? Imagine if you will, the kind of power that a politician has when he does this. He asks the less powerful people to make it worth his while to help them by asking them for financial favors. Asking the powerless one to pay in order to get what he wants. Thus, he, the politician, politics, corrupts the powerless.
Then we have the case of the powerless, the poor people, who ambition to get ahead in life. Some of them are lucky enough to get into politics where they begin to unintentionally at first, dabble in corruption because of the power that they have been given. Not really understanding how to use the power of a political office, political clout, or influence is the reason why corruption occurs. There is an abuse of power in such instances all because the person now has the power to make anything that he wants to happen.
So in hindsight, it would seem that being both powerful and powerless can corrupt a person. When one has power, he abuses it because he has the ability to do it. When one does not have it, he pays to borrow the power of someone else in order to get what he wants. In either case, both instances show that corruption is cause by both power and powerlessness.
Vangiespen, aparently I have understood the topic differently. I decided to make a claim that powerlessness corrupts more than power by illustrating it with an example (completely made up). The doctor here thought it was power over patient's life that would corrupt her to the extent of comparing herself to God. However, it was powerlessness to correct her error that made her act as a God and take away the gift of life.
Could you please tell me if the grammer and vocabulary are okay? Are the medical terms used appropriatly (I used dictionaries so I am not sure about the use of vocabulary). I want to bring the story to perfection because I like it alot and just want to keep it as a piece of writing to myself about this topic. Also, cutting it down is very hard for me. Could you advice what parts are too long or irrelevent?
Alina, I am not a medical professional so I cannot advice you on those medical terms. If you used medical dictionaries and other research to write this essay then I advice you to change your line of story telling. Should this be read by someone who has actual medical experience and know-how, you may be scrutinized harder than you think. One mistake in the use of terminology and your paper will no longer be helping your application. It can become a major liability instead. Also, since I do not believe your essay actually answers the prompt, I cannot help you further. You are telling a story instead of responding directly to the essay which is what the essay is asking you to do. Please note that the instruction clearly states:
Write an essay of 600 words or less in response to the following issue: Which corrupts more, power or powerlessness?
You are not responding to the issue, you are telling a story. This is supposed to be an opinion essay. Not a creative story writing essay. Since you are not adhering to the essay prompt, I do not see how I can help you out. If you decide to work within the correct parameters of the essay let me know so I can help you out. If you insist upon telling a story when you are supposed to be writing a point of view essay, I am sorry, this will be the last piece of advice you will receive from me about this essay in particular.
