this was the prompt "Difficulty nee not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisying because of obstacles surmounted." im supposed to write a personal response
I am known as the cheerleader: pom poms, mini skirts, makeup, the whole nine. For my senior year, I decided to mix things up. I decided to embark into the world of clunky shoes and cheese fries. I joined the bowling team.
My decision was met with adversity. The cheerleaders were upset at me leaving and the bowlers were upset at me joining. I barely knew the names of the bowlers, but they already decided a cheerleader had no place on their team and lacked confidence in my abilities. The first day of practice, all eyes were on me. Approaching the lane with steady breath I swung my arm, and released. A confident ball slid down the greased path and crashed into ten adversaries. A strike. Emily McDonald got a strike.
After the first ball, getting strikes wasn't so easy. I listened to the coach though and watched the seasoned player's techniques. Within three weeks I was hitting scores comparable to the four year captain, securing my spot on the team. Slowly, I gained respect and a nickname, Weazel. Now when I approach the lane, my teammates hoot "It's Weazel time!" and get me psyched up to bowl. I'm probably the only girl at the bowling alley with curled hair and manicured nails, but that does not disturb my game. I know I'm good and when the size eleven, bright green ball is in my hands, Weazel attacks.
I am now the high scorer on the team. I never would have wanted to excel at bowling so much, had it not been for adversity. Gutter balls fueled determination and disbelief fostered passion. I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried something I knew nothing about with people I knew nothing about. Difficulty made only my success sweeter.
I love it! The writing is super clear, and your point comes across perfectly. There are only a few words here and there that I would change:
The cheerleaders were upset atwith me leaving and the bowlers were upset atwith me joining.
... had no place on their team, and lacked ...
I listened to the coach though, and watched the seasoned player's players' techniques.
I know I'm good and when the size eleven, bright green ball ...
...I knew nothing about, with people I knew nothing about. Add something like 'And in the end' Difficulty made only made my success sweeter.
Hope this helps! Could you please help me with my common app essay?
The essay's great!
To nitpick, I would find the ending of the first paragraph much more powerful if you get rid of the "A strike" sentence. The "Emily McDonald got a strike" after the image of the ball rolling down the lane seems more triumphant to me.
is it evident that "a strike. emily mcdonald got a strike" is people's incredulity wearing down and that was the thought in their heads?
A confident ball slid down the greased path and crashed into ten adversaries. A strike. Emily McDonald got a strike.
Hmm...what about italics? Maybe that way the phrase seems more third-person.
good advice, thanks :)
Let me start by saying I love your essay. I read the other one too, "There's no place like homelessness." Your writing is absolutely captivating. I have read the essay more than once and what always seems to catch me is when you say "the whole nine." I think you mean the whole nine yards?
