Press Play - life with a video player setting (Hopkins Supp)

Here is the PROMPT:
Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?
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Press Play

Imagine a life with a video player setting; rewinding back to the most memorable moment or fast-forwarding all the pain and sorrow to skip to the "happily ever after" ending. Wouldn't life be just so much more livable? I too would very much appreciate a mechanical control of my life - pausing and replaying whenever I want. I would manipulate every second of my life so I can play tennis for eternity. I don't mind the aesthetically unattractive pit stains or the good-bye-flip-flops tan lines. What I love about it is the spin under the ball, keeping my emotions under control, and my teammates on the bench. Tennis is like a battery - it keeps me going. During winter when I am "paused" on tennis due to the pitiless weather of St. Louis, I volunteered. Volunteering at the blood drive gave me a different kind of exhilaration. Each donor walking in equaled saving three lives, and I was actually a part of this life cycle. I gained a better knowledge of the value of life at Barnes-Jewish Hospital after dedicating my service for three months. The moment I put on my volunteer sticker, I knew it would be engraved in my life forever. Tennis and volunteering are activities that I won't be able to let adrift after high school. I would love the opportunity to continue to record the remaining tape of my life at Johns Hopkins University to keep serving up aces and put on my sticker of life.

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I have exactly 250words, but I am willing to revise and edit if necessary.
SO PLEASE feel free to dissect and break it apart.
Thank you for your time and effort!All is appreciated!
P.S. I would love to read your essay if you want so post a link or something

I liked it. Very intriguing introduction. I personally thought you were going for a video game club or some sort of RTF thing. The whole thing is a little unclear to me. So you're going for tennis and volunteering while at Johns Hopkins, right? I think you should make that a little more clear.

Hello again,
This essay is short and sweet. I enjoyed your metaphor for life as a video game, and it worked well in regards to your particular activities. However, your answer to the question (in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?) was not very clear to me. Are the remote and batteries supposed to symbolize your desire to continue with tennis and volunteer activities at JHU, respectively? If so, I didn't feel that was communicated very strongly. I guess I am just asking for clarification on your answer to the question. I will be able to help you out much better on revising when I understand this detail correctly.

-Andrew

"Tennis is like a battery - it keeps me going" i think it's a little too cheesy.

You shouldn't wait till the last repentance to tie your essay back to the question being asked, you should try to connect your experiences to college life before you get to far into the essay.

I kinda thought I was going too far with my analogy.
At first I thought it was a great idea, but gradually it sounded cheesy, almost unnecessary.
Thanks for all your comments.
I think I may start the whole thing over and try to answer the prompt.
Thanks again:)

You're conclusion is a bit cheesy. I would love the opportunity to continue to record the remaining tape of my life at Johns Hopkins University to keep serving up aces and put on my sticker of life. When you used it as an intro it was original and piqued my interest. However, when you used it as a conclusion, it just kind of fell flat for me.

Tennis and volunteering are activities that I won't be able to let adrift after high school. I like this because it makes your ambitions clearer, but there's something awkward about where it is. I don't know why I find it weird, but I just do. Sorry, I couldn't be clearer with that. Your edited version is better and clearer than your original. Good luck.

NO, I actually really liked your comments:)
I am struggling with this essay so much.
Im always having trouble with intro and conclusion so I need to work on it again.
But thank you so m uch for your continuous comments. lol

lol, no prob. I feel that if I commented on something and the person still needs help after that, it's kind of the right thing to do. I don't think your intro needs any work. Although you could try to incorporate both tennis and volunteering in it without making it obvious, you know what I mean. Like "fast forwarding through the pain (tennis, because you and I both know, long hours playing tennis is painful the next day) and skip to happily ever after (blood donor, you know saving lives)" or whatever. Something like that, but obviously written better. Perhaps, use the "tennis is my battery" line as part of your conclusion as why you would continue to do it in college. And the "volunteering is engraved in me" is kind of self-explanatory as why you would continue it. Good luck!

I like the metaphor of the battery & remote control, but on thing I'm not sure about is the St. Louis part. It's just random and idk why you were there and how it's different. Either take it out or change it to something that will make the reader understand better why you were at St. Louis.

Otherwise, I think this is really good and creative. Nice!

the ending is a little cheesy

This is a great essay!! Really impressive, creative, engaging! It has everything an essay should have. It shows your interests and let me say that in a very enjoyable way. Great way to answer the prompt! I like it. I was not able to find any grammatical mistakes, but maybe I just overlooked! I wish you good luck :)!

By the way check my Georgia Tech Essay please I am having kind of trouble with it. I want someone to tell me if its strong enough and if not what should I add. Thanks in advance :)!!