The primary reason that I am applying to Northwestern University is its firm academic program.

Heres my essay. Rip it apart :). Topic is Why Northwestern?

The primary reason that I am applying to Northwestern University is its firm academic program. Multiple Nobel-prize wining professors teach at the university and its core liberal arts all range very strong to national top-10 ranked. These qualities will help me obtain a high-class education. The university also offers flexibility in determining a major. This will allow me to easily peruse a second major in Economics.

My primary major is Biomedical Engineering. I became interested in the field during the Summer Science Scholars Academy at UMDNJ, where one of the four classes I took was bioengineering. We embarked on a four week journey to genetically alter bacteria. Starting with ordinary E-Coli bacteria, we performed multiple extractions and insertions to finally create bacteria that could glow in the dark. I was amazed at the way that bacteria could be manipulated.

With a Biomedical Engineering program ranked in top 15 in the nation, the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science is the ideal school for me. The unique structure of the program will allow me to obtain a firm grasp on the subject. Led by the Engineering First curriculum, my study in engineering concepts will begin at the beginning of me freshman year. I will be able to experience real engineering early in my undergraduate careers. The course work will not only give me a great undergraduate study, it will also effectively prepare me for medical school. The variety of labs, like the Morimoto Laboratory, will allow me to work in a different setting then the classroom.

Northwestern offers many choices to further my education. The Kellogg School of Business financial economics certificate course is a brilliant option for me, as it would advance my education in economics beyond the AP level. The Honors Program in Medical Education is an asset for me as it will help me achieve my goal of obtaining a medical degree. As an HPME student, I will be able to take part in global health and research opportunities, advanced degree coursework and shadowing experiences.

Aside from academics, the university is equally attractive socially. During my visit to Northwestern, I was able to see the campus setting which was amazing. The shores of Lake Michigan and the natural beauty gave the university a wonderfully isolated feeling. I felt alive surrounded by nature. However I found out that Chicago is just a ride away. This is beneficial as I will get the best of both worlds, the quiet peacefulness to study and the entertainment from the city with its multiple theaters, restaurants and museums.

There are multiple activities that I would be interested in including 64 Squares and the Undergraduate Premedical Society. The social diversity of the student body would allow me to interact in an environment that mimics the professional world. The school's involvement with the Big Ten is another major perk allowing me to view the highest level of college sports without compromising academic quality. I hope to try out for the varsity tennis team as well as attending Wildcats football games.

On all aspects Northwestern proves to be appealing to me. It is academically strong, social diverse and aptly located. It is no wonder that I hope to attend Northwestern next year.

Hi there,

I really enjoyed reading your essay and learning more about your story. I think the biggest issue with this essay is that it does not really convey the type of personality, curiosity or 'color' that one might expect from an undergraduate applicant--but there are some easy ways to improve upon this and simply make your essay more engaging.

First and foremost, start with the story. You write:

"My primary major is Biomedical Engineering. I became interested in the field during the Summer Science Scholars Academy at UMDNJ, where one of the four classes I took was bioengineering. We embarked on a four week journey to genetically alter bacteria. Starting with ordinary E-Coli bacteria, we performed multiple extractions and insertions to finally create bacteria that could glow in the dark. I was amazed at the way that bacteria could be manipulated."

The concept of 'genetically altering bacteria' sounds cool. Hypothetically, as an AdCom member who may have no idea what this concept entails, for a moment I understand how you might be passionate about this subject. Push it further! What were the details of your research? What was most exciting to you about the field--what are some of the applications? Did you work with a diverse array of students in the program--how would Northwestern offer an extension of that success?

Don't get so bogged down by answering 'why Northwestern' that you forget to really reveal who YOU are in this essay. All admissions essays should be infused with more detail about you and the forces that drive you, and read less like literature from the school's website.

I would focus on Northwestern's biomedical engineering program, pre-med track, and diversity. The location element is a reasonable factor, but definitely not the strongest support for your 'why Northwestern' case.

Great work--keep going!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Thank for the advise so far i replaced:

My primary major is Biomedical Engineering. I became interested in the field during the Summer Science Scholars Academy at UMDNJ, where one of the four classes I took was bioengineering. We embarked on a four week journey to genetically alter bacteria. Starting with ordinary E-Coli bacteria, we performed multiple extractions and insertions to finally create bacteria that could glow in the dark. I was amazed at the way that bacteria could be manipulated.

With:

My primary major is Biomedical Engineering. I became interested in the field during the Summer Science Scholars Academy at UMDNJ, where one of the four classes I took was bioengineering. We embarked on a four week journey to genetically alter bacteria. During our first meeting we were given ordinary E-Coli bacteria. Afterwards we spent hours in the lab extracting DNA, using recombinant DNA to cut it up, and inserting it back in. The ultra-preciseness that had to be taking during the labs was amazing. I had never before worked in microliters or with objects veiled to the human eye. What surprised me more was the competence with which I worked. At the end of the period my lab partner and I were the only successful creators of luminescent bacteria.

The way that the bacteria could be manipulated astounded me. I had already known that genetically altered bacteria were being used to fight diseases like diabetes, but I had always imagined it to be a hard grueling process, not as easy as it had been at UMDNJ. The uses of this technology could be wide spread, ranging from using them to fight disease to creating knockout mice to experiment on.

I deleted the campus location paragraph as well.

Vishal,

Looks great and I approve of the changes to these sections. I would reposition the first sentence near the end of this essay though--so you can show a gradual, logical build-up to your intended major and future path. The direction and arc of a compelling story is logical, right? Don't give away the destination/final conclusion upfront.

I hope you didn't eliminate all the content from the first essay! I really like the bit about Kellogg and your interest in global health--shows that you have very concrete, focused career goals and you know where you are headed. Med school and biz school might seem over-ambitious, so I would explore the curriculum/program options for someone with an interest in global health to make this path sound more feasible and well-researched.

Cheers,
Janson

Thanks, Jansen, as always your contribution here is inspiring to me. I can tell you spend more time than necessary, really trying to benefit the learners! It is nice that your intentions reflect "basic goodness" (trungpa).