Princeton Supplement- Plucking White Hairs

Hi! This is my first thread and I really need help on my Princeton supplement (comments on grammar and content) . I'd appreciate any harsh criticism! Thank you!

Prompt: Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way. (I know that writing about my mom is cliche but she truy did impacted me through her job and I want to mention how much she has inspired and motivated me to balance everything in my life just as she has)

I was about to turn into bed when my mom suddenly cried out my name several times. She sounded urgent, so I immediately rushed to where she was. She had both her hands on her head. I frantically asked, "Mom! What's wrong?" She turned to me and replied,"Hurry! Pluck this white hair I'm holding!"

Waking up every morning at four to tidy up the house and cleaning a whole school until ten, she nurtures me and my family while managing her custodian job. She nurtured my father when he was in the hospital for his stomach surgery while taking care of me and my brother. She saved my life from my first asthma attack. In my eyes, she is a hero. However, every hero has a weakness and hers was age.

After her job transferred to a local elementary school that was a block away from my school, my mom requested me to work with her. Initially, I was reluctant because I was already managing my tutoring positions with my clubs and school work. But when I consider how much my mom has done for me, I agreed. On the first day, I walked over to the custodian room after tutoring my student. I met up with my mom, and we sat down on the chairs in the office. After we ate our microwaved dinners next to the control panels, my mom told me the list of tasks that I had to do. I had to vacuum all the classrooms' rugs in both building divisions, vacuum the school's entrance rugs, sweep the hallways and the cafeteria, and take out the trash. Exhausted from more than 3 hours of work, I dropped down at the seat in the custodian room. While sitting down, I saw my mom. She was mopping the hallways while moaning about the soreness of her back and arms. She later sat down after finishing her job. While she rested, I started to notice the numerous of white strands on her head.

How she manages everything she has to do at home and at her workplace everyday even with her aching pain amazes me. My mom's perseverance and hard work inspired me to instill those same qualities. Seeing her work hard motivated me to work just as hard in my studies. I appreciate my mom for giving me the opportunity to realize how much she has to endure for my family and me. So I do not mind dropping everything that I am currently doing just to pull out one white strand for my mom.

You said it here yourself. This essay will not impress Princeton. For most people, it is a given that your parent(s) will be very influential to you. This is like saying you need air to breathe. For these essays, you have to step outside of your comfort zone to really come up with creative stories that will set you apart from the 5,000 other applicants that will also write this very cliche story. - Admissions Advice Online

Thank you for your comment! I really appreciate it! I have rewritten another one. Would you mind looking over this one too? Thank you so much!

A week before I started tutoring in an after school program called OASES, I met up with the supervisor for my tutoring details. She informed me,"You will be doing one-on-one tutoring with a third grader". Since I already had experience tutoring, I confidently said,"Ok!". Then, she said,"His name is Zhao Fang. He is a non-native English speaker, so he speaks mostly Cantonese,".

"Oh."

I was uncomfortable with the idea of tutoring a non-native English speaker because I was not confident in my Cantonese speaking skills. I worried that I might translate his English vocabulary words incorrectly or even worse, misguide him with my poor translations. So before meeting him, I prepared my Cantonese skills, asking my parents and friends the Cantonese translation for basic words. On the first day, Zhao Fang only needed help on his math homework., so not much translation was needed. Then on the next day, he told me that he had to read a chapter book from his reading list. All the preparation was not helpful because I could barely translate a whole paragraph coherently to him. I felt so embarrassed. I was a failure as a tutor, afraid that Zhao Fang would not learn anything from what I was trying to translate. However, Zhao Fang smiled at me. He did not seem to mind that I was struggling with some of my translation. That smile motivated me to further improve my Cantonese. I asked my parents to teach me Cantonese and continued to try my best translating. In fact, whenever we worked on his vocabulary homework, he would pronounce his vocabulary words after I enunciated each one. Afterwards, he would tell me the Cantonese translation of the words, so while he improved his English speaking skills, I improved my Cantonese. Over time, I progressively communicated with Zhao Fang in English, decreasing the translations. After several weeks, he read the first chapter of his book by himself.

As I continued tutoring in OASES, I noticed that among all the tutors, I was the only high school student. Everybody else was either a college undergraduate or graduate student. I could not easily socialize with the other tutors. However, that did not matter because Zhao Fang was by my side. Zhao Fang never felt discouraged by the fact that he could not always understand what his classmates were doing because he distracted himself with his imagination. While his classmates talked to each other in line, he entertained himself with his hand gestures that indicated plane shooters. He always smiled no matter what situation he was in. That unchanging smile inspired me to not feel discouraged by the fact that I was the only high school tutor. I am proud to have taught Zhao Fang who not only improved my Cantonese skills but also motivated me to stay optimistic. He taught me as much as I taught him.