"My most profound interests; the universe" - UIUC Essay (#1 of 2)

I'm currently working on my application to the University of Illinois and am having a bit of trouble with the first (there are two) essays.

Topic:
In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or your professional goals.

Essay:

Most of my life has revolved around one of my most profound interests; the universe. When I think back to my childhood, I remember gazing at the stars and asking my father unanswerable questions about the cosmos. I remember my first trip to the Kennedy Space Center, where I set foot on the same island that man departed from for the moon. I remember the few times that I was far enough away from the pollution of city lights to see another arm of our galaxy and question my place in the universe.

These cute little anecdotes may seem trivial as similar feelings have been experienced by most people. I think my fascination with the universe is a bit deeper than your average star gazer's. I want to learn about the fundamentals of the universe so I can answer my own and others' seemingly unanswerable questions. I want to learn about new theories that at first glance may seem like a sub-plot of a science-fiction show. I want to write books that will inspire and intrigue the next generation of "space lovers" behind me.

I've decided that I'd like to major in physics and then move on to a graduate degree in astrophysics or astronomy. After school I hope to pursue a position in academia or maybe at a public or private laboratory. I also love to dabble in computer programming languages, so I might chase that interest at some point. Several of my family members have gone to or are now going to the University of Illinois. From what they tell me it's a great place to learn and grow both socially and academically, which is why I hope to one day be sitting in a University of Illinois auditorium pursuing my dreams.

(295 words)

This is my third try and it just feels very weak to me. I'm used to being able to write quality essays with ease but this one is hard for some reason. Any tips?

I'm also having trouble with my essay for the University of Florida. This is the topic:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Every one of my attempts so far comes across as a rambling mess and I am looking to take a different route. Do you think the route I took for my UIUC essay can be modified to suffice as the UF essay? Although I'm disappointed with its current state I like the overall feel of my UIUC essay and would like to try something similar for UF but I wonder if it's too much of a stretch for the prompt. Any help is appreciated!

Thank you!

I think my fascination with the universe is a bit deeper than your average star gazer's.


What makes you want this?

Your essay leaves me with one question. How did your love for astronomy come about??? I don't have any idea of why you would rather study the universe than go fishing.

Omit this. Instead, tell us how you feel when you look at the sky now.


It's always harder to write when something you really want is on the line. It also tends to be harder, for some of us, to write about ourselves.


You could tell the Kennedy Space Center visit in much more detail. Or any other space-related experience. But you have to include more feeling and lots of vivid details. Which, come to think of it, wouldn't be a bad idea for the first essay either.

Llamapoop123-
I thought I addressed that in the first paragraph (everything after the first sentence). I see what you're saying though, I'll work on that aspect a bit more. Thank you.

EF_Simone-
Very helpful post. I'll try to implement your suggestions and post back when done. Thanks again.

You do not explore the impacts of your example.

Llamapoop123-
Ok. I'll remove some of the weak content and revise. Thanks.

I have edited my essay and would like someone to please read it over.

Here it is:

Most of my life has revolved around one of my most profound interests; the universe. I remember when a few representatives from a local planetarium came to my third grade class and showed us pictures of galaxies, stars, planets, and moons. The pictures were unlike any pictures I had seen before. They showed galaxies suspended in a purplish hue and stars that were nearly two thousand times as big as the Sun. One picture in particular taken by the Voyager 1 spacecraft showed the Earth from a vantage point on the outskirts of the Solar System. In the picture the Earth appeared as just a speck on the paper, or as Carl Sagan called it, a pale blue dot. It was at this time that my young mind began to get a feel for the extreme vastness of the universe and also started my yearning to find out what else is out there.

I want to learn about the fundamentals of the universe so I can answer my own and others' seemingly unanswerable questions. I want to learn about new theories that at first glance may seem like a sub-plot of a science-fiction show. I want to write books that will inspire and intrigue the next generation of "space lovers" behind me. I want to do these things because I feel that there is a whole world of knowledge to gain and share and that it would be silly for me to let that information pass me by.

I'd like to major in physics and then move on to a graduate degree in astrophysics or astronomy. After school I hope to pursue a position in academia or maybe at a laboratory. My family has told me their experience at UI was pleasurable, which is why I hope to one day be sitting in a University of Illinois auditorium pursuing my dreams.

It is 312 words long so I'm working on shortening it to 300. Any tips are appreciated, thanks.

Most of my life has revolved around one of my most profound interests; the universe .

(And, if you elect not to cut that superfluous sentence, the semi-colon should be a colon.)

Thank you everyone for the help on my UIUC essay. I'm now working on my University of Florida essay. So far I think it is much better than the essay I wrote for UIUC.

The topic for the UF essay is posted above, but here it is again for convenience:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Here is what I have so far. I think it's a bit messy in some places but I'd like someone to read it over before I make any major changes.

When I was in the third grade a few representatives from a planetarium traveled from the city to visit my suburban Chicago school. They were there as part of a science outreach program funded by a local university. My class walked in a single-file line to the gymnasium where we were promptly told by the university students to remove our shoes. We were then told to crawl into an inflatable dome that was set up in the center of the gymnasium. This seemed odd at the time but we were promised that we'd enjoy it.

Once inside my peers and I sat in a circle along the perimeter of the dome.
...

The problem I have with your experience is that it is shared by almost all children. I personally have experienced this planetarium type activity no less than 4 times in my life. I find it hard to believe that an activity such as this prompted your intense love for astronomy especially since it happened in third grade.


How so?


I'm not sure if "inflate" is a good choice.


These things can be seen on the internet.


Since your experience could instantly make you forget about your other aspirations I wonder if a similarly exciting incident could make you change your mind about studying space just as fast in the future.

But, you see, that's what makes agm unique and why it should be the focus of the essay. Most children go to a planetarium, gape at the ceiling, go home, and forget all about it. But, every once in a while, a child is absolutely transfixed, with this moment marking the development of a lifelong interest in space. Similar childish moments of immediate affinity mark the careers of many artists and scientists in various fields.

Ahhh true. I often unfairly underestimate the effect of the experiences of others.

I wasn't much of an internet user at the age of 9. Besides, what does it matter where I saw them? The point is that it was the first time I saw them.


My goal there was to show that I moved on from the childish dreams mentioned. I never necessarily wanted to be those things. I was just trying to show how I was captivated.

Your right, I apologize for that. When I read the sentence at first I thought that it was overexaggerating the uniqueness of these images.


Perhaps you should add the fact that these were childish dreams and that studying the universe is your first serious goal.

That's good.

I'm back after almost two months. I've been busy but have found some time to work on my UF essay. Would someone please read it and let me know what you think?

Only a handful of my memories are vivid enough for me to place any great importance on. Though I didn't realize its significance at the time, there is one specific event that sparked my profound interest in physics and science. While in elementary school, I was afforded the pleasure of a presentation by a few representatives from Fermilab, an internationally recognized physics laboratory in suburban Chicago, Illinois. The presentation was part of a science outreach program funded by a local university. My class walked in a single-file line to the gymnasium where we were promptly told by the friendly presenters to remove our shoes. We were then ushered into an inflatable dome that was set up in the center of the hardwood court. This seemed odd at the time but we were promised that we'd enjoy it.

Once inside, my peers and I sat in a circle along the perimeter of the dome. A man in a polo shirt adorned with his university's logo presented to us various pictures of galaxies, stars, planets, and moons. As the photographs circulated around the dome I could hear various "ooh"s and "ahh"s from the fascinated students. The pictures were unlike any I had seen before. They showed far off galaxies suspended in a purplish hue and stars that I was told were nearly two thousand times as big as the Sun. One picture in particular taken by the Voyager 1 spacecraft showed the Earth from a vantage point on the outskirts of the Solar System. The Earth appeared as just a speck on the screen, a pale blue dot. Never before had I fathomed the extreme vastness of the universe.

After about thirty minutes it was finally time to find out why we were ushered into the vinyl monstrosity we were sitting in. The man told us to close our eyes for twenty seconds. My class counted down in unison as if it were new years' eve. My eyes opened to find the dome had become darker, and various celestial were floating along the interior surface of the dome. As the virtual night sky sailed by, the man used a laser to point out items on the dome's dark ceiling. I asked him where I could see the planet Jupiter and within a few seconds my eyes followed the red glow of the laser to land upon the gas giant. I was in awe. Never before had I seen the sky so void of light that I could make out specific constellations and planets.

My experience in the dome and the time since then has instilled a passion in me that will greatly influence my college experience. I see my potential stay at the University of Florida as a medium on which I can further my passion for physics and grow both socially and academically, which is why I wish to one day be sitting in an University of Florida classroom experiencing the same wonder and interest that I felt that day in grade school.

Thank you!