UC Prompt Essay (both prompts) - Business Major

It's 1097 words, so I need some help cutting it down. I'd also like some help improving the grammar and making my topic more clear.

I replaced my website name with **NAME** for privacy reasons.

Thanks

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Fathers' always have words of wisdom for their children. The simple advice from my own father that has shaped me as a person is to "pursue something that you are passionate about, and do not forget to take some risks along the way."

Now that I am older, I can appreciate the time my father spent with me providing encouragement and support in anything I was interested in. Whether it was countless hours of coaching my soccer and lacrosse teams, helping me film my latest short film, or working with him to help create my latest invention, my father's perseverance in supporting all my "big ideas" helped open my world to finding what I was truly interested in.

My father owns and operates his own business, so I have had the opportunity to observe how a small business functions in the real world. Motivated by my father's work ethic, I began my first business venture by selling an e-book that I wrote providing tips and tricks for a popular online video game. After a small success with e-books, I was determined to see what other business opportunities I could create. I discovered that it takes a lot of hard work to be a sole owner of a business, but enjoyed the challenge of running a business.

I had always been interested in technology and business, so I looked there for my passion. I began learning everything I could about web design and development, flash animation, and motion graphics. I became completely self-taught in all of these subjects, but specifically enjoyed creating websites in my spare time. Encouraged by a Multi-Media teacher who thought my websites were professionally on par with some of her friends in the industry, I began designing websites for small businesses. I knew that I had found what I aspired to do.

My father's advice to pursue my passion not only resonates in what I am today, but it will stay with me as I dream what my world will become.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

All businesses start with an idea. Google is a classic example of how two guys created the most popular website in the world from a simple idea. Google's unique idea was to create the first search engine that ranked a website by its backlinks-the number of sites that link back to the website-instead of the amount of times the search keyword appeared on the website. Google wanted to be the best search engine and with strong determination and work ethic they succeeded.

Inspired by Google's unique idea and determination, I created AmoryClone. **NAME** was a website that I created to solve a simple problem: provide an easy and safe way to sell your gaming account online. Gaming accounts are considered "virtual goods", meaning that they are intangible items. However, these intangible items are actually worth a lot of money in the real world. I saw the business potential of this market and developed my idea to help make selling your virtual accounts faster and safer. Since I was a one-man team, I experienced every facet of running an online business.

I used my skill as a web designer and programmer to develop a simple, but functional website. The final product was literally thousands of lines of code and took many hours of hard work to create. I had many other individuals test and criticize the website, because I was determined to make everything perfect before opening the site to the public. While building the site I deliberated all of my attention and determination into the development of the idea.

**NAME** was my first Internet business that had operating costs, meaning I needed to invest my money in the site to get it off the ground. I experimented with many different ways of promoting the site including purchasing advertising on popular gaming websites and search engines. Google Adwords-advertising in Google searches-enabled me to monitor which keywords were generating the most clicks to my site and which were not. There are large amounts of risk involved in advertising on the Internet because you never know if the user is going to remember or even use your website. I toiled through many different types of advertising campaigns and niches to find the right one. By keeping persistent and constantly monitoring my advertising campaign I eventually found the best campaign for my site. However, most of my traffic also came from word of mouth. I came to realize that word of mouth is a lot more powerful than I thought and should never be left out. Word of mouth increased my website traffic exponentially after my advertising campaigns had ended.

I strived to provide great customer support for **NAME**, because hey, "the customer is always right." Email was my main form of communication, because it allowed me to keep in touch with my website visitors and potential partners almost instantaneously. Website visitors were encouraged to email me questions about the site and also could provide comments on how to improve the site. I responded to every email sent regarding **NAME**.

To fund the site I needed to find a way to generate revenue. I emailed a range of game account-selling companies in hopes of attracting their interest in my site. I stayed in communication with various different account-selling websites and eventually formed three business relationships. My main source of revenue at this point was creating a "clone" of my website for my partners to use in exchange for a monthly fee.

After three months of constant growth, I received my first offer to purchase **NAME**. I was ecstatic that someone was interested in my idea. After further negotiation, dozens of emails, and a signed contract, we struck a deal. I ended up selling the site for $21,000 through Escrow.com, a secure website for transferring assets.

By developing, promoting, and maintaining **NAME** I believe I strengthened my entrepreneurial qualities: determination, persistence, and communication. In the development phase I combined all my web skills and worked persistently to launch **NAME** in less than two months. To promote the site I engaged in risky advertising campaigns, which benefitted my website in the end. Finally, to maintain the site, I improved my communication skills by answering support questions and building relationships with other businesses. In this single project I was able to experience what it is like to run a small Internet business by working in all aspects of the venture. The progression I made from an idea to a fully functional and profitable website made me extremely proud and largely contributes to the person I am.

Here are some thoughts on the first essay:


No need for the apostrophe there. It is the plural of father--fathers.


One way to get that word count down is to phrase your verbs in the active voice. Try to get rid of as many "to be" verbs as you can.


Here's another place you could cut back on your word count. Take out "of running a business." It is redundant and doesn't change the meaning of the sentence. Putting this into the active voice would save even more words ... Owning a business requires hard work, but I enjoyed the challenge. From 26 words down to 11.


This is wordy without saying a whole lot. This could be boiled down to: I found my passion in technology and business. 16 words to 8. Changing this doesn't make it fit as well where it was, but I wanted to give you ideas for cutting the word count. If you cut with this kind of ruthlessness, you will have room to elaborate on certain points and will actually be saying MORE in your essay.


Make this stronger: I taught myself about web design ... Not only will you save words, but it makes more of a statement. "Everything I could," weakens the sentence because it means different things to different people. Omitting "everything I could" lets the reader assume a greater level of competency with what you have learned. Teaching yourself shows more initiative than merely learning.


This becomes redundant with the changes in the other sentence, but you could work the part about creating websites into the other sentence. Again, I would omit the part about "spare time." You don't need that as a qualifier and it limits the amount of accomplishment in the reader's mind.

Thanks for the help. Still looking for more.

I reworked the first prompt a little:

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Fathers always have words of wisdom for their children. The simple advice from my own father that has shaped me as a person is to "pursue something that you are passionate about, and do not forget to take some risks along the way."

Now that I am older, I can appreciate the time my father spent with me providing encouragement and support in anything I was interested in. Whether it was countless hours of coaching my soccer and lacrosse teams, helping me film my latest short film, or working with him to help create my latest invention, my father's perseverance in supporting all my "big ideas" helped open my world to finding what I was truly interested in.

My father also owns and operates his own business, so I have had the opportunity to observe how a small business functions in the real world. I discovered owning a business requires hard work, but I was very curious. Motivated by my father's work ethic, I began my first business venture by selling an e-book that I wrote providing tips and tricks for a popular online video game. After a small success with e-books, I was determined to see what other business opportunities I could create.

Soon I found my passion in technology and business. I taught myself web design and development, flash animation, and motion graphics. Encouraged by a Multi-Media teacher who thought my websites were professionally on par with some of her friends in the industry, I began designing websites for small businesses. I knew that I had found what I aspired to do.

My father's advice to pursue my passion not only resonates in what I am today, but it will stay with me as I dream what my world will become.

Your first sentence is just a generalization and your own personal opinion. How do you know the admission officer's even had a father? right? Just a suggestion.

I discovered that it takes a lot of hard work to be a sole owner of a business, but enjoyed the challenge of running a business.

How did you discover? Why is it hard? Why is it challenging? I would provide some examples.

but it will stay with me as I dream of what my world will become.

your second essay would be the same thing. i wouldn't start with your own opinion. and I think you need a more attention grabbing sentence.

I didn't read your second one, sorry, but I thought you described how your father impacted you which is good.

best of luck.