Prompt #1 (transfer applicants)
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
The Jaws of Life
I would have said that I had hit the ground running, except for the fact that I was rolling. Taxiing toward British Airways gate A-17 at the Tom Bradley International Terminal, LAX. The familiar sweet aroma of smog and duty-free retail shop was enough to jolt the senses of any native-born southern-Californian upon his return from a long dark nap on the other side of the world. I was home all right, whether I liked it or not. I had survived rock n' roll. I had beaten cancer. I had been pulled up from out of the python-grip of a seemingly unending depression and a deluge of self-addiction. There was however, for the first time since early childhood, a sense of the possible, a palpable awareness of optimism and belief. The questions of why and what it all meant would have to wait for now. What mattered most was what lay ahead just beyond the exit doors at the top of the ramp. I had been given another shot at getting it right and this time I intended to make the most of it. There was just one problem. I needed a lift home from the airport first.
When I think back on that day, in the early fall of 2004, I am reminded of the circumstances that had brought me there. I think of my decision to opt out of the quest for celebrity and material excess that I had found myself on and my resolve to become a person that would contribute more in this life than would take away from it. I think of my acceptance of an invitation to live in the UK to be an advocate for the urban poor in the south of England, and my new found thirst for knowledge with aspirations for higher learning. Upon reflection I realize that this season of radical transformation had been set in motion one day a few years earlier, during what might well have been, a truly devastating turn of events. However, I have since come to see it as my best day; the day that cancer saved my life.
In the beginning the prognosis was good. I was young and my cancer was considered treatable. However, after the surgery and three years of radiation treatments, my denial as to the severity of the situation would soon give way to acceptance. With no end in sight I began to lose my bearings. I was unable to keep up with my friends and the feverish pace of the lifestyle we had all been living. I had become increasingly angry with my circumstances, and became as one friend would later surmise, "a little difficult to deal with." It had become clear that I would not be coming out tonight. There would be no need to put me on the list. There were not going to be anymore shows or after-parties or meet and greets and the record was definitely not coming out next year. The shaky framework in which I had placed so much of my identity had finally collapsed.
A few months later I received a call asking me to play at a benefit concert in the UK. The organization hosting the event was a small advocacy group that promoted social justice and awareness of the extreme poverty facing the council estates of England. I ended up staying an additional three weeks, playing everywhere they asked me to. Finally, the man who had founded the organization asked me if I might consider staying on for a while. He told me they could use someone like me to help them start an after school music program and he said he really "dug" my music! I accepted his invitation and returned to stay one month later.
Living with the poor people of Southampton's troubled Flowers estate is where I started to change. I lost track of my own disappointment as my concern grew deeper for others with problems much greater than my own. I began actively working to move through my hardship instead of waiting and wishing for it to end. I would eventually come to the understanding that it is often within the struggles of life where one finds the audacity to truly live it. I was declared cancer free two years later.
I have chosen Media Studies (Mass Communications) as my major course of study. My interest in the subject has been life long and stems from my earliest years as a young child growing up on the road touring with my fathers rock band in the early seventies. Early exposure to the music business and my proximity to Los Angeles would fast track an early career as a singer-songwriter and performer. Practical life experience would include employment with two major music manufacturing firms and the publishing of titles featured on HBO, the WB and MTV networks.
A deeper interest developed shortly after my return from England when I was asked to speak about my experiences at various public events. I began to realize that I had a story to tell with a message of hope and transformation that seemed to resinate with people. I became interested in a career that would encompass the capacity of public speaker, thinker and communicator.
After I began my studies I gained a new appreciation for the roll of the media and its influence on American society. I believe that we have witnessed one of the most revolutionary advancements since Gutenberg and presently stand at the foot of one of the biggest opportunities for enlightenment since Jefferson began daydreaming and I want to be a part of it.
I came to recognize that issues like urban poverty and social injustice often stem from deeper more complex problems that plague modern society. I knew then that if I truly wanted to contribute something that would inspire any real change it would require from me more than an impassioned opinion and a three minute pop song. It would take everything.
Good evening :)
I have edited your first paragraph and have also included some general comments:
"I would have said that I had hit the ground running, except for the fact that I was rolling. Taxiing toward British Airways gate A-17 at the Tom Bradley International Terminal, LAX. The familiar sweet aroma of smog and duty-free retail shopw was enough to jolt the senses of any native-born southern-Californian upon his return from a long dark nap on the other side of the world. I was home all right, whether I liked it or not. I had survived rock n' roll. I had beaten cancer. I had been pulled up from out of the python-grip of a seemingly unending depression and a deluge of self-addiction. There was however, for the first time since early childhood, a sense of the possible, a palpable awareness of optimism and belief. The questions of why and what it all meant would have to wait for now. What mattered most was what lay ahead just beyond the exit doors at the top of the ramp. I had been given another shot at getting it right and this time I intended to make the most of it. There was just one problem: I needed a lift home from the airport first."
Using my corrections and suggestion above (what few there are!) look through the remainder of your piece for other areas similar that should be corrected.
In regards to content, your response is a great answer to the prompt. It is very organized, flows well, and is easy to read. Great work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thanks Gloria :)
I just have one question concerning my essay.
In your opinion, do you think that it reads too "personal" or comes across less academic?
I'm just a little nervous that I might be asserting a little too much creative writing style in what is supposed to be a very formal sounding piece.
Or I might just be loosing my mind?
Thanks for the insight. I really appreciate it.
-Josh
Good afternoon :)
I don't think that it is too personal; there is a difference between the familiarity in which you are reading your piece with, and relating personal experiences with a formal tone, which is what is done here. By choosing your words and sentence structure like you have, you have ensured that you retain that respectability while you relay a very intense experience to your audience.
Take a step back; put the piece away for a few days (if you can) and don't look at it; don't think about it, just leave it alone. Then, come back and see if you don't "see" it with new eyes. :)
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
