Help!
Please critique my essay.
Harsh criticism is welcomed.
I want my essay to stand out. I am applying to uc riverside, merced and sb for a business major.
This is a rough draft with many grammatical errors.
1)What is your intended major?2) Discuss how your interest in the subject developed 3)Describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities 4)What you have gained from your involvement
As a child growing up around very sharp business men has structured me to be very competitive. Watching my father and uncles run businesses built from scratch taught me that I never wanted to work beneath someone. I grew up knowing I was going to have a business major in college. However, by the time it was my turn to go to college the economy crashed. My parents became fearful and persuaded me to major in a medical field rather than choosing business.
I discovered quickly that I disliked my major in pharmaceutical sciences but to keep my parents quiet I went ahead with the major. It wasn't until I got my first typical sales associate job at a small boutique when I realized I wanted to own franchises of my own. Without a doubt I switched gears and changed my major. I am now proudly majoring in Business administration and I couldn't be happier with my decision.
My parents were furious when they found out about my major change. I turned things around quickly and pushed my dad to let to me help out at his car dealership. Of course I had to start with a small receptionist position but I managed to work my up. My dad has made me co-owner now and I am in charge of the management and marketing portion of the business. I have taken responsibility and I do all the hiring and training of employees. Since the economy still isn't at its highest point I have began focusing more on marketing our business towards different directions. Taking classes like business communications and marketing I have gained knowledge on brand marketing and how to concentrate on many different target audiences. I am responsible for running the face book page and designing and printing out advertisements since it is a small business. By using this marketing strategy I have brought in several clients throughout the years.
Aside of from being co-owner of the business, I was also given an internship opportunity at an environmental company. Being an extreme environmentalist, I did nit hesitate to take on this internship. This internship was another way to learn more about how other small businesses are ran and how I can take what I learned here and apply it to my family's business. For this particular company, I was responsible for tracking the number of sales and the inventory of our products. In addition to that, I researched eco friendly products that would fit best with our company. Within just a year of working at this company, I was given the responsibly to operate the online store and interview other interns. It was truly an accomplishment gaining so much business knowledge in just a year.
My involvement in various business ventures has given me an incredible amount of experience that I can use to build a better future for myself. I am aware that not many people are given these opportunities and that is why I plan to use the skills I have gained to further my education from University of California and be a step closer to owning my own business.
Please critique my essay.
Harsh criticism is welcomed.
I want my essay to stand out. I am applying to uc riverside, merced and sb for a business major.
This is a rough draft with many grammatical errors.
1)What is your intended major?2) Discuss how your interest in the subject developed 3)Describe any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities 4)What you have gained from your involvement
As a child growing up around very sharp business men has structured me to be very competitive. Watching my father and uncles run businesses built from scratch taught me that I never wanted to work beneath someone. I grew up knowing I was going to have a business major in college. However, by the time it was my turn to go to college the economy crashed. My parents became fearful and persuaded me to major in a medical field rather than choosing business.
I discovered quickly that I disliked my major in pharmaceutical sciences but to keep my parents quiet I went ahead with the major. It wasn't until I got my first typical sales associate job at a small boutique when I realized I wanted to own franchises of my own. Without a doubt I switched gears and changed my major. I am now proudly majoring in Business administration and I couldn't be happier with my decision.
My parents were furious when they found out about my major change. I turned things around quickly and pushed my dad to let to me help out at his car dealership. Of course I had to start with a small receptionist position but I managed to work my up. My dad has made me co-owner now and I am in charge of the management and marketing portion of the business. I have taken responsibility and I do all the hiring and training of employees. Since the economy still isn't at its highest point I have began focusing more on marketing our business towards different directions. Taking classes like business communications and marketing I have gained knowledge on brand marketing and how to concentrate on many different target audiences. I am responsible for running the face book page and designing and printing out advertisements since it is a small business. By using this marketing strategy I have brought in several clients throughout the years.
Aside of from being co-owner of the business, I was also given an internship opportunity at an environmental company. Being an extreme environmentalist, I did nit hesitate to take on this internship. This internship was another way to learn more about how other small businesses are ran and how I can take what I learned here and apply it to my family's business. For this particular company, I was responsible for tracking the number of sales and the inventory of our products. In addition to that, I researched eco friendly products that would fit best with our company. Within just a year of working at this company, I was given the responsibly to operate the online store and interview other interns. It was truly an accomplishment gaining so much business knowledge in just a year.
My involvement in various business ventures has given me an incredible amount of experience that I can use to build a better future for myself. I am aware that not many people are given these opportunities and that is why I plan to use the skills I have gained to further my education from University of California and be a step closer to owning my own business.
