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Can you proofread my Personal Statement and tell me how to improve it?

zedix123 1 / 1 1  
Jan 5, 2017   #1
Since childhood, I had been deeply indulged in playing video games - which indirectly ignited the spark of a new interest within me, to explore and understand how the game was actually executing, how a simple visual display and some integrated circuitry contributed to producing a system as complex and versatile as a computer. I was indeed captivated by technology the more it advanced, discerning all of its elements, as I went from watching tutorials for digital design and media editing to learning programming on basic IDE software. Before I knew it, what had started out as a hobby had developed into a future dream job.

The first language I came across was LUA, a high level OOP language that I was able to adapt with quickly, and I soon partnered up with my friends to actually develop games with a 3D game development kit, known as Roblox Studio. As I contributed to this project, I learned a great deal about specific essential elements of software development, such as asset handling, graphic designing, 3D rendering, and debugging and optimizing code. It was quite a valuable experience. It facilitated to improve my teamwork and communication skills, and further stimulated me to move on to more advanced development engines such as Unity, and more complex languages such as C#.

The A-Level subjects I have chosen also reflect on what profession I intend to strive for and my path into college. Mathematics has opened my mind to calculus, functions, geometry and much more - concepts that are applied in computing all over, such as in algorithm optimization and 3D design. I have always had a strong aptitude for the subject and enjoyed all of its segments. In Chemistry and Physics, it is important to enumerate and consider all the conditions that might affect a system to predict a logical outcome, a process of thought that programming requires as well, to make sure that the program does not encounter any errors on execution. Similarly, these subjects also require mathematics and abstract thinking. Most significantly, studying A Level Computer Science has been especially fruitful. It has provided me with the fundamental principles of the field itself. Studying these subjects has been a rewarding experience, one that has firmly guided me to my destined career direction.

During my summer holidays, I voluntarily helped out with my brother's home business, the Custom Era, a digital printing eShop with content writing, page administration, product advertisements and basic graphics designing. Interacting with online customers and designing products tailored to their requirements is certainly a challenging task. But as a result, I was able to get an overview about the field of e-commerce, how a business functioned at the back-end and the multitude of factors that affected its growth. Besides that, I have attended various tech workshops as well, like xGeekster's Android Development Workshop, which has given some insight into app development using Android Studio. In my leisure time, I enjoy reading certain magazines such as CHIP and Linus Tech, and a broad spectrum of novels.

This is the Digital Age, after all. Computer programs have infiltrated every aspect of our lives. Hence, the prospects for computer scientists are optimum, just as my enthusiasm for the subject. I aspire to pursue a career in the IT industry, and I trust that a degree in Computer Science will empower me to do so.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,736 3072  
Jan 5, 2017   #2
Zoraiz, we will gladly help you edit your essay if you will post the actual essay here. For security and anti-virus purposes, we are not allowed to download files from unknown sources to our computer systems. It is best that you follow our forum rules regarding the posting of essays in individualized threads so that you can get complete and enthusiastic guidance from both contributors and participants at this forum. We will be unable to help you with your essay unless you do so. Please upload your essay in this thread as soon as you can so that you can get assistance from us at the soonest possible time. We are all here to help you but we cannot help you in the method that you want us to. Our forum rules are very clear about this. If you wish to know more about uploading and editing guidelines, please refer to the FAQ or Student Talk section of this forum. Thank you.

As a personal statement, you must find a way to integrate a discussion of the course curriculum of the university that you are planning to apply for admission to in the essay. Depending upon your maximum word count, you will either increase the information contained in this personal statement or, you will have to remove some portions of the essay which relate more to a statement of purpose rather than a personal statement.

From the way your essay is currently written, you will need to further develop your last paragraph in order to deliver a concrete discussion about the university that you chose and why. The overall content of your essay may be considered relevant to the personal statement, provided that you have responded properly to the personal statement prompt.

If you were given a prompt or specific instructions to follow for the development of your personal statement, then kindly share those instructions with us here so that we can further scrutinize your work for compliance, relevance, and possible errors.
OP zedix123 1 / 1 1  
Jan 5, 2017   #3
Thank you for your feedback. @Holt There isn't any specific formula I should adhere to. But yes, I will improve the conclusion further in that manner.

Home / Undergraduate / Can you proofread my Personal Statement and tell me how to improve it?