"to prove myself to my team" - ND Supplement Feedback

The question is "Tell us about a time when you have surprised others or yourself by doing something unexpected."

PM me if you think you'd like to help! Thanks

I wasn't aware that one could PM on this website, but I would be glad to read your ND essay if you would return the favor and read mine as well.

Oh shoot. I literally just joined this site this morning, so you're probably correct about the PMing. My ND essay is too long, and despite its length I feel like it is missing something. I am just so frustrated with it. I'd be glad to give feedback on your ND essay. I just don't like the idea of posting it for all the world to see on this website...

I can only assume that the reason you do not wish to post your essay on here is because you are worried about someone possibly stealing your ideas or your entire essay, but this is somewhat prevented by having to put your name and school down for the essay. If someone were to steal your essay, which I would hope noone would do especially for a religious school such as ND, you could always support yourself my pointing the adcoms towards this site and they can find the original person who posted it. Furthermore, I had the same issues with posting before, but then I realized that there is an admissions rep for each region and I should hope that if someone were stupid enough to steal my work, that they would be caught or it wouldn't matter simply because it was read by difference adcoms.

I would post an email address; however, I do not wish for everyone to be able to read it.

Alright. I'll post it and give feedback on yours too. Like I said before, mine is on the long side (195 words) and I am not happy with the ending...

It was my last chance to prove myself to my team, and I only had a few moments to make a decision. As soon as I had scrambled up the ladder, mounted the tight rope and relinquished my tight grip on the tree, I knew that my mind no longer had control over my body - as if the messages that my brain was rapidly dispatching to my hands, legs, arms and feet were being cut off before they could be processed. With sweaty hands, quivering legs, and tears in my eyes, I forced myself to continue taking steps until I reached the end. The tight rope walk was the last of a series of challenges in a Ropes Course that was part of the National Student Leadership Conference that I attended last summer. Up until this point, I had been reluctant to engage in any activity that required being even the smallest distance above the ground, on account of my severe fear of heights. Although the ten minutes on that rope were some of the scariest in my life, it was not regret that I felt ringing through my body upon finishing, but pride.

Thanks

and I had only seconds ... (cuts down on words)
had scrambled is passive voice- you might want to change it
relinquished my tight grip on the tree (use tight in the sentence previously, repetitive)
I knew that my mind was no longer in control of my body ...
taking steps - can replace with walking or continue ahead
in a Ropes Course that was part of the National Student Leadership Conference that I attended last summer.- wordy.
maybe say: Victorious, I completed the final portion of the summer National Student Leadership Conference, the terrifying tight rope course.

Up until this point, I had been reluctant (passive voice) say I was reluctant

in any activity that required me to be even the slightest bit off the ground. - we can assume that you are afraid of heights so there is no need to actually say it.

Although the ten minutes on that rope were some of the scariest in my life, it was not regret that I felt ringing through my body upon finishing, but pride.- redo you need a more powerful ending.

I like the idea behind your essay and it is well written, it just needed a few changes.

thank you