Syracuse University Supplement 1
Word Count: 250
Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)
As an aspiring entertainment publicist, I want an entertainment media program that offers interdisciplinary studies for public relations and the music industry. I've developed basic promotion skills as a Student Relations member for my school's newspaper and I plan to expand and connect them with the music industry. Courses such as Music Industry and the Media (MUI 305) and Social Media for the Music Business (RAE 404) would provide me knowledge in effective music promotion and its application in the evolving media industry.
I also want a program that presents a realistic perspective of the music industry. I've acquired understanding of the entertainment industry as an avid fan of musical artists; however, much of that is possible fantasy. Visits from executives for Music Industry Forum and Soyars Leadership Lecture Series (MUI 310) would provide me insight on how the music industry truly functions while addressing any speculations I have.
I want a program that encourages entertainment industry work experience. In January, I will intern at a local online publication and I plan to continue media experience, specializing in entertainment, in college. Offerings such as Music and Entertainment Industry Student Association, Entertainment Industry Practicum (RAE 408), semesters in Los Angeles and London, and University Union would prepare me for my future in public relations by giving me hands-on experiences.
My desired college program emphasizes on public relations in the music industry, input from entertainment industry leaders, and excessive work experience. Thus, I was attracted to Syracuse University for the Bandier Program.
Kerry , when you are asked specifically about what it is that attracted you to a particular program at a certain university, do not make statements that sound so general. Saying "I want to..." is different from saying "I was attracted to Syrcacuse because..." It is the "I was attracted to..." statement that should be reflected in this essay, not the "I want to..."
Saying "I want to...' implies that the facts you are stating can be found in other universities along with Syracuse. Your statement should indicate that Syracuse was your only choice for attending this program of study because the university is the only one that can accomodate some ideas about your education that you have in mind. Syracuse should be your only choice because it is the best in this line of education. That is the line of reasoning for your choice that you should be implying and presenting in your response.
Don't waste space detailing your personal and professional experience unless you can directly relate it to the reason why you chose Syracuse. Without that connection, you just make it seem like the essay is primarily composed of fluff while you try to figure out what it is that you really want to say. Avoid doing that at all costs. Just present the facts and make sure that the reasons you chose Syracuse as a unique and personal as they can be in your presentation.
Is there anything more I can add to this? This is the direction I want to go in.
Syracuse University Supplement 1
Word Count: 147
Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)
As an aspiring publicist, I researched the top schools for communications my junior year.
...
I believe you used the terms "aspiring publicist" twice and "attracted" twice, but that's just me being pesky. But it doesn't hurt to vary your word choice.
You cut back on the personal experience on your second draft, but then it makes it pretty generic. If I were you, I'd try to make small personal touches--i.e. what you expect to accomplish, what you can contribute to the school, etc.
I tried to make this draft more personal. What should I do for a conclusion?
Syracuse University Supplement 1
Word Count: 166
Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)
As an aspiring publicist, I researched the top schools for communications ...
Syracuse University Supplement 1
Word Count: 209
Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)
As an aspiring entertainment publicist, I researched the top schools ...
Kerry, I would not mention that you were first interested in Newhouse for your college degree. It is never a good idea to let the reviewer know that their university was a second choice for you, even if you have some pretty darn good reasons for saying so. You always have to make it sound like they were your only choice in order to strengthen your statement. Remember, first choice is always best. Second choice, doesn't really sound too good for any reason.
I found a slight grammatical error in your second paragraph so let me fill it in for you. I think what you meant to say was:
However, the notion as to why I couldn't just receive an entertainment media degree confused me
The subject of the sentence cannot be entertainment media alone as that speaks of an entire industry which a course of university study cannot grant :-)
@vangiespen Newhouse is Syracuse's communications school.
Syracuse University Supplement 1
Word Count: 206
Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)
[...]
Accompanied by Syracuse's renowned S.I Newhouse School of Public Communications, I'm assured that my communication skills are developed thoroughly. Also, the Bandier Program's recognition aids in networking and interning. Though courses will expand my knowledge, hands-on experiences present a more realistic perspective of music communications. Offerings such as potential internships required for Entertainment Industry Practicum (RAE 408) and semesters in Los Angeles and London show the potential environment of my work after graduation
Kerry,. thank you for the clarification. Now, with regards to the new version of the statement that you wrote, I am quite confident that the response is relevant and can actually help your application. It is concise and direct to the point, without pandering to the reviewer. That is important. You refer to the merits of the school and the common goals that you share with the university, all of which translate into a student who will most likely perform well while enrolled Syracuse.
The only part of the statement that I feel on the fence about is the reference to the class that you want to take at the end of the course. I am not sure if referring to the practicum course will work in your favor instead of simply ending the statement with the second to the last line indicating:
Also, the Bandier Program's recognition aids in networking and interning. Though courses will expand my knowledge, hands-on experiences present a more realistic perspective of music communications.
I believe that you can close the statement on a far stronger note by revising that line to become your conclusion along these lines:
The Bandlier Program will allow me to delve into the world of entertainment media through its internship and networking opportunities. Through the hands-on experience presented by the study course, I will have the opportunity to graduate armed with expanded knowledge of the industry, and a more realistic perspective of music communication." Do you think concluding the statement in that manner will work for you?
Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)
As an aspiring entertainment publicist, I researched the top schools for communications my junior year. I knew I needed a broad communications degree then work experience to prepare for my future career. However, I hoped for a entertainment media concentration. It would eliminate the need for supplementary entertainment-based electives so I could immediately immerse myself in my field. More research led me to become attracted to Syracuse University for its Bandier Program that specializes in communications in the music industry. As my ultimate aspiration is becoming a public relations executive for a record label, the Bandier program matches my exact career goals.
I was initially engaged by the Bandier Program as it emphasizes a challenging curriculum and a prestigious name. An intense, high quality education secures the effectiveness of my future expertise. Accompanied by Syracuse's renowned S.I Newhouse School of Public Communications, I'm assured that my communication skills will be developed thoroughly. The Bandier Program will allow me to delve into the world of entertainment media through its internship and networking opportunities. Through the hands-on experiences presented by the Entertainment Industry Practicum (RAE 408) and semesters in Los Angeles and London, I will have the opportunity to graduate armed with expanded knowledge of the industry, and a more realistic perspective of music communications.